- Marcia Miller - Receptionist: Can I help you, sir?
- Joe Harris: I'm Joe Harris. I work here.
- Marcia Miller - Receptionist: Excuse me, Mr. Harris. I just started here this morning. I have to start getting to know who is the talent on the stage.
- Joe Harris: [looks her over] I'd enjoy that.
- Joe Harris: [walking past a standing young woman in the office who is leaning across a desk] Hi ya, sexy.
- [spanks her behind]
- [first lines]
- Joe Harris: It all started on a Tuesday. It was a Tuesday like any other Tuesday. I had a hangover. I had about four hours sleep and my mouth tasted like - you know how my mouth tasted. All of this was normal, except the weather. Some days it rained. But, the mouth was the same. So was the four hours sleep. So was the hangover.
- Sid Moore: I brought him down to New York. I shoved him down their throats. I wet nursed him. I bottle fed him. I created him. Out of a two-bit station in Worcester, Mass. I created him!
- Joe Harris: Did you ever run into Fuller?
- Ginny: Once. I was drafted out of the typist pool one day when Smitty was sick.
- Joe Harris: And?
- Ginny: Do you want to see my Purple Heart?
- Joe Harris: The best offer I've had today. What happened?
- Ginny: He made a pass at me. A sort of reflex-action type pass. I disappeared back into the typist pool while I was still considering it.
- Joe Harris: He was the common man amplified. If you're a skinny little runt, you can't kid yourself into thinking that you look like Tony Curtis and you know that Jane Russell wouldn't give you a second look. But, with Herb Fuller it was different. He was just like you, so, you could identify yourself with him. He was everybody's husband or brother who once in awhile tells an off-color story or gets a little loaded at a party and puts a lampshade on his head.
- Sid Moore: Why do you think I had you take that tape recorder and microphone along?
- Joe Harris: To record the sound of the splash as you siphoned out the last drop of the great man's blood.
- Joe Harris: How'd you get mixed up with Fuller in the first place?
- Nick Cellantano: Law of supply and demand. I needed a job. He needed a press agent.
- Joe Harris: Did you like him?
- Nick Cellantano: He was "the great man" wasn't he?
- Joe Harris: Didn't you like him?
- Nick Cellantano: Well, that wasn't what I was hired for. I just worked for him. A 150 million people liked him. One word from him, they'd change their toothpaste, their cigarettes, their shirts. Maybe even their politics.
- Sid Moore: They're will probably be some newspaper reporters at the airport. Now, you keep your trap shut. Put a solemn look on your kisser. And curb your natural instinct to smile in their lenses.
- Joe Harris: We came to bury Caesar, not to laugh at him.
- Joe Harris: I still haven't come up with an idea for a finish. I need something with impact and substance.
- Ginny: Well, maybe you could have him declare war or invent a vaccine or discover Mother's Day.
- Carol Larson: We went to his place after. Oh, I figured I could handle him. After all, I was a veteran with the high school football team. If I could handle them, I could handle him.
- Joe Harris: And?
- Carol Larson: I couldn't. Ever. Not then, never!
- Carol Larson: Do you like it plain or with soda or with water?
- Joe Harris: It doesn't matter.
- Carol Larson: Well, now, that's were you make a mistake. You should stick with scotch and soda.
- Joe Harris: Why?
- Carol Larson: Well, did you ever hear of an alcoholic who drinks scotch and soda? It's a civilized drink. Somebody who goes for straight whiskey and right away you figure they're bucking for AA. It doesn't matter how much scotch and soda you drink. Nobody thinks you're an alcoholic.
- Carol Larson: People that know me say I'm a very quiet, shy, reserved girl when I'm sober. Or, don't you like quiet, shy reserved girls, Mr. Harris?
- Joe Harris: You think of yourself as a pretty tough little broad, don't you?
- Carol Larson: Oh, I am a pretty tough little broad. You can kiss me now, if you want to.
- [kiss]
- Joe Harris: Thank you.
- Carol Larson: Okay?
- Joe Harris: Okay!
- Carol Larson: Just window shopping?
- Joe Harris: Just window shopping.
- Carol Larson: Take a good look at me. Nice hair, regular features, good teeth, good body, right now you wouldn't exactly find it a chore to make love to me, would you?
- Joe Harris: I wouldn't find it a chore at all.
- Mary Browne: My mother and father thought he was wonderful. I guess you could say they were fans of his. I mean, he was okay, but, we weren't what you could call fans of his. Not like, for instance, like you'd be a fan for a singer like Eddie Fisher or Frank Sinatra or somebody like that. I mean, we didn't dislike him or anything. But, it's like we couldn't be fans like, well, somebody like that, you know, a middle aged man.
- Eddie Brand: Herb took a lot from that broad. Why he didn't haul off and paste her one, now and then, I'll never know.
- Carol Larson: One night I went to the Music Hall for the nine o'clock show. When I got back, around midnight, he was waiting for me. Sore as a boil. "Don't forget," he said, "you belong to me - any time I want you. And when I want you, I want you *here*, waiting for me. Don't forget." And then he socked me. Split my lip.
- Carol Larson: You know, the one thing I could never figure out about Fuller was this: he liked 'em young and fresh and unspoiled and then when he made 'em different, he didn't want 'em anymore. He had to go out and find some new fresh ones. And he couldn't let the old ones go.
- Sid Moore: Look, honey, I'd take you out myself; but, Joe and I have a little skull session here where we got to work out the signals. I tell you what you do, you put that cab fare on the petty cash book in the office tomorrow morning, okay?
- Marcia Miller - Receptionist: Eh-huh.
- Sid Moore: Bye, honey.
- [Marcia leaves Sid's apartment]
- Joe Harris: I'm beginning to understand the fast turnover in receptionists
- Joe Harris: Well, I better shove off. I brush my hair, shave my face, put on a clean shirt, and go to the Principal's office - like a good boy.
- Sid Moore: What happened to Fuller? I located him in a hoosegow. I got there and he got mixed up with some dame and this kid was in the black market right up to her second teeth. And when they raided her joint, Fuller was in a jam. But, old fireman Sid Moore got him out of it.