Hausaufgaben

A young man sits doing his math homework. He pulls out a porno mag and begins to fantasize about the model in the magazine being photographed by some other guy. This would make sense if he were gay, and wants to become a fashion photographer. But he is supposed to be straight. If the picture led him to fantasize, wouldn't the fantasy be sexual somehow?

The boy has a more interesting fantasy a little bit later, where he imagines himself comatose in hospital due to lack of sex, and has two sexy nurses, one of whom bares her breasts.

The movie appears to have a better budget than most '80s teen sex comedies. It features more locations and actors, though no one makes any impression.

I believe the movie is supposed to be about a young man, luckless in sex, being seduced by Joan Collins. She is barely in it, and all her scenes seem separate from the rest of the movie. No wonder - according to Wikipedia, they were filmed two years apart from the rest of the "movie". The whole thing has the same disconnected feeling.

There is a smoking hot French teacher, who should have been the one to seduce the protagonist - not Collins. In one bizarre scene, she offers to tutor one of the other kids, and he comes to her house and talks to her in fluent French, impressing her. She speaks English, presumably because the actress couldn't fake it in French. Why didn't they just make her a science teacher or something?

Google offers some hints about Collins' lack of real participation: she filmed her part two years before the rest, in a minor role, and the filmmakers edited the movie - and marketed it - to make it look like she played a main role. She sued them, particularly for using a body double in a later scene to make it look like she got naked.

B-movie god Wings Hauser makes an appearance at the halfway mark. He apparently plays some kind of rock star. What is he doing in this movie?

There are also scenes with an African American family that don't seem related to the movie's main story, if you can really say it has one.

The kid speaking French to his teacher is apparently, actually, French. I don't know why they didn't introduce that earlier. This movie is very confusing.

The protagonist finally meets Collins with only fifteen minutes left to go. So much for the whole "virginal loser seduced by sexy Dame" plotline.

And then the movie ends, without having resolved, or even really established, anything.

Thank god it's over.

My review was written in August 1982 after a Times Square screening.

"Homework" is a very poorly-made sex comedy about a high school boy's problems in losing his virginity. Filmed circa 1979 with the alternate title "Growing Pains", picture predates Jensen Farley's hit pickup "Private Lessons", but offers exploitation possibilities as a followup release.

Evidencing plentiful post-production doctoring (mainly in the form of added nude scenes), "Homework" is truly a mixed bag, alternating dead-serious (bordering on pathos at times) depictions of the problems young teen Tommy (Michael Morgan) with poor-taste gags and softcore sex. Episodic screenplay also covers his pals' antics: Ralph (Lanny Horn) with a crush on the cute substitute French teacher (Lee Purcell); g.f. Sheila (Erin Donovan) obsessed with swim team practice and Lisa (Shell Kepler) hoping to use their vocal group The Flies as a stepping stone.

Plot payoff has Sheila's mom Diana (Joan Collins) lusting after young Tommy and finally introducing him to sex (with the aid of poorly matched double Joy Michael, who also portrays Diana at age 16 in several crudely inserted flashback scenes).

"Homework" ironically also strikes a blow against serious-minded efforts in the exploitation field. While out-and-out silly and frivolous teen pics are easy to watch (viz., the many American International and Crown International hits of the last two decades), this film's serious scenes clash with viewer's expectations and the rest of the package. It is dreary and tedious to see Tommy pouring his problems out to school psychologist Dr. Delingua (Carrie Snodgress) or traipse around the seamy Sunset Strip, forlorn amidst a barrage of sexual enticements. Instead of being funny, his bed scene of impotency with a hooker is distasteful. Documentary-trained lighting cameraman Paul Goldsmith stresses source lighting for a "realistic" look, which runs counter to the comedy and results in dim, ugly interiors.

Well-known adult cast plays second-fiddle to the kids, with Collins a steady trouper even when assigned to staring at a kid's jeans-clad crotch for a whole scene. Purcell is winning as the nervous teacher, though her role and that of the psychologist played by Snodgress are peripheral. Betty Thomas (later of "Hill St. Blues") has a ten-second bit part as rock star Wings Hauser's secretary. Biggest laughs of the film go to Mel ("Little Shop of Horrors") Welles and Beverly Todd, as doctor and clinic receptionist.

I suppose you could call it a feature length after school special. Homework touches on some strange subjects though (I wish after school specials had been this interesting) including having sex with your girlfriends mom and how to cope with getting vd from a rock star. It's somewhat likeable, but I recommend watching it for the camp value alone.

Within 5 minutes of this teenage romp we see a shaggy hair blonde kid scribbling in his notebook under the bedroom lamp, dream sequences about Porn-actresses being photographed by sleazy men and the same young man and his friend smoking a joint at their lockers while subsequently ogling half naked girls through a door vent. When a movie starts out this cheesy you are immediately forewarned of what you are getting into or what one might think they hope to donate their precious time to, a guilty pleasure. Unfortunately, Homework doesn't get any better. Joan Collins, as the tigress who allures young Michael, ends up looking shoddy and lascivious instead of the wise seductress she is meant to be. This movie is filled with 3rd rate acting and the directing is what one would expect from a novice High School student directing his first movie. The film looks so bad that you could easily mistake this for 16mm or even 8mm. Usually I can laugh and enjoy these old teen movies for the freak value and nostalgic curios they offer. But not this one. Oddly enough, the movie ends on a strangely sad note with the two male friends walking down Hollywood Boulevard whereupon they strike up a conversation about the possibility of making it in motion pictures. The credits roll and this moody ballad about trying to be a star ends this horrible picture. Are we supposed to feel morose? Happy? Inspired? More like ripped off.

This has to be one of the worst movies I have ever seen. I assume that was supposed to build on movies like Fame as well as your usual teen high school comedy, but this movie fails in every aspect. At less than 90 minutes, the film is still too long and boring, the dialogue is rather silly and the music/rock star image being portrayed is quite odd, even for the time. The movie features some gratuitous nudity, but even these scenes are rather dumb. The whole styling reminds me of Boogie Nights era adult movies, but is seriously lacking in appeal. Most of the actors were (and stayed) unknown, at least one scene is done with a body double.

If you see this movie advertised in your TV program guide, my suggestion is change the channel immediately and watch Class instead.