Nukie

Nukie is widely regarded as the worst/most painful movie ever made. No one who has seen it denies this assertion. It tops even the infamous Manos: the Hands of Fate. As a result, it has a bit of a cult following, the way Kali, the Hindu goddess of death has a bit of a cult following.

The astounding thing about Nukie is its ability to cram so much stupidity into so little time. You find yourself watching a scene, realizing that every line and every action is utterly without merit, wishing the scene would just END--then it does, and a new scene begins, equally stupid, and you realize that the last scene's eternity was really only about 30 seconds long, and this movie is about 90 minutes. That's when you look for pointy objects to thrust violently into sensitive body parts as a distraction.

The other thing about Nukie, the one that leaves me in awe, is its ability to top itself in brain-killing idiocy. The movie crushes Barney's foolishness 30 seconds in, stomps Teletubbies in minutes, and after that, it's home free in the race for cerebral vacuum creation. Despite this, every 15 minutes--or less--a scene comes along which makes your jaw drop as it rockets the movie to a new depth of idiocy. Just when you think the movie has reached its nadir, a character begins dancing, or one of the aliens demonstrates a new power, or the computer learns a new lesson about feelings, and your brain tries to escape the pain by squeezing out of your skull through the pores in the bone.

It's a truly unique experience.

Here's what I can say: this movie is SO BAD. NEVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES SEE THIS MOVIE. I try to see all the bad movies I can, and this tops them all. It's not even funny to mock, it's just that bad. It's a test of patience. Even if you think you wanna see this movie, you really don't. I'll leave you with a bit of the wit from this movie; while the scientists are taking miko's pulse with the x-ray machine, they still don't know whether he's an animal, mineral, or vegetable. Go back over that last sentence again. Yes. That actually does happen in the movie. Honestly, when I finally finished this movie I felt like dying(it took me a while because I watched about the first half hour and needed to stop on account of the utter idiocy of this movie). It is terrible. I can't stress that enough. And now I speak directly to the people who like watching bad movies: I know you've seen movie that people have told you not to see, but skip this one. It hurts to watch.

The only reason I saw this movie was because Brad Jones AKA the Cinema Snob, said it was the worst movie he ever reviewed. Well, I think he might have found one or two movies that were worse, but it doesn't matter. This film isn't really a ripoff of ET, as it basically has no similar plot at all. I guess you could just consider it better than something like "The Pod People" which was a more obvious knockoff. This movie actually did make me laugh a few times with how bad it was, so I guess I'll give it that. That still doesn't excuse it from being a terrible movie.

This movie tells the story of an alien named Nukie who becomes stranded on Earth with his brother in another continent. It really gets pitiful when the apes start talking. Now, it is stated that Nukie has the ability to learn any language, but that still doesn't make sense. How was he not able to understand the giraffe and the rhinos he saw earlier? Plus, the rhinos sound like horses! Besides that, the costumes in this film are terrible. I couldn't tell if they were meant to be like deformed monkeys or deformed bears. Nukie's friend is being researched on and manages to escape from the room without any explanation. Then he just goes back into the room. Why?!

Nukie has the ability to teleport, but he doesn't use it at the end. Oh, and he can also accidentally make earthquakes or something. He just apologizes for doing that. Huh? There's also this weird subplot with a talking computer that has an evil laugh while still helping Nukie's friend. I don't know how they far they traveled or how they all met up in the end, but I don't care. *

Nukie. It's a bad E.T. ripoff filmed in Africa, with production (and some footage) handled in Germany. It's in English, so I'm not sure where the targeted market was. Nukie and his brother Meeko are ugly little aliens with big heads and runny noses who fly through space using some sort of personal energy rather than ships. They are tempted by the beauty of the earth, fly too close, and crash. Nukie lands in Africa and is relatively unharmed; Meeko lands in the United States and is immediately picked up by NASA. At least, I think it's NASA. Its logo appears in several places, but the stock-footage building exterior is definitely not NASA. Nor is it ever called `NASA'. It's called the Space Foundation. And there are beer cans in the break room! But since NASA is the only space agency in the U.S., that's what it has to be.

Scene after scene begins with an exterior shot of `NASA'. The voice-over gives the date and time (sometimes the times don't synch with the amount of daylight shown), and more often than not he follows with `nothing unusual to report' before telling us that Meeko has escaped or some such. If that's not unusual, I don't know what is.

While Meeko suffers in America, Nukie meets the quirky inhabitants of a small village in Africa. He befriends twin boys named Tookie and Tiko, and a chimp named Charlie. Nukie and the boys search for `America', which they think is the name of the evil-doer who is holding Meeko. They must avoid an American chopper pilot working for NASA (watch out - he's a `player'), local poachers, and a pesky nun (Glynis Johns) while they do so. It all ends happily, of course, because this is a kids' movie. Nukie and Meeko fly into space amidst stock footage of fireworks, and they bring along one of their new friends from Earth. Who is the friend? You'll have to watch the movie to find out!

The producers must've expected a big demand for Nukie merchandise, because every time the word appears it has the little `TM' after it. `Nukie' is trademarked, for crying out loud; none may use his name without permission. I doubt the demand for merchandise materialized, otherwise we might be seeing Nukie lunchboxes and action figures for sale in thrift stores.

People don't believe me when I tell them this, but I kind of like Nukie. Did you ever have a friend who was your friend just because you felt sorry for them? I like Nukie because I feel sorry for it. I think it needs a friend.

The pain is the only thing that will distract you from the terminal suck of the movie. The plot line is like watching actors trying to break out of their usual roles of downs syndrome porn and the main character looks like a deep-fried shag carpet soaked in cheese made rancid manlove to ET's bastard cousin. It goes downhill from there. Wrought with so many plot holes I felt like my teeth were being jarred from their sockets just from the righteous fury, I felt the minutes this movie was bleeding from my life dripping out of my soul. I feel that if I look down I will see the tattered remains of the person I was before I saw this movie floating in a pool of my lost humanity.