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It is no longer acceptable in British politics to be fat or eccentric or religious.

[on his and Paul Merton's behavior towards Angus Deayton] We didn't stab Deayton in the back. We stabbed him in the front.

[on Tony Blair] In the early days we were doing jokes about how he's susceptible to spin, he doesn't know what he thinks. Nowadays he does know what he thinks and that's much more frightening. So over the years our version of his comic voice has gone from bright-eyed and enthusiastic to sort of bitter and mad.

We've done articles in Private Eye about people who've gone through the appeals process and have been exonerated. They would be dead! The Death Penalty is not a deterrent if we kill the wrong people.

[on the death of Freddie Mercury in an interview] Queen were a third-rate glam rock band.

[on frequent Have I Got News for You (1990) guest Boris Johnson] People always ask me the same question. They say, 'Is Boris a very very clever man pretending to be an idiot?', and I always say, 'No.'

The whole point of the Windsor dynasty is they're terrifically dull.

Nicknames are rarely entirely affectionate.

[on Piers Morgan] He's a terrific bully, Piers. Essentially, that's what he is. He's the big fat boy in the playground who wants to hit you hard, and he doesn't like anyone who stands up to him.

[on Donald Trump] He doesn't want you to believe this rubbish he pumps out, he wants you to believe nothing.

At Private Eye we once had a package came in containing a death threat on a tape, and my secretary said, "Oh I don't think it's serious, Ian, it's from Coventry."