- Connie Philpotts: It's your girls I'm talking about, I've heard them all night long, doors banging...
- Sidney Fidler: Blimey, when you've got young dollies around you have to expect a bit of banging.
- Connie Philpotts: Well, I expect you to get them into bed at a reasonable hour.
- Sidney Fidler: I promise you, I'll do my very best!
- Hope Springs: It's not her fault she has to wear a falsie.
- Sidney Fidler: What do you mean, *a* falsie?
- Hope Springs: She's got one bigger than the other.
- Sidney Fidler: Is that right?
- Hope Springs: No, left.
- Connie Philpotts: You and a bunch of beauty queens? It's like asking Dracula to be in charge of a blood bank!
- Sidney Fidler: Now, now, wait a minute, that's not true. You know I don't go for beautiful women: I like you.
- Connie Philpotts: That does it! Go on! You lecherous so-and-so, go on, *get out*!
- Mayor Frederick Bumble: I do feel that Councilor Fidler has a point there. Considering our very high seasonal rainfall figure.
- Augusta Prodworthy: Oh, really Mr. Mayor? Personally, I feel it's quite an average one.
- Sidney Fidler: If you think nine inches is an average one, you've been spoiled!
- Augusta Prodworthy: And since I am strongly of the opinion that we are already providing more than enough entertainment for visitors, I wish to propose the motion that the provision of more would be detrimental to the good name of the borough.
- Sidney Fidler: Knickers!
- Mayor Frederick Bumble: Please, Councillor! I should strike that from the minutes, Miss Drew.
- Miss Drew: Ah, I beg your pardon, your worship?
- Mayor Frederick Bumble: Don't take down "knickers".
- Sidney Fidler: Chance would be a fine thing, wouldn't it, love?
- Mayor Frederick Bumble: Councillor Fidler, I really must request you moderate your language while in committee.
- Augusta Prodworthy: I second that.
- Sidney Fidler: I do beg the Committee's pardon, your worship. But all this bleedin' codswollop about mucking up the good name of the borough gets on my wick!
- Miss Drew: Should I...?
- Mayor Frederick Bumble: No, no!
- Connie Philpotts: Hello, Mrs. Dukes, I thought you were going to the cinema.
- Mrs. Dukes: I did, but I had to leave. A young man sat next to me and started to make improper suggestions.
- Connie Philpotts: Again? Really, you should complain to the manager.
- Mrs. Dukes: I can't - he's after me too, you see!
- Connie Philpotts: Well, Mrs. Dukes, perhaps you shouldn't make yourself look quite so attractive.
- Mrs. Dukes: Oh it's not that, I can't help it. I give out waves, you know.
- Connie Philpotts: Really?
- Mrs. Dukes: Yes, my late husband used to call it *oomph*!
- Dawn Brakes: Excuse me, is this the train to the beauty contest?
- Peter Potter: Yes, that's right.
- Dawn Brakes: Oh good.
- Paula Perkins: [to Paula] Are you coming?
- Paula Perkins: Certainly not!
- Dawn Brakes: [looking at Paula up and down] Perhaps you're right.
- Dawn Brakes: [to Peter as she looks into the carriage] Are you in this one?
- Peter Potter: That's right, I am.
- Dawn Brakes: I'll join you then.
- Paula Perkins: [suspiciously] You didn't tell me anything about a beauty contest!
- Peter Potter: I think I'd better go!
- Ida Downs: What do you want us to wear?
- Sidney Fidler: Oh, anything that brings out your best... points Miss...?
- Ida Downs: Downs, Ida Downs.
- Sidney Fidler: Ah, I bet you come from Beds.
- Ida Downs: No - Bristol.
- Sidney Fidler: I should have guessed.
- Ida Downs: I've got a rather smashing two-piece swimsuit.
- Sidney Fidler: Great - just wear one piece of that!
- Ida Downs: Will they publish pictures like that?
- Larry: Not in my paper!
- Ida Downs: Oh! You're a dirty old man!
- Admiral: [to Connie] Mrs. Philpotts, I wish to complain. This young woman molested me.
- Ida Downs: Well, I like that!
- Admiral: Whether you like it or not, my dear, is quite immaterial.
- Sidney Fidler: [to Ida] Yes, all right, darling, I'll sort it out.
- Admiral: Cheeky little thing! I'd like to put her across my knee.
- Connie Philpotts: I'm sure you would, Admiral!
- Sidney Fidler: Connie, have you got a room for this young lady please?
- Connie Philpotts: Well, of course, Sidney!
- Connie Philpotts: [handing over the key] I think you'll find this an ideal one.
- Sidney Fidler: Thank you, Connie. Hey, just a minute, that's for the broom cupboard.
- Connie Philpotts: That's right: where we keep all the scrubbers!
- Sidney Fidler: [to a furious Hope] All right, all right, keep your hair on!
- Sidney Fidler: [handing her another key] Here, go and change in mine. I'll sort it out later.
- Hope Springs: Ta. I heard that - does she fancy you or something?
- Sidney Fidler: You know how it is, a widow with a place like this, things get on top of her.
- Hope Springs: Yeah, I bet they do. Frequently!
- Augusta Prodworthy: Is that you, Rosemary?
- Rosemary: Yes.
- Augusta Prodworthy: [in reference to the morning newspaper with a picture of Mayor Bumble on the front with his trousers down] Have you seen this?
- Rosemary: Yes - bloody disgrace! Still, what can you expect from a man?
- [at the railway station, Susan asks Peter where the train is going in a flirtatious manner]
- Susan Brooks: Are we all right for Fircombe?
- Peter Potter: [eyes glued on Susan] I'm sure you are!
- Paula Perkins: I'm beginning to see why you don't want me down there.
- Hope Springs: [approaching Sid in full motorcycling gear] Excuse me!
- Sidney Fidler: Not now, sonny. I'm busy.
- Hope Springs: Sonny! You want your eyes testing!
- [Hope unzips her jacket to reveal a well filled jumper]
- Sidney Fidler: Excuse me! I thought they always built the shock absorbers into the bikes.