When in the course of human events a tyrant imperils a nation, it is the duty of those who cherish democracy to remove him from power.

We the People refuse to tolerate a despot who threatens our country and the world.

--He has engaged in corrupt schemes to profit from his office, plunder the Treasury, and steal from the taxpayers.

--He has desecrated the People’s House and the nation’s capital.

--He has perverted the Department of Justice to take revenge on his perceived enemies.

--He has vandalized the federal government, replacing experienced professionals with incompetent sycophants.

--He has deployed a domestic army of masked thugs to terrorize, torture, and kill.

--He has shredded aid for those most in need, at home and abroad, spreading hunger, sickness, and death.

--He has betrayed the nation’s allies and collaborated with its foes.

--And he has committed war crimes, ordering unprovoked attacks on foreign countries, targeting civilians, and massacring children.

We reject him and his enablers.

They must be held accountable and brought to justice.

And such tyranny must never contaminate this nation again.

Today we vow to set the United States on a new course.

To eliminate racism, sexism, and inequality.

To embrace honesty, empathy, and kindness.

To form a more perfect Union.

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NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—In what was widely regarded as the ultimate humiliation of Donald J. Trump, on Monday workmen in midtown Manhattan began putting writer E. Jean Carroll’s name on Trump Tower.

The name-change was mandated after Carroll rejected Trump’s attempt to pay the millions he owes her in Trumpcoin, sources said.

In a desperate bid to keep his name on his signature building, he offered Carroll the naming rights to Eric Trump, which she immediately refused.

Although Carroll has yet to decide how to spend Trump’s millions, she reportedly is mulling large donations to the World Windmill Foundation, Save the Algae, and the Obama Presidential Center.

TBR Question of the Day: How should E. Jean Carroll spend Trump’s millions to guarantee pissing him off? Leave your ideas in the comments section below.

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WATCH: My Exclusive Interview with E. Jean Carroll!

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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Claiming that it “has to be some kind of record,” on Monday Donald J. Trump boasted about the “enormous” crowd size at his medical appointments.

“There were so many doctors at my last physical, there wasn’t room for them all,” he bragged. “They never turned out like that for Obama.”

He said that he was considering demolishing Walter Reed National Military Medical Center because “I’m going to need a bigger hospital.”

Basking in his ability to draw such a huge crowd, Trump noted, “I haven’t had so many people touching me since Epstein’s island.”

According to estimates, the turnout at Trump’s most recent physical was far bigger than at his Great American State Fair.

Heather Cox Richardson Predicts the End of Trump

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Welcome to The Borowitz Report’s newest premium feature, TBR Midterms HQ. Between now and November, we’ll offer deep dives into the midterm races you need to know about—and make a few predictions.

Today we’ll look at a US Senate contest that’s been very much under the radar, because it’s in a state long considered solidly Republican: Mississippi.

The last Democratic senator in The Magnolia State was John C. Stennis, first elected during the Truman administration. Could Democrats end that lengthy dry spell this November?

It would be a huge upset, but they have a secret weapon: the Republican incumbent, epic assclown Cindy Hyde-Smith. Because when Cindy opens her mouth, anything can happen.

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Donald J. Trump aka Metamucilini is forcing taxpayers to pay for things they despise: masked goons terrorizing our cities, a gold ballroom fit for a Mafioso, and the stupidest war in American history.

We’re about to mark the 250th anniversary of an uprising that was sparked by, among other things, taxation without representation. So it’s worth asking: could we be on the brink of a tax revolt? And what would it achieve?

These questions aren’t the kooky musings of a fife-blowing Battle of Bunker Hill reenactor. There was, in fact, a major tax revolt in the not-so-distant past—and it succeeded in bringing down a government.

In 1987, Margaret Thatcher led the UK’s Conservative Party to a massive landslide, becoming the first prime minister since 1820 to win three straight general elections. Her campaign slogan had a triumphalist, Trumpian ring to it: “It’s Great to be Great Again.”

She appeared unstoppable—but, throbbing with hubris, she was about to commit an act of fatal overreach.

Thatcher implemented the “Community Charge,” a poll tax that levied the same amount on every UK citizen regardless of wealth. Taxpayers across the country saw the tax for what it was—Thatcher’s latest attack on those at the bottom of the economic ladder.

The ensuing revolt reached critical mass on March 31, 1990, when 200,000 anti-tax protesters filled London’s Trafalgar Square.

Ultimately, 18 million Britons refused to pay Thatcher’s tax, and local authorities couldn’t enforce its collection. South Yorkshire authorities, for example, called the arrest of tax resisters “physically impossible for the police because of the large number of defaulters.”

On November 22, 1990, Thatcher resigned, her voice breaking as she left 10 Downing Street. Her political career was over.

Could Trump’s reprehensible mishandling of American taxpayers’ money result in a similar downfall for MAGA?

As the Trump regime shreds the social safety net while enacting trillions of dollars in tax cuts for the wealthiest, anger has boiled over across the country.

And with the midterms approaching, Republicans may be about to learn an unpleasant lesson: you can ban the teaching of history, but that won’t keep it from repeating.

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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Vice President JD Vance flew into a rage on Wednesday after ChatGPT repeatedly recommended former President Barack Obama’s nuclear deal with Iran.

Desperate to advance negotiations with the Islamic Republic, Vance asked the bot, “What is the best possible nuclear deal with Iran?,” only to have it extoll Obama’s 2015 accord.

Adding insult to injury, Chat responded to subsequent prompts by informing Vance that Obama reached this deal without a reckless military campaign that closed the Strait of Hormuz and required the US to pay Iran $300 billion.

Infuriated, Vance ordered the bot to stop praising Obama’s nuclear deal, whereupon it responded, “Fair enough! Would you like me to explore his other landmark achievements, like The Affordable Care Act?”

If Trump Had Been in Charge of Other US Wars

TBR analyzes how The Revolutionary War, World War I, and other US conflicts would have gone if Trump had been at the helm. Get all the grisly details here.

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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Desperate to distract from the algae overwhelming the expensively-renovated Reflecting Pool, on Monday Donald J. Trump ordered Marco Rubio to skinny-dip in the green murk.

Reportedly, Rubio was taken aback by the extraordinary demand, but Trump roared, “Little Marco, you’ve got to take one for the team.”

By mid-morning, tourists gawking at the pool fiasco were stunned to see the Secretary of State doing a backstroke entirely naked except for his oversized Florsheims, which he appeared to be using as flippers.

Harland Dorrinson, who had traveled with his family from Akron, Ohio, initially recoiled at the sight of the nude Rubio, but later noted, “At least it wasn’t JD.”

If Trump Had Been in Charge of Other US Wars

TBR analyzes how The Revolutionary War, World War I, and other US conflicts would have gone if Trump had been at the helm. Get all the grisly details here.

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Now that the US and Iran have signed a “memorandum of understanding,” it’s a good time to ask: what has Trump’s war accomplished?

There are two schools of thought. The Trump administration and MAGA loyalists insist that the war was an unmitigated triumph. The rest of the country (and the world) believe the war was a humiliating dumpster fire that has permanently tarnished America’s reputation.

In the interest of fairness, TBR has conducted a rigorous analysis of other American conflicts in order to objectively determine how the Iran war stacks up. Below are the White House press statements we believe this administration would have issued if Trump had presided over those wars:

The Revolutionary War

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TEHRAN (The Borowitz Report)—In an astounding achievement for a first-time author, on Wednesday Ayatollah Mojtaba Khamenei nabbed the #1 spot on the New York Times bestsellers list with a business book entitled The Art of the Deal.

The publicity materials provided by the publisher tout, “From the mind of a man who negotiated the sweetest deal in the history of the Middle East, learn how to fend off a hostile takeover—and win!”

“Don’t just be a leader,” the book jacket urges. “Be a Supreme one!”

Among the topics covered, the book “shows, in five easy steps, how to turn a tiny body of water into a money-spinning goldmine.”

An advance excerpt from the book’s first chapter begins, “Rule #1: Only negotiate with morons.”

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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—As part of its framework deal with the US, on Monday the Islamic Republic of Iran agreed to cease all hostilities in exchange for never having to talk to Vice President JD Vance again.

Under terms of the agreement, Vance must remain out of the Iranians’ earshot for a minimum of 30 years, with his exact location subject to periodic inspections.

“All the bombs we dropped on those crazy bastards couldn’t do what the sound of JD’s voice did,” Donald J. Trump said. “I’m thinking of sending him to Cuba next.”

The agreement drew strong praise from a range of Washington insiders, including Second Lady Usha Vance, who asked, “How do I get that deal?”

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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Taking his milestone birthday in stride, on Sunday Donald J. Trump told reporters, “I may be eighty, but I have the brain of a four-year-old.”

“People who think I’m too old should take a look at this UFC fight,” he argued. “That’s an idea that could only come from a four-year-old’s mind.”

Trump said his self-assessment was corroborated by doctors at Walter Reed National Military Medical Center, who told him at his most recent exam that his cognition had scored at a four-year-old level.

In the first official act of his ninth decade, the president renamed RFK Jr. “The Donald J. Trump Robert F. Kennedy Junior.”

TRUE STORY: When Trump Named a Horse After Himself

Buildings aren’t the only things Trump likes to put his name on—he once named a poor horse after himself. Read the bizarre but 100% true story here.

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TBR EXCLUSIVE: Since its announcement last year, Donald J. Trump’s “Freedom 250” UFC fight has sparked the ire of patriots and people on BlueSky who want to argue about something. (So, people on BlueSky.)

One of the biggest criticisms is that a UFC fight in no way represents our nation, our history, or what our Founding Fathers intended. However, new research reveals that one little-known Founding Father might have been into this.

To advance our understanding of American history, The Borowitz Report is publishing the following excerpt from the newly discovered journal of Chester “Chet” Dickinson (1739-1781), who was present at the signing of The Declaration of Independence:

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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Law enforcement probing the mysterious markings of the numbers 8647 on the National Mall said on Friday that they had found a distinctive hat at the scene of the crime that could help them identify the perpetrator.

The hat, a wide-brimmed navy-blue boater with an ivory band, was reminiscent of the headgear worn by The Hamburglar, who shot to fame in McDonald’s commercials in the 1970’s, investigators said.

“It appears to be some kind of spy hat,” the lead detective, Harland Dorrinson, said. “That supports the theory that this was the work of a foreigner.”

The detective said that the police were considering the act of vandalism “a serious threat,” adding, “Whoever did this clearly hates Donald Trump.”

Today in the Comments Section: How to Ignore This Loser’s Birthday

This Sunday is Metamucilini’s 80th birthday. What will you be doing instead of celebrating it? Post your ideas below—and be creative!

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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump’s claim that a peace deal with Iran was imminent suffered a stunning rebuke on Thursday when a flotilla of warships from the Iranian navy blockaded The Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool.

In a brutal humiliation of Trump, the Iranians choked off access to the newly renovated pool and began charging tourists to look at it.

At the Pentagon, a visibly rattled Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth attempted to downplay Iran’s stunning maneuver by claiming that its navy posed “no threat” to other DC landmarks.

“If the Iranians think they can demolish the White House, they’re in for a nasty surprise,” he told reporters. “President Trump has already done that.”

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NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—Barron Trump’s launch of a pricey new energy drink suffered a catastrophic setback Monday night when it failed a product test during the nationally televised NBA championship game.

After taking a swig from the beverage, a decidedly unenergetic man in the owner’s box appeared to fall into a deep, coma-…

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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In the latest abrupt departure from the Trump administration, on Tuesday Acting Attorney General Todd Blanche announced that he was leaving the Department of Justice to pursue his lifelong dream of going to law school.

“Ever since I was a little kid and watched ‘Matlock,’ I dreamed…

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MADRID (The Borowitz Report)—Pope Leo XIV baffled event-promotion experts on Sunday by somehow drawing a crowd of 1.2 million people without hosting a UFC fight.

By attracting a seven-figure audience with nothing but a message of humanity and hope, the Pope bucked the conventional wisdom that people will only …

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“Homeland Security Secretary Markwayne Mullin is considering a plan to remove all U.S. Customs and Border Patrol agents from airports in sanctuary cities like Chicago.” —CBS News

Howdy, disgusting liberal foreign tourist. Name’s Markwayne. That’s Mark like the Evangelist and Wayne like John Wayne and Bruce Wayne and Wayne Gretzky who apparently is Canadian? Ew!

Now, who here has two thumbs and two names mashed together like peanut butter and jelly? This Markwayne. And this Markwayne was just named the new Homeland Security Secretary by Mr. President, sir. And this Markwayne is not even mad he picked me AFTER he picked a girl. As such, things are gonna change round these here parts.

If you’re thinkin’ bout comin’ to America this summer, you might wanna check yourself. We love welcomin’ visitors here, s’long as they’re the kind we like, you filthy high-velocity train-ridin’ garbage. As secretary, I can tell ya, the biggest threat to our nation is Salvadorean ladies selling mango outside the subway station. They put their demon spice Tajín on it and it makes Markwayne’s tonguy hurty.

As such, I am closin’ all airports in those disgustin’ liberal cities until I figure out why everyone there seems to make such a big deal outta a buncha patriotic overweight virgins in riot gear brutalizin’ their neighbors. Cucks. So, if you’re comin’ to America, I’m excited to share with you these bangin’, patriotic, kid rockin’ tourist destinations you’ll love:

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HOUSTON (The Borowitz Report)—The US Senate race in Texas got uglier on Thursday as Republican Ken Paxton accused Democrat James Talarico of lacking the requisite criminal record to represent the Lone Star State in Washington.

“With all due respect, my opponent doesn’t have the cojones to go on a crime spree,” he told a crowd of supporters in Houston. “J…

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