- Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, in order to achieve an "R" rating today, a motion picture must contain full frontal nudity, graphic violence, or an explicit reference to the sex act. Since this film has none of those, and since research has proven that R-rated films are by far the most popular with the moviegoing public, the producers of this motion picture have asked me to take this opportunity to say "Fuck you."
- [the MPAA R-rating logo appears on the screen]
- [Over the phone]
- Ms. Van Dyke: What makes your voice sound so funny?
- The Breather: I'm disguising it.
- Ms. Van Dyke: How?
- The Breather: By talking through a rubber chicken.
- Ms. Van Dyke: I thought it sounded like you were speaking through a rubber chicken.
- The Breather: [on the phone] I'm gonna kill next at the football game. Click.
- Ms. Van Dyke: Did you hang up?
- The Breather: No, I just said "click".
- [then hangs up]
- The Breather: Why do they always run away from me? It's the galoshes. They're a dead giveaway. Why do I wear them? It isn't even raining!
- Mr. Dumpkin: You don't need your family. You don't need your friends. As long as you have, a horsehead bookend.
- [overhears Toby talking]
- Mr. Dumpkin: Talking? During horsehead bookends? Who was that? Sure, the girl. What have we here, Miss Shouldn't-be-in-the-class-anyway?
- Toby: Well, it's a horsehead bookend, Mr. Dumpkin.
- Mr. Dumpkin: You stained it and everything. I couldn't have done a better job myself.
- Toby: That's what I was thinking.
- [the word SUSPECT flashes in front of Mr. Dumpkin]
- [a blind man and a man in a wheelchair are arguing over the only handicapped parking space]
- Charles Ray: Hey, man, that's my parking space! Can't you see I'm blind?
- Wheels: Hey, I'm more handicapped than you! I can't even make love to a woman.
- Charles Ray: I can never find one! Now move it!
- [Patti pulls in and steals the space]
- Wheels: Hey, that's our parking spot!
- Patti: Great physical beauty can be a handicap, too.
- Toby: Who could have done these murders?
- Hardy: I don't know. It could have been anybody.
- Toby: Well, it can't be ANYbody. It's gotta be somebody.
- Hardy: Of course it's somebody, but that somebody could be anybody.
- Toby: Well, look, we didn't do it, right?
- Hardy: Right.
- Toby: So you can't say it could be anybody. WE'RE anybody.
- Hardy: True, but we're also somebody.
- The Breather: [to the audience] Hello, it's me, The Breather. You're probably wonder who I am. Who could I be? Could I be the innocent looking Toby? Would you trust a girl who looked like Prince Valiant in a plum sweater? Maybe I'm Dr. Sigmund; a man who was once arrested for corrupting the morals of a hooker. Then there's Malvert; with an I.Q. of a handball and the personality of a parking meter: violated! Could I be the principal Mr. Peters; a man who keeps cheese in his underwear to attract mice? Let's not forget Ms. Leclair; English teacher by day and English teacher by night. Ah, Miss Mumsley; She eats 12 prunes a day and nothing happens. Nurse Krud and Ms. Van Dyke; what's in a name? Everything! And then there's Dumpkin; a man who sleeps with his nuts in between horsehead bookends.
- Football Coach: Wait a minute. Now, he could be our man. Look at him! Look at him! He's got blood on his hands!
- Malvert the Janitor: No, since accident, Malvert pee red. You know good urologist?
- [phone rings]
- Ms. Van Dyke: I'll get it. I'm farthest from the phone.
- Miss Mumsley: That makes sense.
- Toby: My father, Yuck.
- Dr. Sigmund: Your father's name was Yuck?
- Toby: He used to lock me in my room with him in it.
- Dr. Sigmund: Don't call me Daddy anymore.
- Malvert the Janitor: Since accident, Malvert sometimes pee red.
- Malvert the Janitor: Sex kills. Sex kills.
- Miss Mumsley: Listen Albert I wanted to talk to you. If for some reason suspicion should fall on our dear Mr. Peters, we would like you to confess. Well Mr. Peters is a valuable asset to society. While you are mere scum. What difference would jail make to you? You'll have fun with the boys. Women don't like you much now, I certainly don't! Homosexuality Is the up and coming thing.
- Toby: My father, Yuck.
- The Breather: Your father's name was Yuck?
- Toby: He used to lock me in my room with him in it.
- The Breather: Don't call me Daddy anymore.
- Patti: [seeing a disguised Toby at the big dance] I'm telling you that's her. She's after my crown.
- Scott: I'll go up to her and dance with her. If I don't get a hard-on, it'll be Toby for sure.
- Mr. Dumpkin: [Toby pulls Hardy in for a long passionate kiss which draws a lot of attention including a very sweaty Mr. Dumpkin who wrings out his hankerchief] Horseheads. Horseheads.
- Scott: [pulls himself back to Patti] That's not her.
- Patti: That's *not* Toby Badger.