- [about Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers]
- Jay Leno: She called Bush "the most brilliant man I ever met." This is a woman we're hiring for her *judgment*?
- [about President Bush touring the South after Hurricane Katrina]
- Jay Leno: He saw something below sea level. Yeah, his approval rating.
- Jay Leno: It was so cold in California today, Scott Peterson has said he's actually looking forward to going to Hell.
- Jay Leno: [Re: Various things like a jewel-encrusted Mr. Potato Head] This is why poor countries hate us!
- [on guest Quentin Tarantino]
- Jay Leno: He's the kind of guy you don't know is drunk until you see him sober.
- [about all the Hollywood remakes of "King Kong"]
- Jay Leno: I think it's just a case of monkey see, monkey do.
- Jay Leno: [Reading from The Headlines segment] After giving himself an enema, a Fallston man reportedly became extremely confused and argumentative. Who was he arguing with?
- [Jay Leno tells a joke about Bush "outsourcing" the presidency]
- Jay Leno: That seemed kinda mean, didn't it? Who is writing all these Bush jokes? Ellen, put on the camera in the cue card room.
- [switches camera to John Edwards writing monologue cue cards]
- Jay Leno: Who's writing in there?
- John Edwards: Hey Jay - you do your job, and let me do mine.
- [on trip to China, guest Liam Neeson spent about $15 on some very cheap watches for his kids]
- Jay Leno: You cheap bastard.
- [about the Kansas City Royals, who lost 17 games in row]
- Jay Leno: It looks like President Bush wasn't the *only* one taking the entire month of August off.
- Jay Leno: [during "Headlines", imitating in southern accent] Well, looook, here's some suuure fine winder cleaner!