- Flo: Mel, what you doing back there, pulling on your pudding? Or are you giving it a whack with a hammer? I heard the only way you can get it up is to slam it in a door.
- Mel: I don't want to get too close to you, honey. It will get you all bothered up early in the morning.
- Flo: I could lay under you, eat fried chicken... and do a crossword puzzle at the same time. That's how much you bother me.
- Audrey: Weird. Very weird. He's even weird for Tucson, and Tucson is the weird capital of the world.
- [last lines]
- Tommy: [final lines] You really love David, don't you?
- Alice: Yep, I do.
- Tommy: Yeah, I like him too, I just hate his taste in music. He always said you could fight with somebody and still like him.
- Alice: Hey, now you're using your old noggin! Thanks pal!
- [hugs and kisses]
- Alice: My boy!
- Tommy: Mom, mom, I can't breathe!
- Alice: I'm waiting on tables.
- Tommy: Huh?
- Alice: I'm a waitress, that's what.
- Tommy: Is it a nice place, anyway?
- Alice: Hell, yes! Mel and Ruby's cafe? Are you kidding?
- Tommy: It doesn't sound so bad.
- Alice: There's just Mel there. Ruby's been dead for 14 years. The place killed her. It'll probably kill me, too.
- Audrey: You want to get high on Ripple?
- Tommy: What?
- Audrey: You want to get high on Ripple?
- Tommy: No, I can't. What about your folks?
- Audrey: My dad split two years ago. Mom turns tricks at the Ramada Inn from 3:00 p.m. on.
- Tommy: What if she came home?
- Audrey: She wouldn't even notice. I could have a troop of bare-assed Eagle Scouts in for the afternoon and she wouldn't blink an eye. Why? Is your mom a hard-nose?
- Tommy: No, a singer. Or a waitress, I guess.
- Audrey: A singing waitress. Weird. So you want Ripple or not?
- David: So who's stoppin' ya?... Pack yer bags; I'll take you to Monterey... I don't give a damn about that ranch.
- Store Clerk: You're sure laying the money out for meat. Company coming?
- Alice: No, my husband hates me and I'm trying to get him to chase me around the bedroom.
- Bea: I sure couldn't live without some kind of man around the house.
- Alice: Oh, I could!
- Bea: And neither could you.
- Alice: Oh, yes, I could!
- Bea: No, you couldn't.
- Alice: Oh, yes, I could!
- Bea: Oh, no you couldn't.
- Alice: Easy. I could be just as happy if I never saw one again, ever. Of course, I don't know, it might be different if I ever, you know, if I met a man like Robert Redford. I mean, that could be different.
- Bea: I'll bet it's different.
- Alice: You know, he wouldn't be the kind of man that would roll over and go to sleep as soon as he's finished. And he'd be very gentle.
- Bea: Listen, I wonder what kind of build he's got on him.
- Alice: Did you ever see his feet?
- Bea: Feet?
- Alice: I heard one time that's supposed to be an indication.
- [phone rings]
- Alice: Excuse me.
- Bea: [Thinks intently] Oh, I saw a picture. They're huge!
- Flo: Mel! Where's that order of bacon? I swear that man moves like dead lice were falling off him. I mean, Grandma was slow, but she was old.
- Flo: Everybody, listen! We got us here a new girl, and her name is Alice. And today is her first day on the job. And Mel here says that she was a singer. How about them apples? And everybody can see she's got big tits on her. But hands off. Let the girl do her work. If there's going to be any grab-assing around here, grab mine. You look, but don't you touch.
- Alice: I saw the "Waitress Wanted" sign. I said, "Why not?" So I took this job.
- Flo: Well, let me give you a hint. Honey, unbutton that top button.
- Alice: Really?
- Flo: Yeah. If you bend over, you get more tips when you're working.
- Alice: You're kidding me
- Flo: I'm not kidding. I got $50 last week.
- Alice: Really?
- Flo: Yeah.
- Alice: Like that?
- Flo: Yeah. Honey, forget what I said. You do that and I'm never going to get a tip again.
- [laughs]
- David: Your brother taught you to kiss?
- Alice: I don't mean he demonstrated. He told me that the worst thing that can happen is if a boy feels like he's put his lips in a bowl of wet oatmeal.
- David: At least he said "lips."
- Alice: So the most important thing to remember before you kiss is to wipe your mouth real good and keep your lips together so he doesn't kiss your teeth. So, we went to see "The Postman Always Rings Twice." And there was this big close-up of - what's her name? Lana Turner and John Garfield, right? And they're just coming together. Big dramatic moment. At last, they're going to kiss. The music's playing. It's very dramatic. And just as they come together, they both open their mouths. And I thought, "My God, don't they know how to kiss? What's wrong with them?" And I turned and looked at my brother to see what he was going to say. He just sat there. He didn't move, he was just looking at screen. He didn't say anything for three weeks. And then all of a sudden one day, he says: "Well, Al, I've been thinking."
- David: Al?
- Alice: Yes, he always called me Al. "l think maybe you're supposed to part your lips a little bit when you kiss."
- David: God bless him.
- Alice: We decided we wanted to go into show business from the movies.
- David: Why did you leave?
- Alice: I got married and Donald wanted to live in his hometown. I wanted to go on singing. He said, "No wife of mine is going to sing in a saloon." I said, "Yes, master." I kind of liked that.
- David: You liked it?
- Alice: It was like, you know, my idea of a man: strong and dominating.
- [laughs]
- Audrey: My dad was a bastard, all right. He used to make me bend over while he whipped me with his belt. I still think about going up to him and saying: "All right, Harry, bend over. You're going to get the belt for that."
- Alice: [after Tommy was being a smart aleck] If you open your mouth, once more, I swear to God, I'm gonna nail it shut.
- Tommy: [Opens his mouth]
- Alice: I'm warning you, Tommy. I'm gonna throw you out, and you're gonna walk the last mile home.
- [Tommy makes faces at his mother]
- Alice: Get out!
- [Kicks Tommy out of the car, and Alice drives away]
- Alice: I'm out there, spending too much money on clothes... trying to look like maybe I'm under 30 so somebody will hire me... and you're sitting in here, whining like an idiot. I will get a job, all right?
- Flo: The first thing you got to do is figure out what it is you want. And once you figure it out, you just jump in there with both feet and let the devil take the hindmost!
- Alice - Age 8: [as a child singing an Alice Faye song and stating she will become a singer] You wait and see... and if anybody doesn't like it, they can blow it out their ass.
- Audrey: You know, you're lucky to get out of Tucson. The school here is weird, let me tell you. Mr. Emmet, the science teacher, wears a hairnet. Scary. Really scary.
- Alice: You know what I'll do when my ship comes in? I'm going to get me one of those fancy negligees and a pair of gold high-heeled slippers, with the fur pompons on them, or whatever you call them. And then I'm going to shave my legs, like all those ladies on television do.
- Tommy: The joke is *where* the dog grabs him.
- Alice: Where?
- Tommy: On the nuts! That's the punch line of the joke.
- Alice: The dog grabs the gorilla by the nuts is the punch line?
- Tommy: No, no. That's a major part of the story. You have to know that to get the punchline. Now, do you know what nuts are?
- Alice: Balls.
- Tommy: Right!