- Older Pete Wrigley: Why is it that when you miss somebody so much that your heart is ready to disintegrate, you always hear the saddest song ever on the radio?
- Park Ranger Thorsen: You got a license for that tattoo, son?
- [Younger Pete shows him a license]
- Younger Pete Wrigley: Read it and weep, fungus-lick!
- Older Pete Wrigley: I'll give you anything you want. You can destroy anything in the house, tear up the yard, anything.
- Endless Mike Hellstrom: Anything?
- Older Pete Wrigley: Anything.
- [thoughtfully]
- Endless Mike Hellstrom: You got any... Neapolitan ice cream?
- [Older Pete nods]
- Endless Mike Hellstrom: Good, Wrigley. Good.
- [after Younger Pete attempts to break the world's record for days without sleep]
- Joyce Wrigley: Beautiful day, isn't it?
- Younger Pete Wrigley: Dawn was better.
- Younger Pete Wrigley: Will I ever see you again?
- Artie, The Strongest Man in the World: Worry not, boy. Worry not... for I am Artie, the strongest man
- [takes superhero position]
- Artie, The Strongest Man in the World: in the world!
- Artie, The Strongest Man in the World: Begone with you pulpy, before I fold you into some type of brochure!
- [after being betrayed by Pete while he's baking him a cake]
- Bus Driver Stu Benedict: I'll just put the finishing touches to my...
- [stabbing cake]
- Bus Driver Stu Benedict: Trust! Loyalty! Niceness!
- [Older Pete has just failed a driving simulator]
- Mr. Slurm: Congratulations, Mr. Wrigley... you're dead.
- Younger Pete Wrigley: Hey, Blowhole, wherever you are, in forty-five minutes I'm going to be famous. And you know what you're going to be? A blowhole!
- Monica: I am so sick and tired of hearing lucky this and lucky that. Why don't you take your lucky necklace stuff it down your lucky mouth before I push you down this lucky hill and make you poop in your lucky underpants.
- Big Pete Wrigley: Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house, the Spirit had ended; it had all been doused. The ornaments were yanked from the tree with despair, while dad vacuumed pine needles from his rump.
- Fran 'Pit Stain': [to Little Pete] We've all got our problems, Wrigley. Mine happens to be glandular, yours happens to be my fist!
- Bus Driver Stu Benedict: [grabbing Pit Stain's arm before he can punch Little Pete] Hi. I'm Stu Benedict, bus driver, and you're...
- [looking down at Pit Stain's arm, which is still in his hand, with visible disgust]
- Bus Driver Stu Benedict: ... sweating all over me!