- [from the song "'Cause I'm A Blonde"]
- Candy: I just want to say that being chosen as this month's Miss August is like a compliment I'll remember for as long as I can. Right now I'm a freshman in my fourth year at UCLA, but my goal is to become a veterinarian, 'cause I love children.
- [Ted sees a bowling ball embedded in his computer monitor]
- Ted: What? Oh, wait a second. They said the Commodore would stand up to anything!
- [from the song "'Cause I'm A Blonde"]
- Candy: I took an IQ test and I flunked it, of course / I can't spell VW, but I got a Porsche.
- Mac: Joe, take us to hospital, please.
- Joe the Cop: Hey, clown, you're going to the slammer!
- Mac: [looks at Mike the cop, then at Valerie] We go to slammer first.
- Valerie: [to Mac] Listen, give them that love touch, then they'll come on to me. They'll be putty in my hands.
- Mac: You want sex with Joe and Mike?
- Valerie: No, no, just so we can get away. Do it, do it! You'll see.
- Valerie: [Frantically to Candy] A UFO landed in my pool and they captured me but we made friends and I fed them Pop-Tarts and, um, they're here now, but Ted's coming home tonight so you've got to cut their hair.
- Owner of Beauty Shop: What did you say?
- Valerie: Oh, nothing. I'm on drugs.
- [Turns back to Candy]
- Valerie: Candy, you've got to help them out.
- Candy: Would you listen to yourself? Valerie, no man is worth getting yourself in this state over. Mel Gibson, maybe, but not Ted! Valerie, come here, just sit down, honey, relax, have a mental margarita, and everything is...
- [Gets interrupted by Valerie]
- Valerie: Okay, I'm going to show you something that's going to totally change your life, completely, forever. Okay?
- Candy: Well, in that case, let me get a cigarette.
- Ted: [On the phone] Dr. Tuchman, please.
- [waits]
- Ted: Barbara? Ted here. Listen, uh, I need a really big favor. I want you to cover my shift at the hospital tomorrow. I'm going to Vegas!
- [laughs]
- Ted: Well, I'm gonna lose a little money, take in a show, and get married.
- [waits]
- Ted: Barbara, Barbara, look, jus, just because I'm getting married doesn't mean we can't date, alright! What?
- [looks at the phone]
- Ted: I don't know, I'm just not that turned on by her lately.
- Body Factory Attendant: I hear oysters are good for potency.
- Dr. Rick: Yeah, I tried that once, but they kept slipping off.
- Ted: If I was any more potent, I'd kill somebody.
- Valerie: Wait a minute. Are you like coming on to me? Is this a pass? Because, I mean, if it is, sex is like *totally* out of the question.
- Mac: What is sex?
- Valerie: Sex? You know, making love. A man and a woman like each other and they take their clothes off and...
- Mac: Okay.
- Valerie: Well, no! No, no, no! We can't, no, because, I mean, me and Ted are, uh, are, uh, well, I guess we're not, but, I mean, uh, we can't because, I mean, you're an alien and I'm from the valley and we may not even be, you know, anatomically correct for each other. That could be - a real problem.
- [looks at naked Mac's groin]
- Valerie: No problem. But, I mean, uh, no, no, no. I mean, it just wouldn't work! You're from out of town. The phone bills would just be hell.
- Valerie: Really, I could keep my mouth shut. I mean, I'm the kind of person that you could tell anything to and I'd never tell. Ask my cousin, Debbie. You know, she got like her boobs done and I never told anyone. Oh! Except I just told you.
- Valerie: Dr. Gallagher. Why are you looking at me like that? You want to do what? Oh, no, no. I couldn't. No! No, please. Stop! No, no! Well, all right. Ok. Let's see. Now, champagne, flowers, Sushi, feathers, um, sensual oil, right, and incense.
- Valerie: Whoa! Candy, reality check. We can't go out with these guys. They're aliens!
- Candy: So? They can still be dates! Do you guys have margaritas on your planet?
- Valerie: Candy, it's just not safe. I'll give you a lift home and that's it.
- Candy: Don't get your panties in a bunch! We're with three major cute guys and it's Saturday night! Come on!
- Candy: [singing] Because I'm blonde, I don't have to think, I talk like a baby, And I never pay for drinks, Don't have to worry, About getting a man, If I keep this blonde, And I keep these tanned, 'Cause I'm a blonde, Yeah, yeah, yeah, 'Cause I'm a blonde, Yeah, yeah, yeah, I see people working, It just makes me giggle, 'Cause I don't have to work, I just have to jiggle, 'Cause I'm blonde...
- Candy: [singing] I just got to say, Your love life's going nowhere, 'Cause you look like Doris Day...
- Valerie: I was reading an ad for these pyramids you put over the bed. They're supposed to increase sexual energy.
- Valerie: I'm just a manicurist. I don't know about anything about anything, except nails. You know, nails?
- Valerie: [singing] I know now what you're all about, What a nightmare, My friends thought you were a dream...
- Valerie: I don't know why you abducted me anyway. I mean, I'm sure you're looking for somebody more important. You know, like Nancy Reagan.
- Valerie: You know, at first, I thought you kind of looked like a giant bigfoot or something, But now, I mean, if I didn't know that you were an alien, I would just think that you were a really cute guy. Who, I'm sure, has a girlfriend.
- Ronald Reagan: You are Americans.
- Woody: Oh! You should've seen me today, man. Nothing but radical rips all the way in. You want some slushy? Yeah, I was barely off my board when the wahines were all over me.
- Zeebo: Ew! Wahines!
- Woody: Wahines. You know, girls.
- Wiploc: Girls?
- Zeebo: You know girls?
- Woody: Does the woodburger know girls? Pinocchio got a wooden butt? I could fix you up with some bodacious chicks Just like that.
- Wiploc: Don't believe me?
- Zeebo: Like that.
- Woody: Come on. Let's hit the beach. Ride the wild bikinis!
- Ted: These degenerates broke into my home and destroyed my property. I want them arrested right now. They're MTV scum!
- Valerie: Take off your uniform.
- Head Nurse: What?
- Valerie: Take it off! Quick!
- Head Nurse: I know you. You're Teds girlfriend.
- Valerie: Strip.
- Head Nurse: I don't want any part of you or Ted or your kinky sex trips.
- Valerie: I said: Strip!