- Barbara Hemingway: I don't care what either of you say. I'm free, white, and 21. I love to dance and I'm going to dance.
- Laura - Matilda's Maid: [as everyone is suggesting cures for Uncle Ezra's hiccups] Well maybe if the gentleman would hold his head upside-down in a bucket of water.
- Mathilda: Your fired. Go pack your things.
- Laura - Matilda's Maid: Oh, very well, ma'am. And I hope the old buzzard hiccups himself into spasms.
- Horace P. Hemingway: [Finding Mabel in his train compartment] Y-You get out of here!
- Mabel: Why? I don't snore.
- Horace P. Hemingway: S-S-Snore?
- [He hurries out of the compartment. Mabel settles back into the bed]
- Ezra Ounce: Are you a moral man, Mr. Hemingway?
- Horace P. Hemingway: Well, I like to think so.
- Ezra Ounce: Well, don't you know?
- Horace P. Hemingway: Oh, yes, yes, I'm a moral man.
- Horace P. Hemingway: Mathilda and Barbara send their love to you.
- Ezra Ounce: Barbara sends her love to me?
- Horace P. Hemingway: Yes, Ezra.
- Ezra Ounce: Why should she send her love to me? She's never seen me.
- Horace P. Hemingway: Well, she's seen your picture.
- Ezra Ounce: Well, then, maybe she's sending her love to my picture.
- Ezra Ounce: He told me the tire would run 10,000 miles. What happened? It only ran 9,998 miles. It's dishonest! False representation, that's what it is. I don't want a new tire. Sounds eccentric but I can afford to be eccentric. I've got $35 million. You haven't got $35 million. You can't afford to be eccentric. What are you shaking your head for?
- Horace P. Hemingway: Because, I can't afford to be eccentric, Ezra
- Ezra Ounce: That's what I said.
- Horace P. Hemingway: Well, that's what I mean.
- Ezra Ounce: Well, why didn't you say so?
- Barbara Hemingway: It doesn't seem right, our loving each other like we do, being related and everything.
- Jimmy Higgens: Related? We're thirteenth cousins.
- Barbara Hemingway: Thirteenth?
- Jimmy Higgens: Thirteenth.
- Barbara Hemingway: Say, is that bad luck?
- Ezra Ounce: If I find your moral life is nothing more than a snare and a delusion, I'll cut you off like a ripe banana.
- Laura - Matilda's Maid: I never saw such nerve.
- Mathilda: Laura, who was at the door?
- Laura - Matilda's Maid: One of them fresh insurance fellas, ma'am.
- Jimmy Higgens: I've got a musical show that's a honey. It's called "Sweet and Hot".
- Ezra Ounce: Get out.
- Jimmy Higgens: I got the show, you the dough.
- Ezra Ounce: Get out!
- Jimmy Higgens: Now wait a minute. You don't know me, I don't know you. You don't like me, I don't like you. But, this is strictly a business proposition - and you stand to make at least $25,000.
- Ezra Ounce: I shall take a second 10 million to form the O.F. for the E. of A.M.
- Horace P. Hemingway: The what?
- Ezra Ounce: The Ounce Foundation for the Elevation of American Morals.
- Horace P. Hemingway: You can elevate a lot of morals for $10 million, Ezra.
- Jimmy Higgens: Sweetheart, we've got a million dollars right here if I can get someone to back me. Just listen to this. This is how I feel about you.
- [singing]
- Jimmy Higgens: My love must be a kind of blind love, I can't see anyone but you, And, dear, I wonder if you find love, An optical illusion too, Are the stars out tonight? I don't know if it's cloudy or bright, 'Cause I only have eyes, For you...
- Mabel: You four-flushing chiseler! This guy sends me out in a turkey show that folds up like an old accordion. He leaves me holding the bag, stranded, broke in Troy. Have you ever been stranded in Troy?
- Mabel: The show's on and I'm in. All you've got to do is get me a personal, private interview with Horace P. Hemingway.
- Jimmy Higgens: Is that all you need?
- Mabel: I'll walk out of there with enough money to finance "Ben-Hur" with solid-gold horses.
- Jimmy Higgens: Let's shake on it.
- Mabel: I'll raise you one. We'll kiss on it!
- Mabel: You're not related to Horace P. Hemingway?
- Barbara Hemingway: He's my father.
- Mabel: The sausage casing Hemingways?
- Barbara Hemingway: Yes, why?
- Mabel: Oh, nothing. Nothing at all. I just seemed to see a meal ticket coming over the horizon.
- Horace P. Hemingway: Oh, you dreadful woman! How did you get in my room?
- Mabel: Hello, Horace.
- Horace P. Hemingway: You - you - you can't smoke in here.
- Mabel: I am smoking.
- Mabel: Look, honey. We've played this scene before on the train. We both know exactly how it goes. Now please don't waste any time. Give.
- Ezra Ounce: We all know what a task lies before us. You know what a task lies before you. You know, you know, and - you know.
- Mabel: I'll tell him about our purple night. That we were train roommates. I'll show him your card.
- Horace P. Hemingway: How - how much did you say you'd take?
- Mabel: Twenty-five thousand.
- Horace P. Hemingway: You said twenty the first time.
- Mabel: Why didn't you pay me the first time?
- Horace P. Hemingway: That's the bathroom.
- Mathilda: What do you suppose I thought it was? The Bank of England?
- Horace P. Hemingway: What are you going to do?
- Mabel: What are you going to do, Horace?
- Horace P. Hemingway: Don't! Don't call me by my first name.
- Mabel: Okay, P. P's your second name, isn't it?
- Horace P. Hemingway: P stands for Peter.
- Mabel: All right, Pete.
- Horace P. Hemingway: I mean it. This is serious!
- Jimmy Higgens: So what? You're serious and I'm going daffy.
- Ezra Ounce: Bulger? Are your loins girded for the battle?
- Bulger - Ounce's Bodyguard: The loins is ready to roar.
- [everyone has been hitting the Dr. Silver's Golden Elixir]
- Ezra Ounce: Very beautiful.
- Mathilda: Very, very beautiful.
- Horace P. Hemingway: Oh, very, very, *very* beautiful.