- [On a melting iceberg]
- Leslie: [measures the base] 37 inches to go.
- Fate: Oh, 37 inches to go. Huzzah! At the rate we've been melting, that's good for about one more week!
- Leslie: You'd better keep it to yourself.
- Fate: Oh, of course I'll keep it to myself.
- [Leslie walks away]
- Fate: [muttering] Until the water reaches my lower lip, and then I'm gonna mention it to SOMEBODY!
- Professor Fate: Are you sure you took care of everything?
- Max: Just keep your eye on car number 2.
- [car number 2 loses its steering wheel, and it spins through the crowd before crashing into a store]
- Max: Now, at approximately the 50-mile mark, car number 3, it loses its transmission.
- Professor Fate: Ha ha ha, transmission!
- [at the 50-mile mark, the transmission drops out of car number 3]
- Max: And in about five seconds, car number 4 bites the dust.
- Professor Fate: Perfect! Ha ha ha!
- [gears spring loose from all sides of car number 4, forcing it to a stop]
- Professor Fate: Genius, Max, positive genius! What's next?
- Max: Car number 5, the engine falls out!
- Professor Fate: Car number 5! Ha ha ha ha!
- [beat]
- Professor Fate: Er, Max... *we're* number five.
- [the engine falls out of car number 5]
- Professor Fate: Leslie escaped?
- General: With a small friar.
- Professor Fate: Leslie escaped with a chicken?
- Maggie DuBois: And because I consider myself sexually free and morally emancipated, I am still a responsible, discriminating woman who does not intend to jump into bed with the first wavy-haired, muscle-bound, egocentric male who thinks he can seduce me by agreeing with some of the things I believe in.
- Leslie: I only wanted to kiss you!
- Maggie DuBois: Why?
- Leslie: Because I love you, that's why!
- Maggie DuBois: Ha!
- Leslie: You don't believe me, huh?
- Maggie DuBois: I do not!
- [Leslie stops the car, inches from the finish line]
- Maggie DuBois: What are you doing?
- Leslie: Proving that I love you.
- Maggie DuBois: But you'll lose the race!
- Leslie: Can you think of a better way to prove it?
- [Leslie kisses Maggie]
- Professor Fate: [having beaten Leslie] I am king! I am the king!
- [sees Leslie and Maggie kissing]
- Professor Fate: No, I'm not!
- Max: What?
- Professor Fate: I didn't beat him, he let me win! I can't win this way! I can only win one way, MY way! He let me win!
- [angrily climbs on Leslie's car]
- Professor Fate: You cheated! Cheated! I hate you! I refuse to accept! I won't win any way but my way! You've ruined my reputation, do you hear? You I hate! You and your hair that's always combed, your suit that's always white, your car that's always clean! I refuse to accept! I challenge you to another race!
- [crowd cheers]
- Leslie: Get off my hood!
- Professor Fate: Another race!
- [On a melting iceberg]
- Max: We gotta do something.
- Professor Fate: Oh, don't worry. Before this iceberg melts and we drown like rats, we're going to do plenty.
- Max: Yeah? What?
- Professor Fate: We're gonna starve!
- Max: Red sky. Gonna be a storm.
- Professor Fate: What are you babbling about?
- Max: Red sky in the morning, sailor take warning.
- Professor Fate: Why, you simple-headed gherkin, do you know the chances of a storm in this part of the world at this time of the year?
- Max: No, what?
- Professor Fate: Hundred to one.
- [a great thunderclap; it begins to pour rain]
- Max: Red sky in the morning, sailor take warning!
- Professor Fate: Why you idiot!
- [the prince gets hit in the face with a pie]
- Prince Hapnick: [tastes pie] Brandy! Throw more brandy, throw brandy! More brandy! Brandy!
- [gets hit with another pie]
- Prince Hapnick: [tastes pie] Rum! I never mix my pies!
- Prince Hapnick: You! You're the cause of it all! It was your idea!
- General: No, no your highness... Baron von Schtupp...
- Prince Hapnik: I don't care, I don't care! You're banished. I'm getting a new tucker-inner! Banished, banished, banished!
- The Baron: As a very wise English gentleman once said, "He who fights and runs away may live to fight another day." So, until another day, Mr. Leslie. Please excuse me, I have a boat waiting.
- [leaps through a window and dives... and crashes into his boat]
- Leslie: It's just that you bear an uncanny resemblance to someone we both know.
- Prince Hapnick: Someone who looks like me?
- Leslie: Yes, sir.
- Prince Hapnick: [laughing, then comes silent pause] Poor fellow.
- Prince Hapnik: Course there is one good thing, when one was young, one could play along the corridors. I used to ride my pony up and down this corridor when I was young, then I grew up, got drunk, and fell off!
- Cowboy: He's lucky Texas Jack ain't around... he'd gun that dude for sure!
- Professor Fate: Pardon me, Mr. Pahd-nuh, who is this Texas Jack?
- Cowboy: WHO'S TEXAS JACK?
- Professor Fate: Who?
- Cowboy: The roughest, toughest gunslinger in these parts... Lilly's his girl!
- Professor Fate: Whoo, hoo, hoo... Lilly's his girl.
- Max: Terrific...
- Maggie DuBois: I want to thank you again for this opportunity, Mr. Goodbody.
- Henry Goodbody: I had very little choice after your conversation with my wife.
- Hester Goodbody: Henry, if you can't be more gracious, shut up!
- Professor Fate: What is the word for "friends"?
- Maggie DuBois: Professor...
- Professor Fate: Shut up!
- Max: I don't know the language.
- Professor Fate: Well, get the dictionary!
- Max: Dictionary. Right.
- [Max flips through the pages]
- Max: I got it, I got it.
- Professor Fate: What is it, what is it?
- Max: [frowns] I can't pronounce it.
- [Fate grabs the dictionary]
- Professor Fate: Very simple. Dru... Druz...
- Maggie DuBois: Druzya.
- Professor Fate: Druzya...
- [Fate and Max stare at Maggie]
- Maggie DuBois: I speak, read, and write French... Russian... and Arabic.
- [Fate's car is met by a group of austere villagers]
- Max: You give 'em beads, that makes 'em friendly.
- Professor Fate: Obviously, they don't know who I am.
- [Fate stands up]
- Professor Fate: I AM PROFESSOR FATE!
- [the crowd is silent. Fate slinks back into his seat]
- Max: Wanna try the beads?
- Max: [stumbling about in a blinding snowstorm] Professor, where are you?
- Professor Fate: Behind the rock!
- Max: Behind which rock?
- [trips over Professor Fate]
- Professor Fate: This rock, you idiot!
- Baron von Stuppe: Well, Mr. Leslie. I had expected to see you again, but, ah, not with a sword in your hand. Are you partial to the foil?
- Leslie: Not particularly. It happened to be convenient.
- Baron von Stuppe: I presume you know how to use one.
- Leslie: I hope that won't be necessary.
- Baron von Stuppe: I'm sure you do.
- Leslie: Will you release Ms. Dubois and the others?
- Baron von Stuppe: No...
- Leslie: I'm afraid this will be necessary.
- Baron von Stuppe: You're being very foolish, Mr. Leslie.
- Leslie: That's an assumption, Baron. You make me the victim even before we start!
- Baron von Stuppe: [shrugs] It's your life...
- Leslie: [gestures with sword] You're assuming again.
- General: When we get back to the palace, you must trim your mustache. You must look exactly like the prince. Can you laugh?
- Fate: What do you mean, can I laugh?
- General: Well, the prince has a very individual laugh.
- Fate: Like what?
- General: Uh... ah ha HA ha ha.
- [Fate tries to leave, but the General stops him and demonstrates again]
- General: Ah ha HA ha ha.
- Fate: HA HA HA HA HA.
- General: No, that's too much bass. The prince is more of a soprano.
- Leslie: I was once on an anthropological expedition to study the Kwakiutl Indians. In the winter, one Kwakiutl Indian in a blanket froze, but two Kwakiutl Indians in the same blanket...
- Maggie DuBois: Yes...?
- Leslie: ...Were warmer.
- [Leslie encounters Maggie stranded in the desert]
- Leslie: I'm offering you a lift.
- [Maggie ignores him]
- Leslie: Or would you prefer an engraved invitation?
- Maggie DuBois: I might consider an apology.
- Leslie: An apology? For what? It's twenty miles back to Borracho, you'd never make it.
- Maggie DuBois: Well, that's your fault.
- Leslie: MY fault?
- Professor Fate: Thieves, brigands and cut-throats of all nations may hound us... but we are ready for them... we shall blast them into Kingdom Come.
- Professor Fate: [inside Leslie's car with Max] My apologies, there's a polar bear in our car.
- Leslie: If you don't leave this car immediately, I shall personally feed you to the bear!
- Leslie: [to Maggie] You talk a good fight, but when it comes down to it, you're as emancipated as a confirmed spinster in a knitting bee.
- Professor Fate: [inside Professor Fate's mansion garage - stirring music] It's ready.
- Max: Yes, yes it's ready.
- Professor Fate: There has never been anything like this.
- Max: Professor. Your greatest creation.
- Professor Fate: GENIUS! Work of genius. The finest parts from the greatest automobiles in the world. The 'Hannibal Twin Eight'. Ha-ha. And when it comes to the blizzards and the snow storms we will continue on just as planned. Push the button Max!
- Max: [gets in car and pushes button - soon front mounted red cone starts humming and glowing]
- Professor Fate: [maniacal laughter, touches cone] Yeaa! When the rains come and the snow melts we will continue to raise above it.
- [enters car]
- Professor Fate: Push the button Max!
- Max: [pushes button and car body starts to rise]
- Professor Fate: [lots more maniacal laughter] Ah, nature will chase us, we will beat her and the brigands, thieves, cutthroats of all nations may hound us, but, we are ready for them
- [cannon appears]
- Professor Fate: We will blast them to kingdom come.
- Professor Fate, Max: [maniacal laughter]
- Professor Fate: We can mount! We can blast! We can rise above! We are invincible!
- [maniacal laughter]
- Professor Fate: Take us down.
- [maniacal laughter]
- Professor Fate: Eh, push the button Max.
- Max: [with a great flourish pushes button - the cannon fires bringing down the garage]
- Professor Fate: [scream of rage] Maaaaaaaaaaax!
- Leslie: It's been my experience, General, that there is little advantage to winning if one wins too easily.
- Prince Hapnik: Rah! Oh oh, rah! Oh rah! Oh rah ah ah! What do you think of that, General?
- General: An admirable point of view, for anyone but a soldier. In my profession, to win is imperative. To win easily is a blessing.
- [first lines]
- Master of Ceremonies: [addressing the crowd] Ladies and gentlemen, you are about to witness the most spectacular feat ever attempted by the greatest daredevil in the world: The Great Leslie!
- [the crowd cheers]
- Master of Ceremonies: He will be strapped in a straightjacket before your very eyes and lifted up into the clouds where eagles soar and no sparrow dares to venture!
- [the crowd murmurs]