- Lumalee: Ooh, fresh meat for the grinder!
- Cranky Kong: Who's this ray of sunshine?
- Lumalee: There's no sunshine. Only darkness.
- Penguin King: SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!
- Donkey Kong: [after Bowser shrunk] Ha! He got the Blue Mushroom!
- Mario: [to Princess Peach] See? Told you I'd get you a pet turtle.
- Princess Peach: [Giggles] Not bad, mustache.
- [turns to Luigi]
- Princess Peach: And Luigi, you're so brave.
- Luigi: Oh, uh, thanks. Yeah, it's kinda my thing.
- Bowser: [singing] Peach. You're so cool. And with my star, we're gonna rule. Peach. Understand. I'm gonna love you till the very end! Peaches, Peaches, Peaches, Peaches, Peaches. Peaches, Peaches, Peaches, Peaches, Peaches. I love you! Oh!
- Bowser: What is your name?
- Luigi: Uh, Luigi.
- Bowser: Not sure if you know who I am, but I'm about to marry a princess and rule the world.
- Luigi: [Chuckles nervously] Wow, uh... yay.
- Bowser: But, there's one problem, Luigi. There's a human traveling with my fiancée, has a mustache, just like you. Do you know him?
- Luigi: No. No!
- Bowser: Ah, a tough one, I see. Maybe this will get you to talk.
- [begins to grab a piece of his mustache]
- Luigi: You think I know every human being with a mustache wearing an identical outfit with a hat with the letter of his first name on it? Because, I don't.
- [Bowser plucks a piece of Luigi's mustache off and he screams]
- Bowser: [Grabs Luigi and his mustache, yelling] DO YOU KNOW HIM?
- Luigi: Stop! Stop, stop, stop! Yes, I know him! I know him! He's my brother, Mario, and he's the best guy in the world!
- Bowser: DO PRINCESSES FIND HIM ATTRACTIVE?
- Luigi: THEY DO IF THEY HAVE GOOD TASTE!
- [Bowser rips Luigi's mustache off in fury, causing him to scream in pain]
- Bowser: GET HIM OUT OF MY SIGHT!
- [throws Luigi on the ground]
- Bowser: WE'LL SEE HOW TOUGH THIS MARIO IS WHEN HE WATCHES ME KILL HIS BROTHER!
- Princess Peach: You really thought I'd marry you?
- Bowser: [Flabbergasted] Kinda.
- Princess Peach: I'd never marry a monster.
- [powers up with an Ice Flower that Toad smuggled into her bouquet]
- Bowser: [Infuriated] THEN WE ARE BREAKING UP, RIGHT NOW!
- Donkey Kong: Mario. You saved my life.
- Mario: Yeah, I won't tell anyone.
- Donkey Kong: Good. Please don't.
- Mario: Okay.
- Spike: Well, well, well! If it isn't Brooklyn's favorite failures, the Stupid Mario Bros.!
- Luigi: Oh, great. Spike's here.
- Mario: [Sarcastically] Hey, Spike.
- Spike: Yeah.
- [Imitates Mario]
- Spike: "It's-a me!"
- [laughs]
- Spike: Tell me, have you even gotten one call since you left me to start your dumb company?
- Luigi: As a matter of fact, Spike, we have.
- Mario: [to Luigi] Wow, really?
- Luigi: Yeah! Our mom called. She said "Aw boys, that's the best commercial I've ever seen!" And I said "Thank you very much mother, we're very proud of it!" So BOOM!
- [accidentally drops his phone to the ground, breaking it]
- Spike: [laughs] Good luck running a business with this idiot.
- [throws a napkin at Luigi, but Mario swiftly catches it]
- Mario: [Angrily] Say that again about my brother, and you're gonna regret it.
- [throws the napkin back at Spike]
- Spike: [gets up and grabs Mario by his overalls] Oh, yeah? Get this through your tiny brain, Mario. You're a joke. And you always will be.
- [drops Mario, chuckles and leaves]
- Luigi: Are you insane? He's three times your size!
- Mario: Luigi, come on! You know, you can't be scared all the time.
- Luigi: Mmm, you'd be surprised.
- [while Bowser and Kamek are playing the underground theme on piano]
- Bowser: This uh, human. Where did he come from?
- Kamek: We aren't sure.
- Bowser: Does the princess like him?
- Kamek: Sire, look in the mirror. You have nothing to worry about.
- Bowser: I know that. I'm not threatened.
- [Bowser angrily slams the piano cover on Kamek's fingers, causing him to scream in pain]
- Bowser: FIND OUT WHO HE IS, AND WHAT THEY'RE PLANNING!
- Kamek: I'm on it, sire. May I lift the cover?
- Bowser: [walks away] Not yet. Pain is the best teacher.
- Donkey Kong: So this is the end. Being slowly digested by an eel next to an idiot in overalls.
- Mario: At least your brother isn't gonna die because of you!
- Donkey Kong: At least you're not gonna die with your dad thinking you're a joke!
- Mario: Yeah, well, my dad thinks I'm a joke too.
- Donkey Kong: Yeah, well... Your dad's right!
- Mario: You know what? I feel bad enough! Just- Just leave me alone!
- Donkey Kong: I've never met your dad, but he sounds brilliant!
- Mario: Just go in a corner and SMASH some stuff, smash monkey!
- Donkey Kong: [Angered] I... AM... MORE... THAN A GUY... WHO SMASHES THINGS!
- Mario: Um... no one panic, but the road is about to end.
- Cranky Kong: Well, then you better step on the gas and buckle up!
- Princess Peach: Is there anything like this in your world?
- Mario: What?
- Princess Peach: [Louder] Is there anything like this in your world?
- Mario: [laughs] No. We don't drive on rainbows.
- Princess Peach: What are you gonna tell me next? That the turtles aren't evil?
- Mario: No, no. They're usually pets.
- Princess Peach: [surprised, smiles] No way!
- Mario: Eh, come to Brooklyn, I'll buy you a turtle.
- Princess Peach: [Giggles] Maybe I will.
- Donkey Kong: [rudely interrupts again to annoy Mario] Dude, is this you flirting? This is painful!
- Mario: Jeez, I was just trying to be nice!
- Donkey Kong: You are so embarrassing! A princess would never go out with you!
- Toad: Yes, she would! I guarantee she would!
- Princess Peach: Guys, enough!
- Donkey Kong: Alright, alright.
- Mushroom Person: [Sees Mario accompanying Princess Peach] Uh... who's he?
- Mario: [laughs nervously]
- Princess Peach: He's... not important!
- Bowser: [mid-credits scene; irate after a Toad Guard interrupts him singing "Peaches"] Hey! You can't treat me like this! Do you know who I am? I am Bow-
- [sighs after the Toad Guard shuts the light off and closes the door]
- Princess Peach: Thinking about your brother?
- Mario: We've never been apart this long.
- Princess Peach: Don't worry. We're going to save him.
- [touches a Fire Flower and becomes Fire Peach. She uses a fireball to set up a campfire]
- Mario: You don't seem like you're from here.
- Princess Peach: I don't know where I'm from.
- Mario: Really?
- Princess Peach: Yep. My earliest memory is arriving.
- [flashback to Princess Peach arriving in the Mushroom Kingdom as a baby and the Toads happily welcoming her]
- Princess Peach: I was so lucky they found me. They took me in, raised me like one of their own, and when I was ready, they made me their princess.
- Mario: Hey, maybe you're from my world!
- Princess Peach: There's a huge universe out there. With a lot of galaxies.
- [Mario and Luigi arrive at a luxury apartment]
- Luigi: Oh, wow! We have hit the big time!
- [the brothers fist bump]
- Princess Peach: Well, we have a long journey ahead of us, mustache.
- Mario: But I didn't make it.
- Princess Peach: You almost did! No one gets it right away.
- Mario: How many tries did it take you?
- Princess Peach: Oh, so many. I was not good at it. Worse than you.
- [Smiles]
- Mario: [Not buying it] You got it right away, didn't you?
- Princess Peach: I got it right away, but I grew up here.
- Mario: Okay, now you're just trying to make me feel better.
- Princess Peach: No, no.
- [Brief pause]
- Princess Peach: Is it working?
- Mario: A little bit, yeah.
- Toad: [Mario looking around the mushrooms and tries to touch the blue mushroom, Toad jumps out of nowhere and startles him]
- [Yelling]
- Toad: DO NOT TOUCH THAT MUSHROOM! YOU'LL DIE!
- Toad: Oop, I'm sorry. That one's perfectly fine.
- [Leans on the blue mushroom and pats it]
- Mario: [Frightened] That's a little mushroom man. A little Mushroom man talking to me.
- Toad: Please to meet you. I'm Toad.
- Mario: [Confused] Uh, Mario.
- Plumbing customer in commercial: Thank you, Super Mario Bros. It seems like the only thing you haven't drained is my bank account.
- [Looks and shrugs confusingly]
- Cranky Kong: You did good, kid! Make your pecs dance. You deserve it!
- Donkey Kong: No time now, definitely later!
- Donkey Kong: Oh, yeah! Hi, Dad! Hi!
- Cranky Kong: No, no. Don't do that.
- Donkey Kong: Dad, wave back.
- Cranky Kong: Enough with the showboating!
- Donkey Kong: What do you mean? They like it! It's what they came here for! Dancing pecs!
- [does a chest dance]
- Cranky Kong: [to the audience] Okay, simmer down. I said simmer down!
- [to Diddy Kong]
- Cranky Kong: That means you, Diddy Kong!
- Princess Peach: That was incredible! He kept beating you senseless and you just kept getting back up? You just don't know when to quit!
- Mario: Huh. I never thought of it as a good thing.
- Princess Peach: It's a great thing.
- Mario: [Touched] Thanks. I...
- Donkey Kong: [Interrupts Mario and Princess Peach's moment] I let him win, just for the record.
- Mario: [Unconvinced] Really, though? Why would you do that?
- Donkey Kong: You wanna know why? It's MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS, THAT'S WHY!
- [throws a barrel at Mario, who ducks]
- Mario: [Tries to confront Donkey Kong] Alright, giant monkey!
- Cranky Kong: [Hits both Mario and Donkey Kong with his cane] Enough! Get inside!
- Bowser: [Practicing his wedding proposal] Princess Peach... here we are. Hehe. I guess love really makes a guy come out of his shell.
- [His Piranha Plant bouquet snaps, causing him to stomp on them. He has a small nervous laugh]
- Bowser: Let's rule the world. Together. Forever. Will you marry me?
- Kamek: [Playing the role of Princess Peach] Oh, yes!
- [Koopa General bursts in, clearing his throat]
- Bowser, Kamek: [Angrily] WHAT?
- Koopa General: We have found the princess and the mustachioed human. He has defeated Donkey Kong and won the Kong Army.
- Bowser: So, like, Peach was super impressed?
- Koopa General: It appears so, yes. They are heading towards their secret passage.
- Bowser: Oh, they think they can surprise me, huh? Two can play at that game.