- Aloysius T. McKeever: And I would like to feel that you're all my friends. For to be without friends is a serious form of poverty.
- Michael J. 'Mike' O'Connor: [Last Lines] Mary.
- Mary O'Connor: Yes, Mike?
- Michael J. 'Mike' O'Connor: Remind me to nail up the board in the back fence. He's coming through the front door next winter.
- Detective: Anybody in that house?
- Brady - Gates Patrolman: Who are you?
- Detective: I am looking for a girl - Michael O'Connor's daughter.
- Gates Patrolman Cecil Felton: She ain't in there. That joint's as empty as a sewing basket in a nudist camp.
- Michael J. 'Mike' O'Connor: You know, Mary...
- Mary O'Connor: Yes, Mike?
- Michael J. 'Mike' O'Connor: There are richer men than I.
- Michael J. 'Mike' O'Connor: You've taken on a little weight since I last saw you, in the wrong places.
- Mary O'Connor: It's the clothes, and you're no Van Johnson yourself. I can remember when you only had one chin.
- Michael J. 'Mike' O'Connor: [to Trudy] Well, pay him the money. Let's get... Wait a minute, wait a minute. How much will you allow me for these?
- Finkelhoff - the Tailor: Well, $6.
- Michael J. 'Mike' O'Connor: Six dollars for a brand-new tailor-made outfit?
- Finkelhoff - the Tailor: Your suit is all wool.
- Michael J. 'Mike' O'Connor: Why, certainly, it's all wool.
- Finkelhoff - the Tailor: Oh... That's bad.
- Michael J. 'Mike' O'Connor: Wool is bad?
- Finkelhoff - the Tailor: Look, when the moths are learning I got here an all-wool suit... one moth tells the other. They're coming for a banquet. They're bringing their friends. Pretty soon, I got here a moth convention. A spray gun I gotta buy, insecticide I gotta buy... all night long, I am staying and spraying. I'm not coming home. My wife is getting mad. She's leaving for Reno. She's getting a divorce. What am I getting? Custody of the moths. Alimony I am paying. Payments I'm missing. To jail I'm going. My business I'm losing. I'm a bum. All because you are bringing in here an all-wool suit.
- Michael J. 'Mike' O'Connor: [to Trudy] Pay him quick before he names me correspondent.
- Trudy O'Connor: Tell me. What made him propose?
- Margie Temple: Well, it happened at the movies. Gregory Peck and this blonde were getting married. So I said to Whitey, I said, "Gee, I sure wish that was us." And Whitey said, "Uh-huh." And then I said, "Ain't marriage wonderful?" And Whitey said, "Uh-huh." And then I said, "Why don't we get married?" And Whitey said, "Uh-huh." And, oh, after all, how can you say no to a guy who coaxes you like that.
- [Both laugh]
- Aloysius T. McKeever: Where do you live?
- Trudy O'Connor: In Dubuque, with my thirteen brothers and sisters.
- Jim Bullock: Well, the neighbors must call your house the Stork Club.
- Aloysius T. McKeever: That proves what I've always believed. Indigestion is caused by unhappiness. If you don't like the things the world makes you do, you're not hungry.
- Jim Bullock: Sure, you've gotta wear a mink coat when you work in a music shop. They play those Frank Sinatra records. Chills run up and down your spine. It gets cold. You have to wear a mink coat.
- Trudy O'Connor: I can't go back to him.
- Jim Bullock: You're married?
- Trudy O'Connor: It's my father. He's a drunkard, he's lazy and he beats us.
- Jim Bullock: Beats all fourteen of you?
- Trudy O'Connor: Every night.
- Jim Bullock: Your old man's not lazy.
- Hank: What have you got against children?
- Apartment Manager: It's a rule of the house.
- Jim Bullock: Naturally, you can't break the rule. If he lets your kids in, everybody'd start having children. Then what would happen to the human race?
- Gates Patrolman Cecil Felton: Well, I'll be a monkey's orphan.
- Aloysius T. McKeever: Oh come, sir. Your family connections must be better than that.
- Gates Patrolman Cecil Felton: Moitle's a great little woman. We've been married twenty-two years. She ain't never laid a fist on me except in a self defense.
- Farrow: Mr. O'Connor, what were you doing in that closet?
- Michael J. 'Mike' O'Connor: I like it in there. There's nothing so restful as a nice, dark, stuffy closet.
- Jim Bullock: I captured these handcuffs from a Japanese MP. Little did I know that this souvenir of war would become the instrument of resisting tyranny.
- Aloysius T. McKeever: The essence of big business, gentlemen, is never put one worry ahead of another.
- Mary O'Connor: What does your father think of him?
- Trudy O'Connor: Dad's going to have him arrested.
- Mary O'Connor: Well, whatever for? Loving you?
- Trudy O'Connor: No, for trespassing.
- Mary O'Connor: Well, that's the same thing, isn't it? To your father.
- Jackie Temple: [walks into O'Connor's bedroom] Can I get in bed with you?
- Michael J. 'Mike' O'Connor: No! Go get in bed with your father.
- Jackie Temple: I can't.
- Michael J. 'Mike' O'Connor: Why not?
- Jackie Temple: 'Cause he's in bed with my mother.
- Aloysius T. McKeever: Not in my twenty years of living as a guest in other people's homes have I ever been faced with a situation like this.
- Aloysius T. McKeever: Oh, Mike. I'm sorry to interrupt your negotiations. I know you have millions and millions of dollars hanging in the balance. But, Mike, you didn't make your bed this morning.
- Michael J. 'Mike' O'Connor: I want them to disregard the idea and offer him a job. Yes, yes... I don't care if it's teaching Eskimos the Boogie Woogie or milking whales in Patagonia, only it must be out of the country.
- Aloysius T. McKeever: Well, I believe that people who require money should work for it. As for myself, I gave up working years ago. I never could make enough to satisfy my lavish tastes. So, I let other people work for it, and I enjoy it.
- Aloysius T. McKeever: You'll find plenty of vacancies if you boys just use your heads. That came out sounding a little different from the way I meant it.
- Jim Bullock: Why don't you keep him on a leash?
- Aloysius T. McKeever: Well, he's not afraid I'll run away, are you Sam?
- Brady - Gates Patrolman: How'd you like to live in a joint like this?
- Gates Patrolman Cecil Felton: What? And have room for the rest of my wife's relations? Oh!
- Michael J. 'Mike' O'Connor: What kind of a man is he? The chicken-hearted blaggard. I'll kill him. I'll kill him with my bare hands. The rat in mouse's clothing.