- Vince Ricardo: You know, I'm such a great driver, it's incomprehensible that they took my license away.
- [after a harrowing cab ride]
- Sheldon: Did we hit the little boy on Sixth Avenue?
- Vince Ricardo: No, we missed him by a good foot and a half.
- Vince Ricardo: I was in the jungle--the bush we called it--for approximately nine months...
- Sheldon: Nine months! That must have really been something!
- Vince Ricardo: It was. I saw things... They have tsetse flies down there the size of eagles.
- Vince Ricardo: What do you think will happen when they run off this dough... and there's trillions of extra dollars, francs, and marks floating around? You've got a collapse of confidence in the currency. People are gonna panic. There's gonna be gold riots, atonal music... political chaos, mass suicide. Right? It's Germany before Hitler. You can see that. Jesus, I don't know what people are gonna do... when a six-pack of Budweisers costs $1,200.
- Sheldon: That'll be awful.
- General Garcia: I am a pacifist by nature with a deep Quaker belief in the sanctity of human life. I wish I had a choice but to kill you.
- [On working for the CIA]
- Vince Ricardo: Are you interested in joining? The benefits are terrific. The trick is not to get killed. That's really the key to the benefit program.
- Tommy: Dad and his mysterious phone calls.
- Vince Ricardo: What the hell do you mean by that?
- Tommy: Nothing. You're just always making these weird calls in back rooms and pay booths...
- Vince Ricardo: You little snot-nose! Those phone calls put you through college!
- General Garcia: [commenting on his choice for a new national flag, featuring a portrait of himself alongside a topless local prostitute] If it wasn't for the church, this flag would be flying at the U.N right now. But no... they stand in the way, THEY STAND IN THE WAY!
- Vince Ricardo: Son, do you remember when we used to play ball on Nagle Avenue?
- Tommy: No, Dad, we talked about playing ball on Nagle Avenue, but we never did.
- Vince Ricardo: Just go with the flow, Shel, just go with the flow.
- Sheldon: What flow? There isn't any flow.
- Sheldon: [Reading inscription on picture of President Kennedy in Vince's office] To Vince, Well at least we tried--Thanks for everything - John F. Kennedy.
- General Garcia: These are the best security men in the world. The used to work for J.C. Penney in Detroit.
- Sheldon: [eating] This chicken is really sensational, you want to give out the recipe?
- General Garcia: Oh no, is old Tijado secret, the pollo must be marinated for six weeks.
- Sheldon: It's very good, you don't get this kind of stuff in New York.
- Vince Ricardo: when asked why he's not eating: My stomach is a little upset, I have to stay away from all marinated birds.
- Vince Ricardo: How much of this you gonna' run off?
- General Garcia: 300 billion.
- Vince Ricardo: Oh, that'll do it. That's more than enough.
- General Garcia: It will bring the Western punks to their knees... In 72 hours, the monetary system of the world will collapse like a wet taco.
- Vince Ricardo: A very fine analogy, sir.
- General Garcia: Blood will run in the streets of Zurich. German bankers will just throw themselves under the trolley. Widows and orphans will be left penniless.
- Vince Ricardo: Sounds good to me.
- General Garcia: There will be panic. There will be looting, rioting in the streets and suicides.
- Vince Ricardo: Fabulous.
- General Garcia: And you, my dear, sweet American friends, you were here right at the start. Come. We celebrate.
- Vince Ricardo: [Matter-of-factly, while getting away after knocking out Angie and shooting the gun out of Mo's hand] Cabbie, we're going on.
- Vince Ricardo: You were smart to order that split-pea soup, that looks delicious. May I?
- [after tasting soup]
- Vince Ricardo: Mmm, it's very nice--it's a little greasy, but it's very nice. Crumble up some Saltines into it, Shel, that will absorb the grease.
- Vince Ricardo: Next time we're in Tijada, Shel, don't let me forget. They make a chicken sandwich here. They serve it on a hard roll. They heat it up with orange juice. You know, "grande," a big one. Or pineapple juice. And coffee. Do you take coffee, Shel? Espresso with that beautiful foam... Oh, Jesus, pigs!
- Vince Ricardo: These flies, for example. they're protected against pilferage under the provisions of the Guacamole Act of 1917.
- Sheldon: She's marrying the son, not the father.
- Mr. Hirschorn: The son is the acorn. You gotta look at the tree.
- Sheldon: This guy's a crook?
- Vince Ricardo: They're all crooks down here. At least this one doesn't make any bones about it.