- Tracy Partridge: ...It's not fair. I yelled dibbies on the bed.
- Laurie Partridge: Tracy has a point, Mom. Seems to me that we should all get a chance to vote. After all, this is a democracy.
- Shirley Renfrew Partridge: Well, I certainly don't want to be undemocratic. So, I vote for the bed; and since you two are too young to vote, I win.
- Danny: ...Don't you think one genius in the family is enough?
- Keith: Who might that be?
- Danny: Modesty prevents me from stating the obvious.
- Shirley Renfrew Partridge: Danny...!
- Danny: Well, at least I know my limitations. All I want to be is Howard Hughes.
- Keith: Then why don't you disappear?
- Danny: I refuse to get into a battle of wits with an unarmed man.
- Tracy Partridge: [referring to Danny] Where's the big typhoon?
- Laurie Partridge: You mean *tycoon*.
- Keith: A typhoon is a big wind.
- Tracy Partridge: I know what I said!
- Shirley Renfrew Partridge: Tracy, it's your turn to say grace.
- Tracy Partridge: Dear Lord, thank you for our food, and please get Keith a date.
- Danny: I've been a kid, and I've been an adult. And believe me, adultery isn't what it's cracked up to be.
- Danny: ...Keith, that's the meanest, rottenest and dirtiest trick anyone can play on his sister. No wonder you're my idol.
- Shirley Renfrew Partridge: ...Honey, I'm curious about something. It's purely hypothetical, of course. But suppose a boy were very interested in you when you weren't interested in him. How do you...
- Laurie Partridge: Get rid of Bernie?
- Shirley Renfrew Partridge: Well, it has been a while since I've done that kind of thing.
- Laurie Partridge: Well, you could start off by mentioning that you two have absolutely nothing in common.
- Shirley Renfrew Partridge: That's right. We don't.
- Laurie Partridge: Then you can tell him that you're a very independent woman. You know, a loner.
- Shirley Renfrew Partridge: A loner? With five kids?
- Laurie Partridge: Those are my two best ones, Mom.
- Laurie Partridge: ...You know, there's one good thing about being paranoid: You're always the center of attention.
- Danny: You can't blame me. I'm just a kid.
- Reuben Kincaid: No, you're not. You're a midget in a kid suit.
- Reuben Kincaid: Danny, if you'd like to go to the beach with me, I'll let you swim in the riptide.
- Danny: Riptides are dangerous.
- Reuben Kincaid: Aw, who told you that?
- Laurie Partridge: Keith, don't you ever knock before coming into a person's room?
- Keith: You're not a person, you're my sister.
- Shirley Renfrew Partridge: Kids your age tend to fall in love very easily, sometimes even give up other relationships for what they think is love. Now I know you think you're in love with Laurie, but love at your age can pass just as quickly as it came, and your relationship as brothers is too much to give up for what could be a passing crush. What I'm trying to say is: what you think now will last forever, probably won't; what you're *sacrificing* *will*... You have no idea what I'm trying to say, do you?
- Shirley Renfrew Partridge: There's no sense in waiting up. Laurie's in good hands.
- Danny: That's what I'm afraid of.
- Keith: ...I wouldn't worry about him. He's an archaeologist. He can always dig up a girl.
- Christopher "Chris" Partridge #2: C'mon, let's play a game, Mr. Kincaid.
- Tracy Partridge: Yeah, let's play a game.
- Reuben Kincaid: Okay, okay. Let's play a game called "Lost."
- Danny: How do you play?
- Reuben Kincaid: Well, I'll hide my eyes and you three kids run away from home - far and fast - and keep running until you're lost.
- Tracy Partridge: Then what?
- Reuben Kincaid: In three weeks, I'll come look for you. If I find you, I lose.
- Tracy Partridge: What if you *don't* find us?
- Reuben Kincaid: Well, then I win.
- Danny: ...A Partridge never forgets. I have a photographic mind.
- Laurie Partridge: Sure you do; unfortunately, you always forget to load the film in it.
- Christopher "Chris" Partridge #2: ...Here's my compass. It doesn't work, though. It always points in the same direction.
- Tracy Partridge: ...If six ducks are on a pond and three more ducks land on the pond, what would you have?
- Danny: Several hundred duck hunters.
- Reuben Kincaid: [to Shirley] ... There is a good side to Danny getting his tonsils taken out: He may not be able to talk for days.
- Danny: ...Chris, Tracy, you'll both understand when you're my age... although *I'm* my age and *I* don't understand.
- Shirley Renfrew Partridge: Tracy, don't put that drumstick up your nose!
- Tracy Partridge: Why not?
- Shirley Renfrew Partridge: You don't know where it's been!
- Danny: [Keith and Danny are waiting for Laurie to come home from a date with a minister. She enters the front door] Well?
- Laurie Partridge: Well, what?
- Keith: Tell us what a minister does on a date!
- Danny: I bet he took you to see the Ten Commandments.
- Keith: No. Too racy.
- Laurie Partridge: What makes you think we went to a movie?
- Keith: C'mon, fill us in on the details.
- Laurie Partridge: You really want to know where we went?
- Keith: Yeah.
- Laurie Partridge: Well, we couldn't decide on what movie to see, so... We went straight to Muldoon's Point.
- [she goes upstairs]
- Danny: I wonder how *he* explains lipstick on his collar?
- Shirley Renfrew Partridge: Danny, when will Keith be able to pay back the money he owes us?
- Danny: If I have it my way, he'll be able to pay in about a year.
- Keith: A year!
- Danny: If Keith has it his way, we'll have to wait for the reading of his will.
- Keith: [the Partridge Family bus detours through the woods en route to their next gig. Danny takes Chris and Tracy for a walk. Tracy and Chris return sans Danny; both are covered with mud, and beaming excitedly] What happened to you guys? You're a mess!
- Tracy Partridge: Danny found this great place to play!
- Shirley Renfrew Partridge: And he didn't come back with you two? Where *is* Danny?
- Danny: [off in the distance] HEEELP!
- [That "great place to play" turns out to be a pool of quicksand]
- Laurie Partridge: All you guys think we're interested in is being cheerleaders or homecoming queens. And then, if we're real lucky, we can all grow up to be Playboy bunnies.
- Reuben Kincaid: What do eleven-year-olds do on a date?
- Keith: I don't know. They can't neck, Danny doesn't have one.
- Reuben Kincaid: Wish I'd said that.
- Keith: Mmmm. Glad I did.
- Laurie Partridge: You know, it takes a warped mind to think of women as a hobby.
- Christopher "Chris" Partridge #2: I'd rather collect stamps.
- Reuben Kincaid: ...You can read about it when I write my memoirs, "The Thrilling Adventures of Reuben Kincaid"!
- Laurie Partridge: It'll be a thin book.
- Shirley Renfrew Partridge: Reuben, why is it you always manage to drop in when I bake an apple pie?
- Tracy Partridge: He gives me a dime to tell him.
- Reuben Kincaid: I hate to not-eat-and-run, but I gotta go.
- Shirley Renfrew Partridge: Whatever gave you the idea you could operate your own Lonely Hearts Club?
- Danny: I didn't think I was doing anything wrong. What you said is, "Reuben needs a wife."
- Reuben Kincaid: I need a *what*?
- Tracy Partridge: I told them to get you a goldfish, but they wouldn't listen.
- Laurie Partridge: When you're well-known, it's an opportunity to set a good example.
- Shirley Renfrew Partridge: In fact, it's an obligation.
- Laurie Partridge: ...Are you saying my friends are ding-a-lings?
- Keith: Not all of them. Only the ones I've met.
- Shirley Renfrew Partridge: Well, kids, how do you like performing in an amusement park?
- Danny: Great! But it would be *perfect* if cotton candy was deductible.
- Shirley Renfrew Partridge: I think it's wonderful the way this whole family pitches in to help.
- Keith: You know, Mom... If you weren't always busy cleaning the house, you wouldn't be so tired.