- Thane Furrows: Relationships? They shouldn't even call them relationships. They should have a more descriptive name: Painland.
- Thane Furrows: Smokers. There's no excuse for smoking. Smoking is the equivalent to carrying around a salt lick, laced with a little bit of cyanide.
- Thane Furrows: I hate salesmen. I always have hated salesmen, I always will hate salesmen. They are the ultimate slime of the Earth. I hate being around them. I'd rather brush my teeth and drink orange juice.
- Thane Furrows: [about breakfast cereal] It's really amazing, you know, no matter how little milk you pour on the bowl, there's always some left at the end, so you have to pour more cereal or slurp the milk like you're some kind of a dog, I won't take it, I'd rather be dead!
- Thane Furrows: I was in Las Vegas, don't ask why. When I got pulled over by a cop for making a right-hand turn on a redlight. Prostitution is legal in Las Vegas, but I made the terrible mistake of doing a right-hand turn on a red light. I could've been having sex, on the hood of the car, in the middle of the intersection, no problem. I could probably avoid the ticket by telling the cop I was a pimp and was out for a late night collection, but then she would've asked to see my hat and I would've been stuck.
- [They are discussing the talk Thane had with Melony]
- Al: Come on, I pay you fifteen bucks to tell me what else you said to her.
- Thane Furrows: OK, I told her, to take Happy the Clam and roll him up into a little ball, and shove him up her butt
- Al: Oh My God!
- Thane Furrows: [after seeing a Man on the telephone] There's a guy on the phone, OK, no problem, there's a guy on the phone.
- Insurance Salesman: Hello sir... How are you today?
- Thane Furrows: Don't ask!
- Insurance Salesman: You seem like an intelligent man.
- Thane Furrows: What are selling?
- Insurance Salesman: Well, it's not really what I'm selling. But what I have to offer.
- Thane Furrows: Oh, what do you have to offer that happens to cost money?
- Insurance Salesman: I offer security.
- Thane Furrows: Insurance.
- Thane Furrows: How about the ones who will date you for several years and then say: 'Let's just be friends.' And then they're shocked that it crushes you. That's like your mom coming up to you and saying: 'Honey, I still love you a lot, but when we're in public don't call me Mom, call me Marge.' Let's still be friends. Which is the perfect scenario for them, because I don't want anything yo do with you anymore, but it'd be really convenient for me if I felt no guilt and you were still there for me if I ever wanted to talk to you or have you help me with my life.
- Thane Furrows: Oh, you must be the tumor-like substance that lives upstairs.
- Vol: I don't mind you pounding on my floor, man, but could you do it with a little rhythm 'cause you are really messing with my head.
- Thane Furrows: Oh, I completely understand. We wouldn't want to clutter up that magnificent reservoir of thought.
- Vol: Yeah. Let's check out the place.