Draculas Witwe

I didn't expect a masterpiece in "Dracula's Widow" of 1989, but I was still somehow disappointed. Directed by Nicholas Cage's brother Christopher Coppola and starring 70s sex icon "Emanuelle" Sylvia Kristel, "Dracula's Widow" may not look like a promising Horror film as such, but at least I expected an entertaining sleaze and gorefest. My humble expectations were not reached, however, since the film features hardly any sleaze and the gore is existent, but not to an extent that would make the movie worthwhile. The performances are amateurish, of course, but that was to be expected, so I don't regard the lack of acting talent as a flaw. Nothing in the movie really makes any sense, and it is only the joy of seeing Sylvia Kristel as a lady vampire, as well as some pretty funny parts that make the 86 minutes endurable. My favorite character is an old antique dealer who happens to be Dr. Van Helsing's grandson. In the funniest part of the movie, the old fellow, who looks like a friendly grandpa, takes out a hammer in a morgue, driving a stake through a corpse's heart with the words "In the name of my grandfather, I destroy you". Moments like this (and Sylvia) make the movie bearable, but it is definitely quite tiresome, even though it's not even 90 minutes long. This was the first "Dracula" attempt by a Coppola family member, Christopher's famous (and usually brilliant) uncle Francis came along with a kitschy and over-hyped mainstream Dracula film in 1992. As far as I am concerned, the Coppolas would be well advised to keep their hands off the Prince Of Darkness in the future. "Dracula's Widow" is only recommended if you really have nothing better to do.

The owner of a wax museum receives a crate containing the titular character. She makes him her slave and starts to massacre various idiots throughout town. A hard-boiled cop slowly catches on and tries to take the fiend down.

I don't get all the hate for this one. Sure, it's no masterpiece. But as a fun monster flick it works well. Good pacing and suspense. Plenty of gore and cool creature effects. I also loved the cinematography, particularly the use of colored lights. So while it may be a b-movie, it sure wasn't boring. I was entertained from beginning to end. The only bothersome problem in my opinion was the plot, which should've been more cohesive. A better outfit for the vampire widow could've helped to as she looked more like Lois Lane rather than the bride of Dracula.

The young owner (Lenny Von Dohlen) of a waxworks in Hollywood receives six instead of five ordered chests with Romanian antiques. He does not know that Vanessa (Sylvia Kristel), widow of Count Dracula, sleeps in the sixth chest.

Why does this have such a terrible rank on IMDb? I have given it double, simply to spite those people who voted it so poorly. Seriously, people, this 1980s horror-comedy is worlds better than 99% of the films that come out today, and you still rank today's movies above a 5. Geez!

Sadly, Sylvia Kristel (who you may know from multiple Emmanuelle films) passed away recently (October 2012). She really tears it up in the titular role. But Lenny Von Dohlen is no slouch, either, adding the necessary comedy bits. (You hopefully know him from "Twin Peaks" -- and if not, you should.)

When a film is titled "Dracula's Widow", and we see the title character seducing and killing a guy within the first 5 minutes, what's the point of having nearly half the running time taken up by a police investigation that can only eventually lead to what we already know from the start?

Also, I thought that getting bitten by a vampire wasn't enough to make you a vampire, you also had to drink blood from the vampire that bit you. Ah, never mind, it seems that every movie in this genre is making up its own rules.

Sylvia Kristel is pretty bland in a role that a better actress could have done MUCH more with, wears an awful wig, and doesn't provide any nudity either. The special effects are mostly terrible - when Kristel is in full-beast mode, she looks more like a werewolf than a vampire! The lovely Rachel Jones, as the hero's girlfriend, is one of the film's few bright spots. (*1/2)

Okay, since I retired I have a LOT of those idle hours, and I'm happy to find amusing moving-picture shows like this one to fill them.

That being said, what is with the incessant synthsizer/organ/whiney thingy playing EVERY SECOND of the movie?

Some scenes call for music, others don't. The music guy for this video never blinks his ping-pong eyes. His philosophy is "Hey, don't forget this is scary -- Hey, don't forget this is supposed to be scary -- Hey, Hey. Hey! HEY!"

My first six wives didn't make this much noise. Even during the disembowelments.

My advice: Turn the sound off, and turn on the captions.