Mothering Fiona was turning me into a different kind of woman. pg. 80
I'm not really someone who cries while reading books. While other people describeMothering Fiona was turning me into a different kind of woman. pg. 80
I'm not really someone who cries while reading books. While other people describe books as 'tearjerkers,' I walk away cold. I can read 'tearjerkers' with no tears. I have a low tolerance for emotional manipulation in fiction.
But this book isn't fiction, it's non-fiction, and I was definitely crying while reading it.
This book is well-written, emotional, touching, and it teaches you a lot.
I wouldn't advise reading it while pregnant, or while someone you love is pregnant.
Lanier gets pregnant by choice, with her husband, Justin. Like many pregnant, she is super-careful about everything she does.
When I was pregnant, I tried to make a SuperBaby. I didn't realize I was doing this. I thought I'd long ago shed the theory that a body could be made perfect. But looking back, my goal was clear. I swallowed capsules of mercury-free DHA to help grow my SuperBaby's brain. I filled my grocery cart with organic fruits and veggies, letting our monthly food bill consume a quarter of our income. Of course, I followed the medical advice standard for women of my generation... but I went above and beyond. I gave up wheat for reasons I forget. I kept my flip phone at least an arm's length away from my belly to avoid damaging my SuperBaby with electromagnetic waves... I spoke to my SuperBaby.... I avoided finding out my SuperBaby's sex so I would project gender roles onto her/him/them. I slept on my left side... pg. 3
When Fiona is born, she has Wolf-Hirschhorn syndrome. Lanier doesn't find this out until later, though. First she has to deal with everyone's disappointment and scorn. Accused of taking drugs while pregnant when in the hospital, she takes the baby home and has to deal with medical professionals accusing her of starving Fiona.
Even when the syndrome is diagnosed, she faces judgment and pity at every turn. I wanted to reach through the book and shake the medical professionals in this, who range from well-meaning but hurtful to doctors who outright say she should be able to euthanize Fiona or put her in a home and leave her there.
Interacting with the public is equally difficult, people jerking in shock when she tells them how old the baby is. Fiona is very tiny and looks malnourished. People giving her pity and looking at Fiona like a specimen.
Lanier also has to wrestle with her own preconceived notions, what she calls 'excising her ableism.' Ableism is just built into society, she explains. It's hard for her to wrestle with parenting Fiona, whom she loves deeply, while struggling with the fact that her child might never speak, might never walk, might die from seizures before reaching puberty.
Lanier's past also factors into her motherhood. Her biological father was a strong Baptist Christian who believed in going to church regularly and had a sexual interest in his two daughters. This gross and terrifying time in her life thankfully ends when her seemingly meek mother finds the courage and strength to divorce her husband.
Beyond lucky, Lanier gets a second Daddy when her mom remarries, and this time to a mensch. Lanier's stepfather is a great Daddy to her. They love each other very much and thankfully she gets to spend years with him, knowing what a real father is before he dies a painful and slow death to cancer. Not everyone gets a second chance after their father turns out to be a piece of shit, she's incredibly lucky her mother remarried to a mensch.
Lanier makes her own decisions as an adult when she decides to marry a mensch, her amazing husband, Justin. She really, really, really lucked out (or perhaps it was super-smart decision-making) in marrying this 10/10 mensch. I don't know how she would have possible accomplished everything she accomplishes in the book without her loving, supportive, smart, calm, relaxed, wise, and non-judgmental husband. He's amazing.
"Aren't you scared?" I asked him on the way to the first geneticist's appointment. ... Fiona was now the object of our budding work of acceptance. We had to love her as she was, not as how we'd wanted her to be.
"No," he said, his hands on the wheel, his eyes on the interstate. "I'm curious. I want to learn more about her. I want to understand who she is. So I can love her better."
I stared out the window, watching billboards pass, choking on a lump of tears.
"Anything we learn today," he said, "will just help us love her better." pg. 64
Lanier herself is amazing, and that's what makes this book such a joy to read. Since she is a professor, and a writer, and a poet - the book is a beautiful piece of art. Her writing is exquisite. She writes gorgeously. She's so smart. Fiona was so lucky to be born to two kind, smart, loving parents.
The book covers SUCH a range of topics. It's great for disability studies. Lanier covers how society sees disabled people, and tackles thoroughly how she herself has to get through her preconceived assumptions about disability and disabled people. It's SHOCKING the things people (in society and in the medical profession) say to her and Justin about Fiona. Just SHOCKING and heartbreaking and devastating. She turns into an advocate and fights hard for her daughter's personhood, not putting limits on Fiona and believing her capable of many more things than she is told by the medical establishment.
How did I ever learn that people like my daughter were less-than? Had the roots of my thinking been planted by the DEFECT language, by the BAD SEED and AT ZERO language? Had they begun in the hallways of that elementary school I attended.. The roots of my thinking were older than me.. "Who sinned to make this man blind? The man or his parents?" Disability as punishment. Disability as sin. Disability as a problem,.... pg. 129
Of course, she's white and has enough money. But to her credit she acknowledges this and talks also about racism and how many people who parent disabled children aren't as fortunate as she is. She's very astute.
It's also a touching, heart-breaking memoir. If you like memoirs, especially powerful and emotional ones, this one will rip your heart out. Not because it's exactly what I would call 'depressing,' Lanier makes it clear that Fiona (view spoiler)[makes a ton of progress, is able to do tons of things the doctors said she would never do, she's alive at the end of the book despite some scary seizures, and Lanier fights and succeeds in getting Fiona in a public school where she is treated well. (hide spoiler)] but because the set-up and the conclusion are so brutal and emotional. Her hopes and dreams for her 'SuperBaby' are completely gutted. She has to start viewing humans and society and life in a TOTALLY different way, which is a difficult and extremely painful process. She has to constantly deal with abled people seeing Fiona as less-than and treating her as such. It's such a brutal, constant, everyday battle that your heart aches for Lanier as she puts herself out there day after day. She gets treated like shit, her child gets treated like shit, it's a very tiring and emotional struggle everyday to fight for her daughter's rights.
It also is a good book on the topic of misogyny and feminism. Lanier discusses a lot of harsh truths about how society treats women, pregnant women, mothers, and how devastating mom-culture can be and how many strains and worries it puts on moms and moms-to-be.
It seemed that, once pregnant, we were supposed to become conduits of total joy and safety. ... The voices of the culture implied that we should become carriers of life that will not experience what life inevitably feels - pain. ... We are urged to stop the growing body inside us from having what all bodies inherently have: vulnerability, that crack of a doorway through which our suffering creeps. pg. 31
It's also, in a smaller way, a book about religion. If you like spiritual books or books with a good religious message, this fits the bill. Justin is a priest and also has a strong Zen monk background, the book discusses religion and spirituality a lot. God is discussed in a very loving, beautiful way, there's none of the judgment or hatred one normally associates with organized religion - so if you are interested in gentle, kind religion and a belief in a gentle, loving God than this book is for you.
I didn't just stop believing in the ability to make a SuperBaby - I questioned the morality of it. Our values were too twisted to know what would make for better versions of ourselves. pg. 197
TL;DR Just a beautiful, heart-shattering book that I highly recommend. There are so many things to recommend this: disability studies, feminism, positive and gentle Christianity, powerful and emotional memoir, beautiful writing.
The only caveat I would offer is that if you are pregnant or about to become a grandparent or etc. I would hold off on reading this, it might stress you out.
A rare case of a book making me cry, this is such an anomaly I think I can count it on one hand. So glad I picked it up. HIGHLY RECOMMENDED READING.
NAMES IN THIS BOOK (view spoiler)[ Justin m Fiona Soen Ray f Ray m Virginia f Mary Lou f Rhonda f Louise f Amelia f Chrissy f Lisa f Steve m Brenda f Pat f Sarah f Thomas m Amanda f Lauren f Dave m Lennard m Francis m Deborah f Charles m Rob m Arnold m Elizabeth f Emily f Ronan m Blair f Sue f Maureen f Tammy f Maya f Dana f Dave m Shankar m Peter m Richard m Thomas m Tracy f Margaret f Elton m (hide spoiler)]...more
No matter how much you worry in advance, or how careful you are, once the umbilical cord is cut, your child is adrift in the world.
This book is very sNo matter how much you worry in advance, or how careful you are, once the umbilical cord is cut, your child is adrift in the world.
This book is very strange. And I would never give it to expectant mother.
Vienne is full of some bizarre ideas.
ONE: She seems to think that baby fever suddenly seizes men and women.
In supermarkets, busy career women who routinely fill their carts with French Roquefort cheese and extra-virgin olive oil are unexpectedly riveted by the sight of rows of tiny jars of pureed baby food. ... All of a sudden, athletic husbands who drive off-road vehicles and go rafting on weekends secretly envy their male friends with infant car seats in the back of their four-door sedans.
TWO: Her thoughts on infertility. She basically thinks parents should not have fertility treatments and should just wait. Eventually children will come.
Medical authorities are beginning to wonder whether what we call infertility isn't just a fancy diagnosis for sheer impatience. Watched pots never boil. ... Forget about your 'window of peak fertility.' Throw away your ovulation tests and basal temperature charts. You'll get pregnant when it's least convenient.
While I agree with her to some extent - I think couples often jump into fertility treatment and worrying they will never be able to have kids when they have only been 'trying' for a short time - I would never say anything like this to anybody. One, because it's none of my fucking business. Two, it is not compassionate and caring about someone's real worry and fear. If I was a woman who was worried about infertility and someone was like, "Oh, just wait, it'll happen sooner or later" I would feel angry and upset. So I don't really think belittling people's concerns is a good thing here.
THREE: She has some bizarre ideas about men. There're a few, so bear with me here. First of all, that men have a rough 'pregnancy' just like women do. She claims he goes through a wild fluctuation of hormones. He gets cranky because as soon as his wife is pregnant he becomes 'invisible' and unimportant, even to his own parents. His wife is 'replaced by a stranger' or an alien who speaks in 'foreign language' (meaning stuff like epidurals, episiotomies - that a man can't POSSIBLY understand /s). Men are also suddenly expected to change themselves. Huge burdens are placed on them like quitting smoking and changing the litter box. WHAT HORROR. His health is deteriorating. He may get sicker than his pregnant wife. He may gain more weight than she does. He may endure abdominal pain and leg cramps.
I just can't with this shit. Some of it may be true for some males, but making a pregnancy about a man and his needs and his problems and his discomfort is just NOT something I'm willing to be gung-ho about right now.
Another weird move - that I will also discuss later - is that in this 'men' chapter Vienne gleefully reminds us that Adding insult to injury, a man can never be sure that he is the rightful biological father of his baby - and, ouch, there is genetic evidence that at least one in ten dads isn't. Emotionally confused, he is prey to a multitude of unspoken sins.
This is reason number one I would never give this to an expectant mother. Why the FUCK would you say this?!!!? Why the FUCK would you put this in a pregnancy book?!!?!? Do you WANT to start marital strife and doubt and demands that a woman gets a paternity test?!!!? Are you trying to incite fights and divorces or what?!?!? I really see NO benefit to offering this little tidbit, unless her goal is to plant seeds of doubt and mistrust in a man's mind. Which is, ostensibly, AGAINST what this book is trying to accomplish. So, way to fail there, Vienne!
Also, there IS a way to determine you are the biological father - a DNA test. Bam. Done. This is published in 2002, it shouldn't be a shock to Vienne! But demanding your wife take a paternity test is a good way to jumpstart divorce proceedings.
She also builds up this kind of fantasy father in her head.
In the fourth week of his wife's pregnancy, he will begin to notice other people's kids, and he will slow down to respect speed limits.
In the twelfth week, he will tell his friends at work that he is leaving early to go to a ball game when in fact he is taking his wife for a checkup.
Before the twenty-fifth week is over, he will fantasize about looking manly while burping his baby.
Toward the end of the thirty-sixth week, he will surf the Web in search of the perfect infant car seat instead of going out drinking with his buddies.
In other words, he will be well on his way to becoming the kind of father who takes his squirming daughter out of her bulky snowsuit before taking off his own coat and hat.
I don't know where you are getting these ideas, but sure, your man will do all that. And on schedule! ;) Also, men speed, men love baseball, men feel like they have to lie to their male friends about what they are doing because going to the obstetrician's office with your wife is embarrassing or girly or some shit, men like to drink alcohol, etc. etc. That's a little bit of a generalization there.
She uses gender stereotypes for the whole book. For instance, she claims that background noise is good for infants. Mom creates background noise by ironing shirts and Dad creates background noise by 'raking leaves or cleaning the barbecue in the backyard.' She also, for some bizarre reason, thinks dads are the ones who lobby for simple masculine names for a son, such as Michael. We'll discuss her name section later, but really WTF? Wildly untrue.
The most amazing thing a father can do for his children is share the housework 50-50.
I am TOTALLY for men sharing the housework and I grew up in a house where men were expected to do dishes and scrub toilets just like the females were, and I agree it not only relieves stress on the mom but helps raise your sons and daughters into better people - no brother of mine shies away from household chores or thinks they are 'women's work!' and no sister of mine would buy that bullshit if a boyfriend/husband was trying to sell it to her!!! - but I don't know about "the most amazing thing." I mean, certainly a great thing, and AN amazing thing, but the MOST amazing thing? Probably being present and a part of the kid's life is the most amazing thing a father can do for his children. IMO.
I feel like this is a parenting book from the '60s. I know it was published in 2002, but it's just got that 1960s feel to it, ya know?
What about this 'babies will work extra hard to seduce and charm daddy because they are afraid daddy will leave and not be invested in children like mommy' idea that she keeps promoting?
And to make sure that his father is as involved as his mother, the little critter will do his utmost to seduce the dad. A mom often watches in disbelief as her child turns on full-volume charm to melt daddy's heart.
Uh-huh.
FOUR: She keeps acting like babies are scary aliens. And, I mean, in a way they are: parasites that invade your body and suck out all your nutrients and strength until they explode out of your uterus like monsters from another planet - but I wouldn't say this to a pregnant woman (whom I didn't know really, really well) and I certainly wouldn't put that in my 'So you're expecting?' book!
Having a baby? Not exactly. More accurately, your baby is having you. A new life has taken possession of your body...
o.O
When it comes time for your baby to give birth to the mommy he is carrying, you will both emerge from the process as two separate beings.
Oh, that's reassuring.
She also likes to remind women that miscarriages happen... because your baby is like an organ transplant and your body wants to reject the intruders! This is... not the way I'd talk about miscarriages, or fetuses, especially since miscarriages are awful and can also make women really, really sad. Vienne seems to think it is like a ho-hum medical fact, but it's not and doesn't seem that way to someone who has lost a pregnancy.
Finally, she ends with this:
If everything goes well, the mom will eventually be subdued by the ferocious determination of the cells proliferating at breakneck pace in the nave of her being. She'll learn to love the tiny guest who is usurping her hospitality.
She'll even grow proud of the selfish genes of her future child. Toward the end of her ordeal, she'll look more and more like the baby she is carrying - swaying gently as she walks, her feet receding in the domed shadow of her expectant belly.
Vienne is so weird. o.O
FIVE: Baby names.
If you lobby for Michael over Winslow, chances are you are the dad. When he is eight, your son will be grateful you prevailed. By the time he is in college, though, he will probably have more cachet with the girls as Winslow.
If you know better than to name your baby girl after Aunt Gertrude, you are the mom. You don't want your daughter to be perceived as less attractive than all the fetching Caitlins, Amandas, Danielles, Tiffanys, and Ashleys out there.
Good things happen to parents who are in complete agreement over naming their infant Barrington, Thelonious, or Regina: To overcome unusual names, squirming bundles will excel in school and make them proud.
If your mate comes up with a pretty good suggestion - Lorelle if it's a girl, Preston if it's a boy - don't try to find something much better. Make it a done deal. The name you give your child will be synonymous with love.
Unless it's Gertrude! I mean, WTF.
SIX: Surviving the first major disagreement with your daughter or son... The torment is often worse than the pain of childbirth. At that moment, you may wish you never had kids in the first place. Minutes later, though, you will realize that your children will never leave you. They are a gift - a gift no one, not even them, can ever take away from you.
This isn't true.
SEVEN: Day after day, month after month, you will develop stronger abdominal and pectoral muscles to accommodate the increasing weight of your charge. Eventually the robust ten-year-old will feel no heavier than she did as an infant or toddler.
I can tell you from extensive experience that this is bullshit. I don't care how much your muscles grow, children age 6+ are FUCKING HEAVY and not easy to carry around. I would carry a child, of course, if it was an emergency - but if you think I'm going to be carting around a 6+ year-old IN MY ARMS for fun and it's just going to be super-easy and a walk in the park... you've got another thing coming lately. 99% chance I tell the kid, "You're a big boy/girl now! You have your own two feet and we are going to walk (home, to the car, etc.)." Might be easier for a 6'3" weightlifter, but for a little short woman - even one who has lugged around small children up to now - this is a no. As Braxton Wolff would say, "Physically, that's a non-starter." And a 10-year-old?! You gotta be kiddin' me.
EIGHT: Then there is this page of rich-people advice, like:
Be a little extravagant when it comes to details. Have your baby announcements regally engraved on crisp, ivory-colored stationery. It's the next best thing to having a child born to royalty.
Don't let anyone talk you out of getting one of those cozy quilted 'Moses' baskets that will make your infant look like a baby in a manger.
NINE: She wants pregnant women and moms to feel sexy. Okay, I can get behind that. But there are problems with her presentation. Such as:
Even though you think you look like hell, you are a lot more appealing to the opposite sex than you might imagine. You have nothing left to prove as a woman, and it shows.
I wasn't aware I had to 'prove' anything as a woman. I don't like the implications here.
Too tired for sex? Not a problem. Remind him of how you got in this predicament in the first place. Then look at him with a goofy smile.
Not sure what she is saying here. Don't have sex? Or you are reminding him of sex? Or what? If you want my advice, tell him that if he wants sex you will lie down and allow him to give you orgasms. You're tired and pregnant and he's going to do the work. And enjoy it. The end.
Is there anything you enjoyed about the book, Carmen?
Yes. I liked that she doesn't make it sound like breastfeeding is the only way to feed an infant and if you don't breastfeed you are a horrible monster.
I like that she encourages not getting in the habit of calling your child's father 'daddy,' most especially in bed.
I also like the one picture of a nude mom in this, who is sitting on a rock on the beach putting sunscreen on her son.
Tl;dr - This book is so problematic, I could never give it to a pregnant woman or a new mother. Not only does Vienne have some bizarre ideas, IMO, but she isn't exactly tactful in her discussions of pregnancy and paternity. I can't understand her motivation to put certain things in this book. While I'm sure Vienne has her heart in the right place, and it's obvious she loves children, IMO the book is problematic....more
