I might have jinxed this.
I confess, ok?
I plead myself guilty of calling this out way too early, thinking I was staring into another five-star masterpiece. That, or it's just that I'm losing my gift to recognize five-star material almost from the get-go. Go figure.
If there's a phrase I could use to describe this book, that would be "not what I expected," and at this point, given the times I've used it to describe most of my reads this year, I might as well just copyright it by now.
This is my first time reading Abercrombie, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't expect something more...substantial? from such an award-winning and renowned author as him.
You know, Abercrombie is one of those big names in fantasy, the kind of guy whose name is brought up in almost every fantasy book recommendation here and there.
After all, we're talking about a man who has practically made a subgenre his.
But to be honest, for someone who's somewhat the household name for everything grimdark, so much so as to even call himself Lord Grimdark, well... this actually didn’t feel very grimdarky at all.
Or dark.
Or adult, just to be fair.
As I always say, and because by now it seems I have made it my personal crusade, this thing of telling books like they are, don't let yourself be fooled by those raving five-star reviews. Don't you ever think for a second that this book is fantasy horror or some dark, creepy, gory tale.
Let’s start by calling things by their name, shall we?
This is straight-up fantasy comedy action, the kind of thing you are bound to get when the worst traits of the Marvel Cinematic Universe and the DC Universe mix together and have a baby of their own.
I'm talking Thunderbolts and Suicide Squad, but with a vampire, a nymphomaniac werewolf, an undead knight, an invisible elf, a necromancer, a know-it-all mercenary and God knows why, a monk, in an alternate European medievalesque setting, one where Troy won the war, thus controlling the Aegean, and one where Carthage won the Punic Wars, overcoming Rome.
And because I'm a history nerd and still within a fantasy world, I demand and expect some kind of logic, and because I did my homework, this would mean a completely different world than the one we came to know and definitely in a completely opposite direction from the one Abercrombie imagined for this book.
Bear with me a little.
According to the author, he didn't care that much about worldbuilding because he's more a "character author" (patience, I'll get there), which sounds to me pretty much like an excuse for getting away with it by being lazy. Which is how this alternate world feels—lazy, vague, illogical, and inconsistent—and one of the many issues I have with this book, just to start with.
The concept might have seemed interesting, and I'm sure that's probably how it felt in the author's head. The thing is that a lot of times, if not most of the times, ideas seem good until we try to flesh them out on paper.
An alternate medievalesque Europe seems interesting and plausible, but only within the realms of logic, and only if Abercrombie didn’t skip a few history classes and only if he actually took the time to check a history book or two to then analyze the potential what-ifs prior to writing this story.
Had he done that, he then would have avoided the fatal error of imagining a Christian-Catholic-like religion flourishing and taking over.....in a world without the Roman Empire's crucial influence.
A little bit of digging into our own world's history would have shown him that things aren't just that simple as replacing one predominance (Rome) with another (Carthage), which is exactly what he has done here. And the reason why I just couldn't shut my brain off once I checked that little bit of information.
You see, I might give this a pass to a novel author, but to a settled one with 19 years of career and more than 10 books on his back? Hell, no.
Like I said somewhere above, I know that this is a fantasy world, and thus, you're allowed to take some liberties, but still, there has to be some logic (like remembering that a Carthaginian influence would have led to a more disorganized world, and a Christian-like religion wouldn't have taken over Europe without Rome's political structure), and just replacing names and symbolism here and there (Jesus is a female; priests, bishops, and the pope are female in the west and male in the east; there isn't a cross but a wheel; the Vatican is the Holy City, just to name a few), well, that's not it. At least, not for this nerd.
But only if that was the only issue with this book.
At the beginning of this review I said that this was nothing more than a fantasy comedy action, and I firmly stand by that.
I mean, what other terms could I use to describe the overabundance of repetitive jokes and the unending, insufferable, soporific, and also repetitive action sequences?
If you've been following my updates while I was reading this, then you'll know that till 20% I was quite entertained. At 30% I was starting to feel a little bored. And at 50/60% I was about to jump off the boat.
There's a healthy amount of jokes one can take before it gets too much, and this book abuses of cracking joke after joke, even at the most inappropriate moments, the ones when you need to hold back your tongue just a little bit just to let emotions sink in.
After a while, I gave up on trying to keep track of all the puns about fuck###, co###, pus####, tits, feces, vomiting (there's an insane amount of puking in here. So yeah. You've been warned) being tossed not just at every single page, but at just every single sentence. I'm not kidding when I say that almost every sentence is crowned with a pun, a trick that becomes old after some time.
And the problem with your book being an endless joke is that you don't allow your characters to grow or have emotional depth of any kind. Everything is just so shallow and so silly, and the jokes so rude and scatological, just like a cheap comedy resorting to fat jokes in an attempt of being funny.
The action scenes are pretty much all the same. When characters aren't poking each other, then action scenes happen, and they prolong through pages and pages. A little word of advice from this reader: if action movies without a drop of drama aren't your thing, then avoid this book like the plague.
Somewhere I read that the battles in this book feel like those of video games, when you go around facing mini bosses till you face the final boss at the end to win the game, and I agree. Each action sequence is just a copycat to the one before, but in a different setting. Even the evil cousins (the villains) are nothing more than just different iterations of the same character. If it weren't for the changing in the names, I would have sworn it was the same character over and over again.
By the time you get to the second big action scene, it all starts to feel like a deja vu. Even the monsters that make their appearance in this particular sequence have that feeling of "I think I've seen this film before" (which, by the way, you probably did, 'cause they're just carbon copies of the Davy Jones crew from Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest).
To make things even worse, there are no stakes, no real risks, 'cause you know, these scenes are filler, and there's still half a book left to carry through, so they can't die now, and also this is the first book in a series, so you already know most of the group need to and will make it out alive just to ensure more entries. God forbid you accidentally kill your cash cow, right?
Things do get better at 80%, but only if you managed to survive the snoozefest between 40 and 70-80%. Consider yourself lucky if you managed to make it through it.
But even if things got a little bit better, still what we are fed with is pretty much of the same. From the very predictable plot twists you'll see coming from a mile away, to the mandatory final boss battle and a major (or is it a minor?) character's death, just to keep things interesting. And given that said character is one of the few who didn't get its own POV, and we never get the chance to know it better, honestly, I couldn't care less about its passing.
I know what you're thinking. Then why does this book get a three-star rating, right?
You see, there are ways to misstep, and I'm sure a lot of authors deep in their core wish they could just misstep like Abercrombie. Because even with all that repetitiveness, its juvenile jokes, its shallow characters, and all its deus ex machinas, it still is a fun read.
Even with all its many problems, there's no way of denying that the author knows how to put two sentences together. He certainly knows how to write, if only he had written a more inspired story I could like.
I just wish it had more depth, something I could grab to. It wasn't clearly the author's intention, so it might be my bad. While I was writing this review, and thinking about what I would say about it, I came to known that the author wrote this with the sole intention to sell the rights to some studio (which it's exactly what happened), and I gotta say it, it shows. At times, a lot of times actually, it felt like I was reading a movie script instead of a novel.
I get why some people might like this book, and at the same time, I get those who don't.
If you're a vibes reader and you're just looking for something to pass the time, without cracking your head too much, then this might work. Maybe.
I'd say, in that case, there are probably better options. Shorter, less repetitive, formulaic ones, if I'm allowed.
The thing is I never read solely for the vibes. The enjoyment and how good a book could make me feel are big parts of the experience of reading, but definitely not all of it.
Blame it on me for being a Gemini, blame it on my Mercury in Gemini. Blame it even on me being an INFJ.
But I need some more. I need and I'm eager for brain food. I'm a sucker for books that keep me guessing, shaking and tearing my expectations and turning their tables on me. I need a book to be ten steps ahead of me. I need it to be unpredictable, to set all the clues like an expert and pull a masterful plot twist it'll keep me thinking for weeks.
This book probably ain't, but hey....still, what a ride.
Quality based reading: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
Liked based rating: ⭐️⭐️⭐️