- Jonathan Kingsley: What are you implying by "she led him on"?
- Dr. Herbert Fleischer: Well, my son is an innocent. Which is more than I can say for your daughter.
- Jonathan Kingsley: Go on implying, but keep your guard up.
- Dr. Herbert Fleischer: Well, doctor-to-doctor, you better know something, Doctor.
- Jonathan Kingsley: Like what?
- Dr. Herbert Fleischer: Well, I concluded her medical yesterday. And to put it unmedically, your daughter no longer qualifies as a spinster.
- Jonathan Kingsley: Do you mean precisely what I think you mean?
- Dr. Herbert Fleischer: Precisely.
- Bartholmew Smuts: [Looking at a painting hanging over Dr. Kingley's fireplace] Hey, man. That is a pretty groovy reproduction!
- Jonathan Kingsley: That is no reproduction. That is an original Matisse.
- Bartholmew Smuts: An original copy, you mean. Matisse never used a brush stroke like that in his life. Where did you buy this phony?
- Jonathan Kingsley: From a patient of mine who happens to be an art dealer.
- Bartholmew Smuts: That patient's cured, man. *You* belong on the couch.
- Linda Kingsley: [her parents are trying to get her to clean up her very messy room] How can you make such a big deal out of one little messy room when this whole world is flying apart? Crime on the streets! Strontium-90 in our milk! Push-button warfare! Why, do you realize that at any moment, we might be *blasted* off the face of this earth?
- Jonathan Kingsley: All right. So we'll be blasted. But when we are, you are going with a clean room!
- Abbey Kingsley: [on witnessing Dr. Kingsley questioning Linda about who took her virginity] Boy, this beats the bejaggers out of Fanny Hill!
- Alice Kingsley: Oh, come on, Jon, you know you don't believe in spanking.
- Jonathan Kingsley: Spanking no. Strangling, Yes!
- Jonathan Kingsley: [Admonishing his wife, who is starting to clean up their daughter's very messy bedroom] You're not to make a bed, pick up a shoe, or empty an ashtray. Let the cigarette butts pile up on the floor 'til the carpet dies of nicotine poisoning!
- Richard Merrick: [Referring to Linda] That's quite a girl you've got there, Doctor. Should be a real comfort to you in your old age.
- Jonathan Kingsley: She should be. She's what's causing it.
- Linda Kingsley: [Reading from her geometry book that she and Freddie are supposed to be studying] The volume of a sphere is equal to the product of its area by 1/3 its radius.
- Freddie Fleischer: Man, that sounds sexy!