In December 2014 ... when James Joseph Harbaugh (AKA Jarbaugh) "assumed the position" ... he told us "this is Michigan, there are no "turnarounds" at Michigan, there is greatness, a long tradition of it!" That was kinda weird since the team had gone 46 - 42 over the last 7 years but whatever.
Whatever was right because the minions went giddy!!! The "Corn & Blue" Kool-aide flowed endlessly!!! The prodigal son has returned ... the quintessential "Michigan Man" ... who surely produces Golden Easter Eggs from his "nether regions" ... will lead us to the Promised Land! Confidently they made "Harbs" the highest paid coach in all of football and then went over to Wall-Mart to celebrate (cha-ching). These were indeed the greatest of times in that cozy little hamlet of Ann Arbor.
But two and a half years and $27 million later things were not as pleasing in the village. Jarbaugh was 20 & 6 during his tenure ... a mortal 77% winning record ... and most importantly 1 & 3 against his rivals ... the Mighty Spartans and Merciless Buckeyes. Rumors even circulated that corrosion was found on the Golden Easter Eggs but that was never confirmed.
But Jarbaugh had a plan! In the summer of 2017 ... before camp ... he would go the head of the Holy Roman Catholic Church ... the Pope himself ... and present "His Eminence" with an authentic Michigan Wolverine football helmet made by Riddell. Surely that would make things right in the land of the Wall-mart Wolvies! It was a bold and arrogant plan!
Alas Jarbaugh had made a horrendous assumption ... he presumed that the Pope not only liked American football but Michigan football in particular. Stupid Jarbaugh!!! The guy is from South American, nobody in South American likes American football!
It's since been confirmed that the helmet was sold on Ebay for $39.99 ... Buy It Now ... just three days later! Jarbaugh never learned of this "Papal Smack Down" and broke camp in the fall of 2017 adopting the "All or Nothing" mantra.
Clearly the Pope has a sense of humor as Michigan won their first four games of the season and was ranked #7 when they hosted unranked Michigan State. Surely Jarabaugh's time had come to deliver on that $27 million cash cow. The minions held their Golden Easter Eggs to the heavens! But fate is a fickle mistress and she controls the storm clouds, and once again "Little Brother" had "Big Sister" right where they wanted and handed the "Arrogant Ones" a 10 to 14 loss! Wow, considering "Little Brother" has beat "Big Sister" 8 of the last 10 games you can imagine that the "Big House" had once again become the world's largest vomitorum!
Jarabaugh had once again been exposed and the rains kept coming as Michigan went on to lose to Penn State and Wisconsin and once again to those "Nasty Buckeyes" in that fall of 2017 ... leaving Jarabaugh with no conference titles in three years and a stunning record of 1 & 5 against his rivals! Obviously the golden Easter Eggs had become corroded copper pennies!
But wait there's more! The Big Ten would send 8 teams to bowl games that holiday season, and the 8 & 4 Wolverettes ... because of their "brand" ... were slotted into a New Year's Day appearance against an unranked South Carolina team. Talk about a layup ... yet once again the Pope had the last laugh as the feisty Gamecocks took the "Arrogant Ashes" behind the woodshed for some old school dis'plin!
The Big Ten went 7 & 1 in bowl games that year ... a feat that has never been done before. But that long tradition of "greatness" that Jarbaugh talked about in December of 2014 ... it was nowhere to be found looked! Pride does indeed come before the fall.
So ya, sign me up for 353 minutes of Jarabaugh in his 3rd glorious season (61.5% winning record). Sign me up for 10 episodes of the "Quintessential Michigan Man" showing the world he is the most over paid coach in all of college sports!!! Let's hope those scenes with the Pope and John O'Korn made the cut. GO GREEN ... GO BUCKS!
