- Bernard 'Barney' Dexter: [Referring to his wife] Mrs. Dexter's a wonderful woman, but... uh...
- Jane Norton: You mean it gets to be sort of a... routine?
- Bernard 'Barney' Dexter: Hmmm, possibly. After a while a wife gets to be sort of a solved crossword puzzle.
- Bernard 'Barney' Dexter: I'd like you to think of me as a sort of an... an ineligible eligible bachelor.
- Bernard 'Barney' Dexter: Your mouth is very pretty when you say no. Have you heard that before?
- Jane Norton: Yes.
- Jane Norton: Say, what kind of a person is she?
- Miss Applegate: Oh, she's sort of a combination of Sherlock Holmes and the day of reckoning.
- Bernard 'Barney' Dexter: I always had trouble with those two words - should and shouldn't. So, I just dropped them from my vocabulary.
- Jane Norton: [as Jane Blake] Good morning! Oh, I just saw Mrs. Dexter
- Bernard 'Barney' Dexter: Oh, did you? Did she see you?
- Jane Norton: No.
- Bernard 'Barney' Dexter: You get a bonus.
- Bernard 'Barney' Dexter: [Dictating to Jane with gibberish] Gentlemen, If we want to take the compaction and stataification of the configuration in confirmation to the angiography, it would represent a super structure with splanchforgustic meltadonographicism. Consequently, I will be unable to indulge in these archolinear gradiscopics inasmuch as I am taking Miss Blake to dinner this evening. What do you say?
- Jane Norton: Say, who was that?
- Miss Applegate: That? Oh, that's Mrs. Dexter.
- Jane Norton: Oh.
- Miss Applegate: Yeah, she pops in every now and then to see if Barney boy is working on buildings or build-ups.
- Jane Norton: [Finding a heel from Kitty's shoe on the floor after she had whacked Ken on the head] Oh, look. Kitty's heel.
- Ken Norton: She certainly is.
- Ken Norton: Listen, if I have to stay in the doghouse much longer, I'll be barking. Well, aren't you gonna laugh?
- Jane Norton: Well, aren't you gonna bark?
- Blanche: Well, that's marriage. If you're happy, there's nothing better. If you're unhappy, there's nothing worse.
- Miss Applegate: You know, Mr. Dexter has a mind of his own. He's a genius. Everybody says so, including Mr. Dexter.
- Jane Norton: [as Jane Blake] I think I'd better get this correspondence out, don't you?
- Bernard 'Barney' Dexter: Oh, you can make up the rest of that any time. He doesn't know what he wants anyway.
- Miss Applegate: Well, are you in or out?
- Jane Norton: [as Jane Blake] I... don't know.
- Jane Norton: Did he ask you if you play backgammon?
- Miss Applegate: Yes.
- Jane Norton: [Slapping her hand on her desk] You're in!
- Jane Norton: Say, are you still on speaking terms with you last husband?
- Blanche: Crawford? Oh, sure. I never let a divorce break up a friendship.
- Jane Norton: Oh, huh, I forgot to thank you for these orchids, Barney - they're lovely.
- Bernard 'Barney' Dexter: Oh, I saw them in the florist's window and I said, they should see Jane.
- Jane Norton: You put things in the nicest way.
- Bernard 'Barney' Dexter: I mean it.
- Ken Norton: [On the phone with his secretary who hasn't come to work yet] Now look, Kitty, I've got letters to dictate. There's mail to get out. Miss Briggs can't do all the work around this office alone, you know. Yeah... . Yeah. I know you've got a hangover, but it's 12:30. Am I the boss? Uh, or, am I? Well, could you come in by two o'clock, if that's not too much trouble.
- Jane Norton: [Helping Kitty make up the sofa for Ken to sleep on] I wonder if Ken snores.
- Kitty: Believe it or not, I wouldn't know. Ah, I've been out with him a few times, but I think he's in love with his wife.
- Jane Norton: Well, then, why does he go out with you?
- Kitty: Eh, that's natural with men, I guess. Makes them feel like they did when they were little boys and stole apples.
- Miss Applegate: She asked me about you.
- Jane Norton: Oh, she did. What did you tell her?
- Miss Applegate: Oh, that you were a nice girl, kind of ordinary looking, but efficient - like me. That'll probably hold her for a couple of weeks.
- Jane Norton: Blanche, there's a little of the wandering minstrel in every man, and if you don't hold his interest, he's bound to go whistling under other people's balconies.
- Blanche: Well, I must say, it only took you three weeks to find that out. It took me three husbands.
- Bernard 'Barney' Dexter: After a while, a wife gets to be a sort of a solved crossword puzzle.
- Jane Norton: [as Jane Blake] Oh, she does?
- Bernard 'Barney' Dexter: Mmm, yes. A man likes to be intrigued, likes to fence with someone, someone who's liable to say no.
- Bernard 'Barney' Dexter: [Interviewing Jane] How long were you at school?
- Jane Norton: [Incognito, as Jane Blake] Well, I graduated.
- Bernard 'Barney' Dexter: Ah, well that, that's different. How's your typing?
- Jane Norton: Rapid.
- Bernard 'Barney' Dexter: And your shorthand?
- Jane Norton: About 90 words a minute. Would you care to test me?
- Bernard 'Barney' Dexter: No. No, that won't be necessary.
- [Eying her legs]
- Jane Norton: I've had some training with files too.
- Bernard 'Barney' Dexter: [Interviewing Jane] Do you play backgammon?
- Jane Norton: [Incognito, as Jane Bake] Huh?
- Bernard 'Barney' Dexter: Backgammon. Backgammon.
- Jane Norton: Oh, uh, yes. Yes.
- Bernard 'Barney' Dexter: Everybody should pay backgammon. That'll be all, Miss Blake.
- Bernard 'Barney' Dexter: Did you know that the Persian warriors always played backgammon after a hard day on the battlefield?
- Bernard 'Barney' Dexter: Didn't I tell you she'd bowl you over. I want you to meet the most beautiful, the most charming, the most delightful secretary in the world - Miss Jane Blake.
- Ken Norton: Yyyourr, his secretary?
- Ken Norton: Uh, well, Barney old boy, are you ready to sign the contract.
- Bernard 'Barney' Dexter: Huh, oh, yes, yes, of course.
- Ken Norton: Good, good, then it's a deal. There we are.
- Bernard 'Barney' Dexter: [Barney looks at the contract before signing, and responds in a love voice just to Ken] These figures are 20 percent higher than Malory's new bid.
- Ken Norton: [In a low voice] It's all right, I'm your pal.
- Ken Norton: Miss Frazer, please remember that. Unamic roofing throughout, type 3X-B2, coarse texture.
- [Looking at Jane then Kitty]
- Ken Norton: I'd be completely lost without my office help.
- Kitty: Uh, huh, you'd be lost if you keep that up, Mr. Norton.
- [Looking at Barney]
- Kitty: This is supposed to be a party.
- Kitty: Well, I like that. Ken, aren't you going to stick up for me? Hmmm?
- Ken Norton: Uh, uh, I, I, I want you to meet the, uh, second most...
- Kitty: Well! That's a fine thing.
- Ken Norton: No, no, I mean the most competent, the most beautiful...
- Bernard 'Barney' Dexter: The two most charming, most beautiful secretaries in the world.
- Ken Norton: That's right. The two most,,, this is Miss Frazier.
- Jane Norton: Well, I really can't see why you want to take me out to dinner. She's very, very pretty. Or, haven't you noticed?
- Bernard 'Barney' Dexter: I have had 954 dinners with here already. Mrs. Dexter's a wonderful woman, but...
- [Interruption]
- Jane Norton: And this young lady here is my husband's confidential secretary.
- Mrs. Dexter: Is your husband in the habit of taking his secretary out to dinner parties?
- Jane Norton: Oh, yes, he does it quite often, don't you dear?
- Ken Norton: Eh, we, oh yes. Yes, yes, I take her out most every place I go.
- Bernard 'Barney' Dexter: [as the foursome arrive at his penthouse] Really, Ken, you look awfully tired - and pale too. You shouldn't force yourself to carry on just to be a good sport. We'll understand if ..
- Ken Norton: Oh, no, I'm enjoying every minute of it. Barney: Well, shall we go inside?
- Bernard 'Barney' Dexter: Well, shall we go inside?
- Ken Norton: Kitty's just an old slice of watermelon. Now, how could anybody be jealous of an old slice of watermelon?
- Jane Norton: Oh, it's 9:30. Say, has the boss been yelling for me?
- Miss Applegate: He wouldn't yell for you, darling, he'd coo. You got Barney boy all a fluttered. You know, I think he's a little afraid of you.
- Jane Norton: Is Ken married?
- Bernard 'Barney' Dexter: Yes, but I gather his wife is no ray of sunshine, eh Ken?
- [They all laugh but Ken]
- Ken Norton: No, no, I didn't say that.
- Bernard 'Barney' Dexter: He was telling me the other day that she's the quiet, mousey type.
- [laughter]
- Ken Norton: No, Barney, I didn't say that. You know, under the thumb.
- Jane Norton: [rapidly changing from her work dress to her housecoat] This "quick-change" dresses is getting me down. I don't know how actresses do it.
- Melbourne: They usually takes to drink.
- Jane Norton: Dexter? Say, isn't he the fellow who designed that earthquake-proof house that collapsed when a truck went by?
- Ken Norton: No, that was some nut in California.