- Ortiz the Dog Boy: Twelve milkmen IS theoretically possible. Thirteen is silly. Looks like there's one milkman too many, Coogan!
- Elijah C. Skuggs: [the EES board has turned into a giant shoe; imitating Ed Sullivan] That's a really big shoe...
- Elijah C. Skuggs: Do I seem like a weirdo?
- Ricky Coogan: Nope. You seem like a regular dumbshit old redneck to me.
- The Bearded Lady: When I arrived here, I was nothing like I am now. I was confused; a walking contradiction, and I was so full of questions.
- Elijah C. Skuggs: [flashback] You know, you'd be better off without a dick.
- The Bearded Lady: [grunts angrily]
- Elijah C. Skuggs: Hey, you can keep the beard.
- [they hug]
- The Bearded Lady: But now I know who I am. I can say to the world, 'Hey, this is me. I am woman, and I like me.'
- Ernie: How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to screw it in and one to ride my rodney!
- Ernie: [voiceover over plane landing] Well Ernie, Santa Spam. World-famous for loud music and hot sex.
- Ernie: Really?
- Ricky Coogan: Give me a few hours.
- [Airplane explodes into a giant fireball for no reason, cuts to Ricky and Ernie standing in front of the airport looking offscreen]
- Ricky Coogan: Sure glad that wasn't our plane!
- Stuey Gluck: [has drawn a bad picture of mutated Ricky] When America sees what happened to Ricky, they'll probably send the whole FBI down to save him!
- [cuts to him outside the office for the LA Times]
- Stuey Gluck: I'll probably win a Pulitzer Prize on this scoop and I'll dedicate it to Rick!
- [confidently walks inside... only to get thrown through the glass window on the door. This also happens with USA Today and Time Magazine. But when he goes to the Weekly World News...]
- Editor: Of course I'll print it!
- [grabs paper and slaps Stuey on the shoulder]
- Editor: America needs to know! Burt, give Mr. Gluck his fee and show him the way out!
- Stuey Gluck: That's okay, I know the way out!
- [throws himself through the glass door]