- Moondog: I mean, fuck, we're here to have a good time. I just wanna have a good time, until this shit's over, man. This life's gig a fucking rodeo and I'm gonna suck the nectar and fucking rawdog it till the wheels come off.
- Moondog: I get all these things going, man, and they are all turning me on. And my wires are connecting upstairs and I start to hear music in my head. You know, and the world is reverberating back and forth and I hit the frequency and I start to dance to it. My fingers get moving, my head gets soupy, I'm spinning all over the fucking place, and the fucking words come out.
- Moondog: [to a pair of cops, waiting outside his home] It's about time you guys got here, I need help carrying my luggage!
- Moondog: Give me a lucky lotto triple seven and a cigar, would you?
- Cash Register Guy: Sure.
- Moondog: You don't sell acid, do you?
- Cash Register Guy: No...
- Moondog: That's too bad, man. This place used to.
- Moondog: If I may suggest, your honor, I was told about this amazing rehab facility in the Virgin Islands that's got an open bar and 24 hour time massage. A little "jerky-jerk" to take the edge off you in the detox period. Drain the old jizz pipe with the anti toxins.
- Judge: Excuse me?
- Moondog: All due respect to my own personal fluid transition into my sobriety, I want to let you know the therapeutic value of a groin massage during the acute withdrawal phase is off the charts fucking medicinal!
- Judge: It's not gonna happen!
- Lewis: You know what I like the most about being rich? You can just be horrible to people and they just have to take it.
- Moondog: Keep the pool hot.
- Jose the Pool Boy: I put it on 120 for you.
- Moondog: That's what I'm talking about. Keep it there, baby, and add the chlorine. Cause I may have a gangbang when I get back. I'll invite your mother.
- Jose the Pool Boy: Thank you Mr. Moondog.
- Moondog: Now, what he failed to mention, that these dolphins have got a sort of corkscrew pecker. Alright. A little, whippy, winding ranky-cank thing.
- Captain Wack: It's true, kids. It's sort of like a corkscrew.
- Moondog: So keep a look out.
- Captain Wack: And it's orgy season. So hopefully, we will get to see something, some real wild stuff.
- Moondog: Everybody's fucking, they're really horny this time of the season.
- Moondog: Man, I'm high. My nuts are throbbing right now.
- Lingerie: First time I hit this shit, I nearly went into a coma. I forgot how to motherfucking breathe. What you see?
- Moondog: The delights of 39 ladies.
- Lingerie: What about those cartoons right there? Can you see them?
- Moondog: Are we looking at the same screen?
- Moondog: I don't want you to put a penny of that stuff in the bank. You know, I don't trust those Illuminati motherfuckers.
- Captain Wack: I only had four deaths on my watch.
- Moondog: Only four?
- Captain Wack: Four deaths in over eight straight years of dolphin touring. It's a terrific record. Now, I've been stripped of my license temporarily on five separate occasions but each time, I get it reinstated due to a technicality I never quite understood.
- Lewis: It's sad, Moondog. You used to be a motherfuckin' ATM for me, boy. You have - pissed away your talent on women and booze and total excess.
- Moondog: Now you're talkin'. Yeah, all those things, that's what feeds the juices up here my nugget, man, through my loins up the Autobahn, my spirit and mind, man.
- Moondog: You know my home is down here in the Keys with all the burn-outs. I'm a bottom feeder. I got to go low to get high. You know that.
- Moondog: How did I pull it off? How did I do it? I mean, look, I could tell you that I've been tryin' to uncover the abyss beneath my illusory connection with the world. I could tell you that it's all written in the stars. I could tell you that I'm a reverse paranoiac. I am quite certain that the world is conspirin' to make me happy. All three of which are true but it's really simpler than that. I like to have fun, man. Fun is the fuckin' gun, man. That is why I like boats. I like water. I like sunshine. I like beautiful women. A lot. I get all these things goin', man, and they are all turnin' me on. And my wires are connectin' upstairs and I start to hear music in my head. You know, and the world is reverberatin' back and forth and I hit the frequency and I start to dance to it. My fingers get movin', my head gets soupy, I'm spinnin' all over the fuckin' place, and the fuckin' words come out. It is like it's a fuckin' gift.
- Lewis: I'm not even upset, even a little bit, that I was not included in the ceremonies.
- Moondog: Oh, you thought you'd be included?
- Lewis: No, well, like I said, I'm busy, anyway, so like I said, I'm not offended. And I just want to be clear, this doesn't have to do... with the incident a few years back.
- Moondog: Oh, when you walked in and saw that...
- Lewis: I didn't know she was changing.
- Moondog: She said you stayed a little longer than a few seconds.
- Lewis: Well, I used to mix signals back then. It was a confusing time. I would misread things often.
- Moondog: I'm gonna throw a few fresh lines on you. A little poem I'm workin' on right now: Last night, When I went to bed in Havana, I was thinkin' about you, I was thinkin' about you, Then I got up about 4:00 a.m., And I had to take a piss, As guys do, And I looked down at my dick, And I had such affection In my heart when I did, Knowing that it had been, Inside you twice today, Made me feel, Beautiful. That's what I got. Have a great night. Chase the moon.
- Moondog: In the dusk, you see that woman. She is singing to us, calling us back over the vistas of our past, right back to a child hunched under the piano, sittin' in the boom, and the tinkling strings. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's got his hand - he's got his hand on it, on the foot of his mother. And she smiles - as she sings. And in spite of myself, the insidious mastery of song has betrayed me back once again - to the heart of me, where I weep to belong.
- Lingerie: Oh! That is the most brilliant shit I've ever heard. You wrote that?
- Moondog: Yeah, I did.
- Lingerie: That is some wild *shit*, dog.
- Moondog: Glad you like it, man. I wrote that in my younger years. Actually, D. H. Lawrence wrote it. But I stole and plagiarized it for my seventh-grade poetry contest. And guess what? I won that motherfucker.
- Lingerie: Moondog, you my motherfucker.
- Lingerie: Bitch, you know you're too young to be married, right? You got a lot of livin' to do, baby. Ain't nobody made your little pink twitter squirt yet, huh?
- Lingerie: Be careful, dog You're about to go to a place you never been before. That shit don't come with seat belts.
- Sexy Older Woman: Do you know what my horoscope said? Don't play with matches.
- Moondog: You don't have to, because the fire is already lit, sweetie. That veil is fire. You got a lot of great things going on all over your B-O-D-Y right now.
- Lingerie: This weed here is so good, it can make a motherfucker yearn for the afterlife. It could send you to the outer limits of humanity.
- Moondog: I'm looking for something a little more earthbound. Big-breasted, no scars. Just like you. Just like you. Just like you.
- [first lines]
- Moondog: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Un poquito albino - my little angel pussy. Nobody? Anybody?
- Lawyer: Effective immediately, you can go back to your home, and get your typewriter and some crappy underwear but that's it.
- Moondog: I still don't understand how you married this milk-drinking closet case. I mean, look at him. He's got no magic, he's got no style. He's dressed up like a J.V. cheerleader. I had high hopes for you, Heather. High fucking hopes.
- Moondog: You guys ever watched Magnum P.I.? It's based on my life. I watch it all the time. It's like looking in the fuckin' mirror.
- Moondog: I'm not asking you to part the fuckin' Red Sea for me. I'm askin' you for enough loot to set me up for a few weeks here so I can have my daily goodies. A little booze, a little weed, a little poontang.
- Moondog: The wind, the rain, the stars, the bird, the clock will answer you. Get drunk, good man. Get drunk - and stay drunk.
- Homeless Phil: Is that poetry?
- Moondog: Of course it's poetry, you toothless, illiterate chump. It's Baudelaire.