- [Final scene: The timer dings and Betty is, at long last, ready to kill and prepare Timmy]
- Betty: My goodness, you really did keep the best one for last, didn't you?
- Timmy: No, no. I've saved the really, really best story for now.
- Betty: Well, you should've told me the really, really best story before, 'cause now it's too late.
- [Betty rolls the preparation cart towards Timmy's cell]
- Timmy: But it's the really best one of all because there's a happy ending, a really happy ending.
- [Timmy drops the book]
- Betty: No other stories in that book have a happy ending.
- Timmy: But you gotta hear this story. It's about this kid, and his name is Timmy.
- Betty: That's nice, dear.
- Timmy: And you see, Timmy's older brother, he had this stupid paper route. And one day, Timmy's older brother got sick. Timmy had to go on collecting, and Timmy went to this one house. And this lady who answered the door, she said, "Come on in," so when he went inside, she tricked him and threw him into a pantry. She made him eat cookies all day long, 'cause she wanted him to get fat, 'cause she was gonna kill him, and cook him, and eat him!
- Betty: This is YOUR story, and you can stop telling it now because we both know how it comes out.
- Timmy: But you don't, 'cause something really weird happens.
- Betty: Oh, really?
- Timmy: Yeah.
- Timmy: [pulling out a handful of marbles from his pocket] Uh, you see, Timmy had these marbles in his pocket. They were shiny and slippery, and when he threw them on the floor...
- Timmy: [tossing the marbles on the floor] ... she didn't see where they went and she slipped.
- [Betty slips on the marbles and falls backside on the skewers, stabbing herself in the back; Betty screams in pain as she drops the keys whilst on the rolling prep table , rolling toward the oven]
- Timmy: Timmy saw his chance to escape...
- [Betty, with the skewers in her back, arises from the table in pain]
- Timmy: ...if he could just reach the keys!
- [Timmy grabs the keys, frees himself, then shoves Betty onto the huge pan and sends her into her own oven to roast alive]
- Betty: [screaming] Aaaaahhh! AAAAAHHH!
- [Timmy helps himself to a Shoprite Chips-A-Lot cookie]
- Timmy: [breaks the fourth wall] Don't you just love happy endings?
- Cabbie: Hey, man, what's so fuckin' funny?
- Bellingham: Oh, I was just thinkin' of this guy I know. Couldn't distinguish a third dynasty sacred scroll from a piece of post-Alexandrian pictogram porn.
- Bellingham: [tied to a chair watching his manuscript get dumped] My master's thesis! What're you doing?
- Andy: [ripping up a page] Well, I'm going to start a little fire under your chair and roast your nuts.
- Bellingham: Why?
- Preston: Carola. I loved you.
- Gargoyle: And i loved you, too. But you broke your vow, and that sealed our destiny.
- Wyatt: Judith says she hasn't moved anything of yours in over four months.
- Maddox: [explaining to Jer] Judy Amato. Big gallery on West Broadway.
- Wyatt: She says if the stuff isn't out by tomorrow it gets junked.
- Preston: What? Wyatt, you've got to convince her that...
- Wyatt: I can't convince her of anything.
- Preston: Wyatt, you're my agent!
- Wyatt: Well... not exactly. Preston, your artistic vision is just not a marketable commodity.
- Preston: Wyatt, I'm broke. I can't live on nothing.
- Wyatt: And I can't live on ten-percent of nothing.
- Preston: [pause] You're a monster.
- Wyatt: I'm an agent. For an agent, being a monster is just credentials.
- Carola: Preston and I are celebrating the tenth anniversary of the night we first met.
- Margaret (segment "Lover's Vow"): You mean when you thought he was gonna push you up against the wall and rape you?
- Carola: Yes, darling. It's also the night that Wyatt here gave your father the shaft.
- Wyatt: Oh, and I only had to murder three other agents before your mother would let me represent him again.
- Preston: And you're still on probation, you mercenary wretch.
- [the gargoyle has Preston in a corner outside the bar]
- Preston: [yells] No! No, please! Please, don't!
- Gargoyle: [demonic voice] Your life in exchange for a promise.
- Preston: You got it!
- Gargoyle: If I let you go, you must swear you'll never say you saw me, never say you heard me speak, never tell anyone how I look, never repeat what I've said. A promise... forever.
- Preston: You gotta be kidding.
- [the monster raises its claws; growls]
- Preston: [convinced] I-I promise!
- Gargoyle: Cross your heart?
- [the monster deeply scratches Preston's chest, then disappears]
- Preston: [screams in pain] I PROMISE!
- Betty: Of course, I'm going through a lot of trouble for a dinner party. I always go through a lot of trouble for a dinner party.
- Andy: He looks pissed off - like he's thinking.
- Bellingham: He's not thinking anything. The first thing the embalmers did was stick a hook up his nose, then drag his brain out through his nostrils.
- Lee (segment "Lot 249"): You're going to go see Bellingham!
- Susan: I give the guy a hard-on. I'm just going to talk to him, throw him off the track.
- Drogan: The cat *killed* them. I warned them, but they wouldn't listen. They found out. They found out.
- Drogan: I don't hate cats. Cats hate me. Don't you see? We're all in danger as long as that animal is in this house! You'll find out! You'll find out!
- Bellingham: Susan Smith stole that fetish and she was the one who planted it here.
- Museum Director (segment "Lot 249"): Oh, my, what a sensual candlestick.
- Bellingham: Take your hands off that!