- Jackie: My answer is "cock", and I wrote it really big, so I have a "big cock!"
- Howard: I'm afraid you can't say "big cock" on the air. That's a no-no.
- Robin Quivers: But I just said "pussy".
- Jackie: [whining] Yeah, she just said *pussy*!
- Howard: Well, pussy's okay. It's the way you say it. "Big cock" coming out of your mouth is, just not good.
- Jackie: Wait a minute. I can't say "big cock", but you can say "big cock coming out of your mouth?"
- Howard: That's right.
- Jackie: That sucks!
- [Pig Vomit, very pissed off, starts running for the studio]
- Fred Norris: [as Richard Nixon] Did you just say "big cock coming out of your mouth that sucks"?
- Howard: So Brett, what did you write down?
- Robin Quivers: [as Brett Summers] Just like the boys, Gene. I've got "cock".
- Howard: Do me a favor. Hold that up for a second so I can see your "cock".
- Researcher: The average radio listener listens for eighteen minutes. The average Howard Stern fan listens for - are you ready for this? - an hour and twenty minutes.
- Pig Vomit: How can that be?
- Researcher: Answer most commonly given? "I want to see what he'll say next."
- Pig Vomit: Okay, fine. But what about the people who hate Stern?
- Researcher: Good point. The average Stern hater listens for two and a half hours a day.
- Pig Vomit: But... if they hate him, why do they listen?
- Researcher: Most common answer? "I want to see what he'll say next."
- Lawyer (Barry): Page 108, paragraph 3, No jokes involving flatulence, excretion, urination, ejaculation, or other bodily functions.
- Lawyer (Jerry): Also, paragraph 2, no use of the so-called seven dirty words. These are cocksucker, mother-fucker, fuck, shit, cunt, cock, and pussy.
- Ben Stern: Symphony Sid. By the powers vested in me by the Federal Communications Commission, I command you get on the microphone in a serious manner and continue this broadcast.
- Unshaven DJ: You wanted to see me?
- Moti: Yeah, you came late yesterday, you came late today. I don't need you. You're fired.
- Unshaven DJ: Fuck you.
- Moti: Good, fuck you, you cunt. Fuck you 1000%. Fuck you till your asshole is like a donkey's asshole.
- [coming back in speaking to Howard]
- Moti: Okay, you start tomorrow.
- Howard (as MamaLookaboobooday): "Kill Kill Kill the White Man" by Eugene Mamalookaboobooday. Eugene is my pen name 'cause I wrote this while I was in the Pen.
- Howard Stern: Irene, the weather girl! Irene, are you there?
- [on the phone]
- Leather Weather Lady: It's cold. *Real* cold. But your ass is gonna be plenty hot when I give you a good hard butt whippin'! Tongue!
- [puts out her cigarette on the tongue of the rubberbound man]
- Leather Weather Lady: What do you think about that? Turns you on, doesn't it? You little maggot!
- Rubberbound Man: Yeah.
- Howard Stern: Irene, thank you for the weather forecast.
- Leather Weather Lady: Shut up.
- Howard Stern: We hope to hear from you tomorrow. Give us some more weather!
- Leather Weather Lady: Bite me, you loser!
- [last lines]
- Pig Vomit: [speaks to the camera as road construction happens off-screen] I bear no grudge against Howard Stern. He's been very successful, and God bless him. God bless him. But I'll tell you something; I ain't done too badly, myself. Uh, I manage a shopping mall down in Florence, Alabama. Yeah, it's the number one mall in Colbert County. It's number four in the state, so it's not too bad, you know? Uh, I play golf several times a week, you know? But I'll tell ya, if Howard woulda listened to me, I'd still be up there in radio. Still be doin' radio, you know... How 'bout that? That goddamn motherfucker, you know. I tried every
- [jackhammer]
- Pig Vomit: thing I could
- [jackhammer]
- Pig Vomit: think of, mold him into a proper kind of deejay, but that Goddamn son of a bitch
- [jackhammer]
- Pig Vomit: ! I'll tell you, Howard Stern, man! That motherfuckin'
- [extended jackhammer and siren]
- Pig Vomit: ! And I'll say that with no shame, either! Man's a
- [jackhammer]
- Pig Vomit: ! Foul-mouthed, immature... The man's immature, you know? He's like a
- [jackhammer]
- Pig Vomit: child. I'll tell ya this much: There ain't no God while Howard Stern's walking the Earth, I'll tell you that.
- [jackhammer]
- Pig Vomit: I gotta go.
- [as he walks away, whines to a passerby:]
- Pig Vomit: How 'bout that Howard Stern, huh?
- [to the camera:]
- Pig Vomit: Howard Stern can kiss my ass in hell!
- [sustained jackhammer as slump-figure Pig Vomit exits the frame]
- Howard Stern: Whoooweeee. That's me. This is Lance Lewhatsup at WNBC. WNnnnnnBC, and I am proud to be New York's first ever gay disc jockey. Ever.
- Fred Norris: Ever.
- Howard Stern: Now I want to introduce to you my soul-mate, my love-mate, who I couldn't be without, Mr. Blaxwell.
- Fred Norris: Wilkommen, Bienvenue. Welcome.
- Robin Quivers: Well, it's great to meet you both and it is a pleasure to have you here, but I understand there's already been a problem?
- Howard Stern: Oh, yes. See, I was up in the Program Director's office and his name is Pig Vomit. Because he looks like a pig and he makes you want to vomit. Pig Vomit. So Pig Vomit says to me, "The name of the station isn't WNBC. It is WNnnnnnnBC. WNnnnnnnnBC." That I wasn't saying the call letters properly. It's a big problem. So, to um, *rectify* this, I brought along a cup of Blaxwell's semen.
- Robin Quivers: Semen?
- Fred Norris: I squoze it myself. I hope it's not too tangy.
- Howard Stern: Now I'm going to gargle it, and say the call letters over and over again until I get it right.
- Robin Quivers: Do you really think that'll work?
- Howard Stern: Oh, who cares. 'Cause I just love the taste of a man. Ooooh-ga.
- Fred Norris: Ooooh-ga.
- Robin Quivers: Oh, my God, You just swallowed.
- Howard Stern: I *swallowed*!
- Fred Norris: Waste not, want not, Robin.
- Howard Stern: I want you all to know that I love WNnnnnnnnBC. See, now I can say it WNnnnnnnnnBC.
- [on why Howard is playing himself in college instead of someone younger]
- Howard Stern: I know I seem a little too old to be in College. But for this movie you've gotta suspend disbelief.
- [Howard is on the phone with Pig Vomit's wife]
- Howard Stern: Hello. Is this Betty Jean Rushton?
- Betty Jean Rushton: Yes, it is.
- Howard Stern: Hi, there. This is Howard Stern, WNnnnnBC. I'm calling because your husband Kenny has been really bitchy around the station lately and we thought that maybe you should give him some more sex.
- Betty Jean Rushton: More sex?
- Howard Stern: Yeah, he's *backed up*! Isn't he backed up, Ross?
- Ross Buckingham: What he did to me was the most unprofessional and insulting experience of my life. I hold you and this station personally responsible. You can fire me if you want to, but I will not work with that man for another MINUTE!
- [first lines]
- Dee Dee: He was *offensive*! He was *obnoxious*! He was *disgusting*! Do you want me to go on? He once wanted me to okay a contest where he would give a free toilet to the listener with the largest bowel movement! On the air. You can imagine the logistics involved with this.
- [after winning a student film competition]
- Howard Stern: I tell you, nothing makes a woman hotter than to be with an award-winning filmmaker.
- Howard: [Watching "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous"] Hey honey, Robin Leech says we should move to Antigua.
- Kenny: You did not have permission to do that bit. I did not approve that script, Goddammit, Howard!
- Brittany Fairchild: [redhead taking bubble bath] My shoulders tense up when I travel. Would you mind rubbing them for a minute?Works best in a hot bath. Helps relax the muscles.
- Howard Stern: I don't know if that's okay or not.
- Brittany Fairchild: Please! It really hurts!
- Howard Stern: Look, I don't know if I can do this. I'll tell you what, I'll just kneel over here and rub you from the back.
- Brittany Fairchild: No! Sit behind me in the tub!
- Howard Stern: [as cute blonde Mandy strips] Wow, look at this, Robin, this is unbelievable! The underpants are coming off! This is the first naked lady in the history of radio! Sans panties, sans bra!
- Robin Quivers: I am shocked!
- Howard Stern: [jokingly] Me, too! This is disgusting! We could be taken off the air!
- Robin Quivers: You've finally done it!
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