- Wilbur Finletter: My God! It's Adolf Hitler!
- Mason Dixon: This is Sam Smith. He's our undercover expert. He's only disguised as Adolf Hitler.
- The President: Take air force one.
- Jim Richardson: Sir, Air Force one is broken
- The President: Broken?
- Jim Richardson: Yes sir.
- The President: The whole plane?
- Jim Richardson: In a sense sir, you remember where the Washington monument used to be?
- Commerical voice: Last year, more people were killed by automobile accidents, heart attacks, lung cancer, and natural causes combined than by any one tomato.
- Sam Smith: [after infiltrating the tomatoes and is eating with them] Hey, can somebody please pass the ketchup? Whoops!
- News Announcer: [voice-over] And today the president closed the nation's last remaining submarine base at Groton, Connecticut. When asked why he had made the startling decision the president responded, "Those funny little black ships just keep sinking anyway."
- General: You'd better bring a coat Mr. Richardson, there's a little Jap in the air.
- Dr. Morrison: He means nip.
- Jim Richardson: I can say without fear of contradiction, that under no circumstances, and at no time has that current administration expended any public monies whatsoever for the purchase of the fluffy flower print toilet paper.
- Ted Swan: We have to convince the little housewife out there that the tomato that ate the family pet is not dangerous!
- Jim Richardson: Nobody is closer to power then the press secretary for the president. But it is never fully yours, it's dangling in front of you. Mocking your very existence. I WILL NOT BE MOCKED ANY LONGER!
- Wilbur Finletter: Guten Morgen, Herr Hitler!
- Sam Smith: Autobahn!
- Wilbur Finletter: Sprechen Sie Deutsch?
- Sam Smith: Wiener Schnitzel!
- Ted Swan: But he wants us to do that, AND make this appear to be a blessing in disguise? Now that's a challenge.
- Jim Richardson: The President does tend to expect the impossible...
- Ted Swan: You're not listening to me Richardson. I said it would be a CHALLENGE. Man was put on this earth to face challenges my boy.
- Jim Richardson: You can do it?
- Ted Swan: Can I do it?
- [manically laughs, then sings]
- Ted Swan: Some sell, some buy, and only we know why! The wrapper's more important than the price! Important decisions are made each day, much too important for the plain folk to make. They're always in a bind, so we're here to help them make up their mind!
- [last lines]
- Carrot: [as the Carrot emerges from the ground in a field of carrots] All right, you guys. They're gone now.
- [Lois and Finletter are speaking on adjacent hotel payphones to her editor and Dixon, respectively]
- Newspaper Editor: [picking up the ringing phone] Yeah.
- Lois Fairchild: Trouble, sir.
- Mason Dixon: [picking up the ringing phone] Hello.
- Wilbur Finletter: Trouble sir.
- Mason Dixon, Newspaper Editor: What?
- Lois Fairchild: I haven't seen Dixon all day. I've been following his assistant. That's getting me nowhere.
- Mason Dixon: Followed? By who?
- Newspaper Editor: Following who?
- Lois Fairchild: His assistant.
- Wilbur Finletter: A spy!
- Mason Dixon: A spy?
- Lois Fairchild: That's right.
- Mason Dixon, Newspaper Editor: What's he look like?
- Lois Fairchild: Medium height, medium build...
- Wilbur Finletter: It's a she, sir. You know, the strumpet last night. The one with the big...
- Lois Fairchild: ... guns and a sword.
- Wilbur Finletter: Long blonde...
- Lois Fairchild: ... parachute...
- Wilbur Finletter: ... sunglasses. Combat boots...
- Wilbur Finletter: ... and a dress.
- Mason Dixon: There's nothing suspicious about that.
- Newspaper Editor: You can't be serious.
- Lois Fairchild: What should I do?
- Newspaper Editor: Look. I thought I made it perfectly clear. I don't think you've made use of all your potential if you know what I mean.
- Mason Dixon: Look, you're obviously tired. Why don't you go take a nap.
- Wilbur Finletter: [incredulously] You mean go to bed?
- Lois Fairchild: [incredulously] I couldn't do *that*!
- Newspaper Editor: Why not? You're a woman.
- Wilbur Finletter: I resent that.
- Mason Dixon: I didn't say that you were incompetent. I just think you could use a rest.
- Lois Fairchild: [resigned] Yes, sir. But I... well. I'll do my best, sir.
- Mason Dixon: [hanging up after the sign-off] Goodbye.
- Newspaper Editor: [hanging up after the sign-off] Goodbye.
- Lois Fairchild: [hanging up after the sign-off] Goodbye.
- Wilbur Finletter: [pressing the hook switch a few times] Operator. Operator, I, uh... I've gotten a wrong number, I'd like my dime back.
- [at the other end of Finletter's call, the operator is speaking in angry muffled sounds]