<\/p>\n
Zero<\/strong><\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s a boy!\u201d<\/p>\n I do what newborn babies do. I take my first breath and cry.<\/p>\n It\u2019s one of the only times in my life I did what was expected of me. If I\u2019d understood what my father\u2019s words had sentenced me to, the crying would have been on purpose.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n One<\/strong><\/p>\n \u201cOh yes, Mister Big Eyes!\u201d says Grandmommy. She bops me on the nose and I make a squealy sound. \u201cMister Big Brown Eyes looks just like his daddy.\u201d<\/p>\n She tickles my cheek and I try to grab her ring because it\u2019s sparkly and green. She resists my grip. It\u2019s a game. I beam up into her face and hope she keeps playing.<\/p>\n \u201cHe really makes eye contact a lot,\u201d says Grandmommy to Mommy.<\/p>\n \u201cI noticed.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAvey is the same age and he won\u2019t sit still for a moment to look at anybody\u2019s face,\u201d Grandmommy continues. \u201cBoys this age are usually all action. This little ducky acts more like Siret, sweet little thing.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIf you want proof he\u2019s a boy, feel free to take the next turn changing his nappies.\u201d<\/p>\n Grandmommy laughs. I make the same noise with my voice.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Two<\/strong><\/p>\n Mommy runs in the door and throws her arms around Daddy. I look up from playing with the bread dough. Something\u2019s going on. They\u2019re laughing. Her feet have dust on them.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ll take that as a yes,\u201d says Daddy, talking into Mommy\u2019s hair. I drop the dough and stand up. I want to laugh too, but I also want to know why we\u2019re laughing, because I didn\u2019t see anything funny.<\/p>\n \u201cLook, he\u2019s curious,\u201d says Daddy. \u201cGo on, tell him the news.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHe won\u2019t know what it means,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n \u201cOf course not,\u201d says Daddy, \u201cbut he\u2019ll only start talking if we talk to him first.\u201d<\/p>\n Mommy drops to her knees and grabs my shoulders like something is very important. I\u2019m paying attention.<\/p>\n \u201cMommy\u2019s going to have a baby,\u201d she says. \u201cYou\u2019re going to be a big brother, Lihill. You\u2019re going to have your own baby sister.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSister?\u201d echoes my daddy. \u201cThey said it would be a girl?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThey did.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThey\u2019re not always right.\u201d<\/p>\n Mommy gives him a look. \u201cNobody\u2019s always right. But don\u2019t look so disappointed. You already got your son.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Three<\/strong><\/p>\n \u201cI wanna go with Mommy,\u201d I say, ready to cry, but Daddy won\u2019t let go of my hand.<\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019re not allowed over there, son. Ladies only past the curtain.\u201d<\/p>\n I hear my baby sister crying on the other side while the women sing and ring their bells. It\u2019s not fair. Cyani just got here a couple days ago. She shouldn\u2019t be allowed to do what I\u2019m not even allowed to do. I\u2019m older! Why is she so special?<\/p>\n Daddy picks me up. \u201cI know you miss Mommy,\u201d he says sternly, \u201cbut you\u2019ll see her after the ceremony. Now come on.\u201d<\/p>\n I don\u2019t miss Mommy. I just want to be on that side of the curtain.<\/p>\n Daddy takes me out back with all the husbands and brothers and uncles and granddads. The torches are lit and there\u2019s a fire in the middle pit. It smells good, but it\u2019s scary to me. Dad sets me down on the log next to Uncle Eliak, who pats my shoulder and tries to hold me still when I start fidgeting.<\/p>\n I watch the drumming and chanting, and watch the two priests casting blessings for my sister. The Flame priest in red yells a lot while he\u2019s writing the blessings on curled sheets of rice paper. I don\u2019t understand what he\u2019s saying. The Wind priest in gold is quieter, and when he swings his rod the winds pluck the tiny scrolls from the Flame priest\u2019s hands and they fly into the central bonfire. I don\u2019t know why doing this is supposed to help my new sister with anything, but when I ask questions they always say \u201cIt\u2019s just what we do.\u201d<\/p>\n When it\u2019s over, I ask Uncle Eliak whether I got a blessing like this, back before I could remember, when I was new.<\/p>\n \u201cOf course, kid.\u201d He tells me about my own naming ceremony, describing the smoke and ash and the ritual that welcomed me into the world of Fire and Air. I\u2019d emerged choking and red-faced and covered with soot, fighting like a baby boy is supposed to, evermore the child of the gods. It sounds like a story that should belong to someone else.<\/p>\n Who decided I had to be a fighter? Who decided to give me a boy\u2019s naming ceremony? I want a sand blanket and herbal bath like they said Cyani is getting.<\/p>\n Who do I have to tell to get this changed?<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Four<\/strong><\/p>\n My new friend Mymei invites me to her house after play group. After we eat some wafers, she brings me out to her yard, where she has her own play hut behind the sheep pen. We run up under the grass canopy and try to think of a game.<\/p>\n \u201cLet\u2019s play grown-ups,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n \u201cThat sounds fun,\u201d I agree.<\/p>\n Mymei goes around the hut telling me which part is the kitchen and which part is the pretend hearth and which part is the baby\u2019s room. When she holds up a cloth doll and sets it on its leaf-pile cradle, I tell her I\u2019m good at taking care of babies because I have a little sister.<\/p>\n \u201cLet\u2019s play she\u2019s asleep, so we don\u2019t have to take care of her yet,\u201d she says. \u201cHow about let\u2019s play it\u2019s dinnertime. I\u2019ll make a dinner and you go pretend you\u2019re at work. Then come home and I feed it to you.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat do I pretend my work is?\u201d<\/p>\n She regards me seriously. \u201cWhatever you want. Whatever your dad does.\u201d<\/p>\n I scowl. \u201cWhy does it gotta be what my dad<\/em> does?\u201d<\/p>\n She shrugs. \u201c\u2019Cause I\u2019m doing what my mom does? And you\u2019re the daddy.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m not the daddy!\u201d I shout.<\/p>\n \u201cI know not really<\/em>,\u201d Mymei says, laughing. \u201cWe\u2019re just pretending.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThen why can\u2019t you <\/em>pretend to be the daddy?\u201d<\/p>\n She sniffs, sounding annoyed. \u201cI\u2019m a girl<\/em>, Lihill.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhy can\u2019t we both be mommies, then?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cBecause it doesn\u2019t work that way. And you\u2019re a boy. Boys are daddies.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWell I don\u2019t want that. I want to be a mommy.\u201d<\/p>\n She gives me a sideways look, then walks over and picks up her doll. She gives it to me.<\/p>\n \u201cI guess I can make dinner and you can take care of the baby.\u201d<\/p>\n I relax, and give her a grin before picking up the baby on my hip. It\u2019s too small to feel like a real baby, but I pretend it is crying and sing to it like I do with my sister. Mymei laughs as she stirs pretend soup.<\/p>\n \u201cWe\u2019re a good team,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n \u201cYeah.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Five<\/strong><\/p>\n \u201cCut his hair. He looks like a little girl.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHe says he doesn\u2019t want me to.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHis troop will make fun of him. . . .\u201d<\/p>\n They talk about me like I can\u2019t hear them, or like I don\u2019t understand.<\/p>\n Daddy opens the back door noisily. \u201cIf your son comes home with a black eye, it\u2019ll be your fault.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo, if our son comes home with a black eye it\u2019ll be a bully\u2019s fault. Besides, who would hit such a sweet little boy?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAnybody who thinks little boys aren\u2019t supposed to be \u2018sweet.\u2019\u201d Daddy slams the door and I hear his boots stomping outside. Maybe he\u2019s going out to burn our rubbish like he sometimes does when he\u2019s mad. When he lights things on fire with his hands it scares me. I come through the curtain once he\u2019s gone. Mommy sees me but I don\u2019t say anything.<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t know what you heard,\u201d she says, collecting me against her hip, \u201cbut nobody\u2019s going to give you a black eye. You\u2019ll be fine.\u201d<\/p>\n I nod and touch my hair. It seems unbelievable that anyone would want to hit me just because they don\u2019t like my hair, but it\u2019s true that people act in all kinds of terrible ways if I want things girls want and do things girls do. One day they\u2019ll see I\u2019m supposed to be doing those things.<\/p>\n Mommy gathers up Cyani and we take the ferry across the river for my first day of troop, where I\u2019m introduced to the master and given a seat on a bench. I\u2019m in a motley collection of boys about my age. This doesn\u2019t look good.<\/p>\n A man dressed in the same kind of crimson robe my father wears during rituals gets up in front of our group and tells us all about how we\u2019ll be attending troop thrice a week to learn how to be men. I already want to leave and find something better to do, but I don\u2019t have a choice because \u201cthis is just what we do.\u201d The crimson-robed man tells us all about our proud future and the choices we have before us, claiming our studies here will prepare us for apprenticeship and becoming future heads of household. I feel like I\u2019m not really here, or like I\u2019m seeing something I\u2019m not supposed to see. I\u2019m invisible and the crimson-robed man is talking through me.<\/p>\n Next a man in gold takes the stage, leaning on his pale wooden walking stick. He tells us our first year will focus on reading stories, learning dances and chants, and gathering information on our elemental studies. In about a year\u2014the summer after we turn six\u2014we\u2019ll have to decide whether we\u2019d like to take the path of the Wind or the path of the Flame. Most of us have the ability to learn either talent, he says, but choosing a track will hone our personalities and prime us for work that will fall in line with our temperaments and our inclinations.<\/p>\n \u201cAny questions?\u201d asks the priest.<\/p>\n I want to know. I want to demand an answer to why I\u2019m not offered a chance to claim a blue robe like my mother\u2019s, or a green one like my grandmother\u2019s. Why are the gold and crimson robes my only options? I have questions, all right.<\/p>\n But for the first time, I feel ashamed of what I want to say. I can\u2019t speak it. I wonder, in a deep pit in my head, whether something is horribly wrong with me since I don\u2019t want what I\u2019m supposed to want. I stare at the two men as they carry on with enthusiasm about our future, and I\u2019m terrified by the idea of becoming like them. What if everyone\u2019s right and I really am going to be that someday?<\/em><\/p>\n What am I really?<\/em><\/p>\n <\/p>\n Six<\/strong><\/p>\n Mymei and Cyani and I are playing grown-ups in the backyard when Daddy gets home and takes a peek at us. I feel like something bad might happen when I notice how much his face looks like a thundercloud.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat\u2019re you kids playing?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m a grown-up!\u201d chirps Cyani. She\u2019s pretending to wash dishes. We\u2019re running our own play house again: I\u2019m cooking the meal and Mymei is taking care of the babies. Today we have twin dolls. I glance up and meet my father\u2019s eyes, then just nonchalantly turn back to the cups full of rocks that I\u2019m preparing as delicious food.<\/p>\n \u201cCome here, Lihill.\u201d<\/p>\n My hands shake and I put down my stick-spoon. I trot up to my father pretending I don\u2019t know he\u2019s upset, but it\u2019s hard to hold my fear in.<\/p>\n \u201cIf you want to play a game,\u201d he says, \u201cmaybe you should find some other boys to play with. You shouldn\u2019t be playing at cooking and keeping house.\u201d<\/p>\n I shrug and look away. \u201cIt\u2019s just a game, Daddy.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou know that when you grow up, your wife will keep the house. Right?\u201d<\/p>\n I just look at the ground, stomach churning. I\u2019m not sure which is worse: the expectation of being a husband, or the idea of having a wife. I bite my lip and try not to cry. That\u2019s when my mother charges out onto the deck and takes my father\u2019s arm.<\/p>\n \u201cWhy are you yelling at him?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m not yelling!\u201d<\/p>\n My mother glances at me, then out at Mymei and my sister. She gracefully ducks back inside and pulls my father with her. He doesn\u2019t resist her summons but he\u2019s certainly not done arguing. I sit down in the dirt between the other girls and listen. They stand on either side of me, motionless as statues. The walls are too thin to protect us from my parents\u2019 conversation.<\/p>\n \u201cHe plays with girls too much. He\u2019s getting to think he is one,\u201d says my father. \u201cDid you see what he was doing?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cChildren play games, Alet. It\u2019s not a crime. He\u2019ll grow out of it.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNot if you and everyone else don\u2019t stop coddling him. He\u2019s soft\u2014he needs some toughening up if you ever expect him to have a normal life.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHe likes plenty of things other boys like. I\u2019ve seen him throwing pinecones at targets and climbing trees, just like any boy does. And he dances with the men at holidays just fine. He can like a few feminine things without you trying to shame him over it.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhen kids play, they\u2019re preparing for life. I don\u2019t approve of what he\u2019s preparing for.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWell what do you suggest I do about it?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cGet him to make friends with other boys. Get his cousin over here\u2014Avey\u2019s the same age, and he <\/em>knows how to be a boy. Get him around some regular kids.\u201d<\/p>\n My mother is silent for a moment, and then she says, more quietly, \u201cThis better not be about the track he picked, Alet.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat\u2019s that got to do with it?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHe\u2019s around other boys all day at his troop. Do you think they don\u2019t count as \u2018regular kids\u2019 just because his troopmates wear gold?\u201d<\/p>\n I look at the ground and feel myself blushing. I never wanted to pick Fire or <\/em>Air, but at least Air seems gentler, with less yelling, and I don\u2019t mind playing the pipes.<\/p>\n \u201cYou can\u2019t turn him into something he\u2019s not,\u201d my mother continues. \u201cSome boys aren\u2019t as aggressive, and it\u2019s fine. We need both kinds of men to keep our ways alive. So stop letting your Flame pride get in the way of letting your son be what he is. He probably won\u2019t change his mind, and you\u2019re just going to have to face it.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cJust make sure he keeps his options open,\u201d my dad barks back, \u201cand if he\u2019s got to grow up to swing a wand, so be it. I just don\u2019t want him missing the chance to walk in his father\u2019s footsteps.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI think you should stop worrying about it,\u201d she says, \u201cand let Lihill worry about Lihill. No matter what he chooses, neither art is less of a man.\u201d<\/p>\n I hear my father\u2019s heavy footfalls punctuating his stalk away from my mother, with no final words to acknowledge that she\u2019s won that round. My mother generally does come out on top whenever they lock horns like this. It\u2019s natural that Water would have an easy time putting down the Fire.<\/p>\n Cyani is only a little kid, but even she can tell I need a hug. When she crouches and embraces me I can\u2019t help but cry, and Mymei puts her arm around me too.<\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019ll be all right,\u201d she says. \u201cYou don\u2019t have to be a Flame just \u2019cause your dad wants you to. Wind is just as good!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t want to be Wind either,\u201d I hear myself saying.<\/p>\n \u201cThen why\u2019d you pick it?\u201d she asks, pulling back somewhat while Cyani just keeps hugging me and holding my hand.<\/p>\n \u201cThey only gave me those two to choose from, but I\u2019d rather be something else.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cLike what?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201c. . . They keep saying boys can\u2019t study Water.\u201d<\/p>\n She nods, slowly. \u201cYeah . . . you do always say you wish you were a girl.\u201d<\/p>\n She doesn\u2019t understand. It\u2019s not really that I wish I was a girl. It\u2019s that I don\u2019t understand why the world sees a boy when they look at me.<\/p>\n Seven<\/strong><\/p>\n \u201cLet me see it, then,\u201d Mymei says.<\/p>\n \u201cJust me?\u201d I don\u2019t really want to dance by myself.<\/p>\n \u201cWell, it\u2019s not like I can do it with you,\u201d she says. \u201cCome on, you can show me, right?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOnly if you\u2019ll show me one of yours next.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cDeal.\u201d<\/p>\n Since we\u2019re at Mymei\u2019s house I don\u2019t have to worry that my dad is going to catch me showing Air dances to a girl. I look around for a stick that\u2019s big enough to be a walking stick height for me, but I don\u2019t see any and decide I\u2019ll just pretend. Mymei and I have been pretending forever; she\u2019ll understand. I take my first stance and relax.<\/p>\n Imagining pipe music and muted drums, I show my best friend the dance I\u2019ve been bragging about. Even though it\u2019s supposed to be a boy\u2019s dance, I have to admit I really love doing it. It\u2019s a very fast dance, and all the foot-drumming and rod-banging is supposed to call up energy to be fed to the gods. When we\u2019re older, we\u2019ll learn to train that energy into controlling our elements, but as kids all we can do is go through the motions. I like motions. But I don\u2019t know how to give my energy to any gods at the end. I feel like they don\u2019t know I\u2019m here.<\/p>\n With my final spin completed, I pretend to bang a stick into the sand. Mymei claps her hands politely. \u201cYou\u2019re really good at this,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n \u201cThanks. Now you.\u201d<\/p>\n I watch my friend sort of hungrily as she clambers up and assumes her first stance. Even if I didn\u2019t know Mymei had decided to study Water, I would have felt it from seeing her dance: she flows between her positions, without so much stopping and starting. She spins and waves, and the calmness and grace of her dance make it look like there\u2019s no ground beneath her. I\u2019m too breathless to applaud when she drifts to a stop.<\/p>\n \u201cThat was beautiful,\u201d I say finally, and there are tears in my eyes. She bends over me, puzzled.<\/p>\n \u201cOh, please, it wasn\u2019t that <\/em>great. You\u2019re a much better dancer.\u201d<\/p>\n I shake my head. \u201cIt doesn\u2019t matter.\u201d What I can\u2019t seem to say is how much it hurts to watch her embrace the element I\u2019m not allowed to touch.<\/p>\n Mymei just nods, embarrassed, sitting back down in the dirt with me.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat do they tell you to think about?\u201d I ask her.<\/p>\n \u201cYou mean when we dance?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYeah.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWell, the goddess, of course.\u201d She pops up on her knees and crawls over to the play hut\u2019s single wicker table, where she picks up a doll that looks nicer than her other ones. She hands it to me.<\/p>\n \u201cWho\u2019s this?\u201d I ask.<\/p>\n \u201cThat\u2019s my goddess doll. We made them at troop. Don\u2019t you guys make gods?\u201d<\/p>\n I nod. \u201cWe carve them from wood, though.\u201d We\u2019ve made plenty of god dolls\u2014figures, mostly, from animals to men and mixtures of both, and even strange things like horn-shaped spirit-catchers and triangle talismans. I never thought they were important. I wonder now if that\u2019s disrespectful. And I wonder whether I might get better at dances and pipes\u2014and enjoy them more\u2014if I could really feel like I\u2019m being seen and heard.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat is she made out of?\u201d I ask Mymei, indicating the doll.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m not sure,\u201d she says. \u201cWe just did what the mistresses said. They gave us the cloth and the filling, and I think those braids must be corn silk.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cDo you know where I could get the stuff to make my own? Or . . . can I have yours?\u201d<\/p>\n She draws back. \u201cWhy do you want my doll?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019d like to have a goddess doll, that\u2019s all.\u201d I look down at the doll again. \u201cAnd I guess people would ask questions if I tried to get stuff to make one.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ll think about it,\u201d she says, guarded, and I accept that grudgingly and let her have it back.<\/p>\n \u201cHey Mymei, at your troop, do they ever say why there\u2019s hundreds of gods but only one goddess?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cUm . . . well, I guess they didn\u2019t exactly say, but the mistresses tell us there\u2019s only one Mother Earth, and that it\u2019s our goddess. She keeps everything going, and everything comes from her, and she\u2019s what everything centers around. Like the planet has a billion seeds but only one ground,\u201d she recites.<\/p>\n \u201cThat\u2019s funny,\u201d I say.<\/p>\n \u201cWhy\u2019s it funny?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOh, I don\u2019t mean the story is funny. I just think it\u2019s funny that . . . the way the guys tell it is different. They say there\u2019re so many gods because men need to be able to do so many different things, and girls only need one goddess because they all have the same job.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThe same job?\u201d she says, incredulous.<\/p>\n \u201cYeah, you know. How ladies keep the house and raise kids. And guys grow up and do all kinds of different work to support ladies.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWe do so many different things at home though! We can be healers, or seamstresses, or cooks, or wisdom keepers\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI know! Guys think they run the world.\u201d I don\u2019t know why even our masters at troop seem to think men are the only ones with lots of skills when we all see wives and mothers doing a hundred different tasks in the home every day, and some who don\u2019t have families make their living with their own trade.<\/p>\n Mymei speaks after a silence. \u201cSounds like boys and girls both think the other is the less important one.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s not fair.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cBut you don\u2019t think girls are less important, do you?\u201d<\/p>\n I shake my head. \u201cOf course not. Especially since I\u2019m not even really a boy.\u201d<\/p>\n Mymei doesn\u2019t protest\u2014she\u2019s used to the way I talk\u2014but she does look at me in a way I\u2019ve never seen her look before. Her gray eyes are almost critical.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat?\u201d I ask.<\/p>\n Instead of replying, Mymei reaches behind my head and pulls out the band that holds my ponytail together. I don\u2019t stop her when she fluffs my curls around my face and takes a good look at me.<\/p>\n \u201cYou look like a girl with your hair this way,\u201d she says, then grins. \u201cYou should keep it like this.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI do sometimes, when I\u2019m by myself at home. But my dad doesn\u2019t like it. He wants me to cut it short.\u201d<\/p>\n Surprising me, Mymei takes the little flower clip out of her own hair and puts it into mine. I wish I could see how it looks. \u201cIf you were wearing a dress right now,\u201d she says, \u201cI\u2019d definitely think you were a girl. So would everybody else, I bet.\u201d The smile fades from her face as she looks at me. \u201cBut I think that\u2019s \u2019cause we\u2019re kids. It\u2019ll be different when you\u2019re bigger. You might get a beard.\u201d<\/p>\n I just don\u2019t say anything because that idea makes me want to throw up.<\/p>\n Mymei and I get some more wafers and don\u2019t say much for the rest of our visit. I think about our talk, and about how she danced, and the thoughts of the goddess and the water movements wash into my dreams that night.<\/p>\n When I wake up in the morning, Mymei\u2019s goddess doll is next to me in my paillasse, and I grin and find a good hiding place for her. I don\u2019t know how Mymei got in without waking anyone up, but I have no words for the gratitude I feel toward her for risking it.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Eight<\/strong><\/p>\n Seeing my sister go off to the girls\u2019 troop is starting to be so painful that it\u2019s burning my insides.<\/p>\n Day after day I watch Cyani hop off the ferry and run in the opposite direction, off to learn about Water and Earth and to have her pick of either when she gets old enough. She gets to learn those dances and sing those songs and listen to those stories about the goddess. And I bet she never feels like the goddess can\u2019t hear her voice.<\/p>\n I sit outside in our hammock after troop, pretending to read but just staring into space. It startles me when my mother slides in beside me.<\/p>\n \u201cYou look like a boy with something on his mind,\u201d she says lightly. I scowl and turn away, but she puts her arm around me and I can\u2019t bring myself to pull apart from her.<\/p>\n \u201cYou can tell me, Lihill,\u201d she says. \u201cWhat\u2019s bothering you?\u201d<\/p>\n I shut my book. \u201cI think I don\u2019t want to go to troop anymore.\u201d<\/p>\n She chuckles. \u201cWhy?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s not right. Nothing\u2019s right.\u201d<\/p>\n She thinks for a moment before speaking. \u201cWhat would you change about it?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNothing,\u201d I say. My mother strokes my ponytailed hair while I nurse my silence, and I feel strongly that she wants me to talk about what\u2019s bothering me, but what can I tell her that will make any sense?<\/p>\n \u201cIf there\u2019s nothing you\u2019d change, then why don\u2019t you want to keep going to troop?\u201d she asks.<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t think it needs to change. It\u2019s fine for everybody else, but I wish I could go to a different one.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat do you mean?\u201d<\/p>\n I close my eyes and experience a sudden burst of courage. I decide to say it. \u201cI want to go with Cyani to her troop.\u201d<\/p>\n My mother stops petting my hair, fingers frozen in my curls.<\/p>\n \u201cYou know you can\u2019t do that, right?\u201d she asks quietly.<\/p>\n I turn and look up. \u201cWhy can\u2019t I? Why not? Why not?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cBoys can\u2019t go to girls\u2019 troop, Lihill. You don\u2019t get to pick and choose what you are.\u201d<\/p>\n My hands make fists, letting my book fall out of the hammock. \u201cI didn\u2019t choose! I didn\u2019t try to! I just am.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou are what?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cMom, I\u2019m not a boy. I\u2019m really not.\u201d<\/p>\n She doesn\u2019t know what to say to that. Neither do I. We\u2019re sitting close enough that I can feel my mother\u2019s heartbeat pick up speed, and it makes me angry. If she thinks this is hard for her, how does she think I feel? I lunge forward and dump myself out of the hammock, leaving her sitting in it by herself.<\/p>\n She catches my wrist before I can run away and hide.<\/p>\n \u201cThis has to stop, Lihill.\u201d<\/p>\n My eyes are burning. \u201cYes it does!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cListen to me. You\u2019re only eight years old. You\u2019ll feel differently when you grow up. I promise. You\u2019ll get more comfortable with what being a man means. You\u2019ll grow into it. You\u2019ll see.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo I won\u2019t!\u201d How would she <\/em>have liked being told she\u2019d be a man one day?<\/p>\n \u201cPlease listen to me, son.\u201d She drops my hand but I don\u2019t run away. I just hold my arms around myself, shivering. She goes on. \u201cWe don\u2019t get to pick how we\u2019re born. You\u2019ll get used to your tasks and you\u2019ll find something you love. You\u2019re doing great at your Wind tasks and I\u2019m sure your element will call you strongly when you reach your tenth year. You\u2019ll feel it and you\u2019ll embrace it.\u201d She has her hand over her heart. I feel cold.<\/p>\n \u201cCan\u2019t I just go to troop with Cyani for a little while?\u201d I ask, with my voice cracking. \u201cTo see if that calls me instead?\u201d<\/p>\n Her face hardens. \u201cNo. They won\u2019t allow it.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201c\u2018They\u2019 who? Who do I have to ask?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cJust never mind that idea, Lihill.\u201d She stands up too, leaving the hammock swinging. \u201cYou\u2019ll see one day that this is the right path for you. As you grow up you\u2019ll find your own special way to be a man, and no, honey, that doesn\u2019t mean you have to be a tough guy, no matter what your father says.\u201d She tries for a smile. \u201cThere are plenty of mild-mannered, gentle men in this world. Some of them even have long hair.\u201d With an awkward smile, she reaches to touch my head, but I duck and back up.<\/p>\n \u201cI love you just the way you are,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n I turn away from her and run.<\/p>\n Once I\u2019m hiding in the corner of the bottom room clutching my goddess doll, I let myself cry. I look at my goddess doll and think about growing up. It seems ridiculous that I won\u2019t mature into a woman one day. My mother did. My sister will. But I have to turn into a man, and they expect me to just accept it?<\/p>\n I hug my doll. The goddess will know what I need. When it happens, I\u2019ll finally be able to start my life.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Nine<\/strong><\/p>\n \u201cWhen your tenth birthday comes, you boys will have your first chance to demonstrate competence in the element of your choice,\u201d says the Flame priest, addressing the mixed group of Air and Fire nine-year-olds.<\/p>\n The element of my choice, huh?<\/em><\/p>\n I listen to the master explain the training we\u2019ll be going through during the year. We can only pursue apprenticeship if we can command an element during our trial. If we fail, we\u2019re in for a year of reevaluation, practicing our energy-raising techniques, exploring, and waiting for our next birthday before we can audition again.<\/p>\n \u201cYou don\u2019t want to hit your teenage years without passing, or you could end up a burden on your parents,\u201d warns the priest.<\/p>\n I raise my hand with a question, heart pounding.<\/p>\n \u201cYes, Lihill?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou said \u2018the element of our choice.\u2019 What element we pick is totally up to us?\u201d<\/p>\n The priest studies me. \u201cWell, yes,\u201d he says. \u201cOf course, we encourage you to pursue the element you\u2019ve been training in so far, but you\u2019re not barred from switching. If, in the eleventh hour, it\u2019s Fire that calls to you instead of Air, you should listen, and we\u2019ll try to prepare you.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThat\u2019s not what I meant,\u201d I say. My heartbeat is rattling my teeth. But despite not relating to the element itself, I feel the fire in my veins. I have to do something before I get trapped into this way of life forever. Admitting what I want can\u2019t possibly turn out worse for me than letting circumstances force me to be a man.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat\u2019s your question?\u201d the priest asks, confused.<\/p>\n \u201cI want to know if I can audition for Water.\u201d<\/p>\n I can practically feel the air pulling away from me as the troop boys draw involuntary breaths. The priest cocks his head, then grins like I\u2019m joking. \u201cInteresting question. No, female elements aren\u2019t an option for boys.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat about for me?\u201d<\/p>\n He actually laughs. \u201cYou\u2019re not an exception, Lihill. You\u2019re a boy, aren\u2019t you?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNope.\u201d<\/p>\n My head is swimming. Because I can\u2019t believe I\u2019m actually saying this in front of everybody. I try to act like this is a matter of fact\u2014try to act as steadfast and self-righteously certain as any girl would if she were asked to try to be a man. But really, I know it\u2019s not the same. I know they all see a boy on the outside and don\u2019t understand how there can be a girl on the inside. They think I\u2019m being ridiculous.<\/p>\n The priest doesn\u2019t seem to know what to say, so I say another thing.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019d like to get moved to the girls\u2019 troop, please.\u201d<\/p>\n Clearly dumbfounded, the Flame priest clears his throat and wipes his hands on his crimson robe. After a couple moments of strained silence, he shakes his head.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ll have a word with your parents later, Lihill. All right, anyone else have questions?\u201d<\/p>\n I\u2019m flooded with hope and trepidation. He\u2019ll talk to my parents? Does that mean he might actually ask my parents for permission to put me where I belong? Or does that mean he\u2019s going to advise my parents to do something drastic because their messed-up son thinks he\u2019s a girl?<\/p>\n After the day\u2019s activities are over, I\u2019m too nervous to get up. I can\u2019t stall too long because my mother will be waiting to bring my sister and me back across the river, but my knees are watery. I take a few deep breaths to try to gather some strength to stand.<\/p>\n \u201cHe actually does look like a girl,\u201d says a voice, and I turn. Three of my gold troopmates are looking at me. I\u2019m not friendly with anyone from troop, but I know who they are. After seeing their expressions, I quickly break eye contact.<\/p>\n \u201cYeah, you\u2019re awful pretty,\u201d says another voice. \u201cHow about a kiss, Lihill?\u201d He makes smooching noises while the other two laugh. Oh, great<\/em>. I should have expected this. I\u2019ve been mentally preparing for the inevitable harassment from my father, but now I\u2019ve got to deal with these guys too. Keeping quiet as long as I did was my only protection, and now that\u2019s gone.<\/p>\n \u201cThanks for the compliment,\u201d I say lightly, and stand up as confident as I can. Oddly enough, I don\u2019t feel flattered by being called pretty. They\u2019re not saying it because they believe it.<\/p>\n I pick up my stuff and start to walk away, but one of the boys grabs the strap on my bag and yanks me back. He dumps the contents of my bag on the ground.<\/p>\n \u201cHey!\u201d I yell.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat, no lip paints? Where\u2019s your hairbrush?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cJust leave me alone.\u201d<\/p>\n The boy who took my bag is standing over my possessions like he wants me to come and get them, and I\u2019m pretty hopping mad, so I\u2019m brave enough to do it. So much for Wind students being the mild-mannered ones. I advance toward him and try to get my stuff out from under his feet, but he takes a swing at me. I dodge and he misses.<\/p>\n \u201cWow, not bad for a pansy.\u201d He laughs.<\/p>\n \u201cShut up.\u201d<\/p>\n This time he doesn\u2019t bother to actually hit me. He just grabs my shoulders and shoves me, and I end up on the ground. I try to pretend it doesn\u2019t hurt. I\u2019m shaking, but it\u2019s more with anger than with fear.<\/p>\n \u201cHey, great job today making everyone think Air kids are sissies,\u201d says one of the boys. \u201cLike we really need more of that.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYeah, really,\u201d adds another bully. \u201cWhy don\u2019t you change your name to \u2018She<\/em>-hill\u2019?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cLet\u2019s kick him between the legs,\u201d says the ringleader, \u201cand maybe he\u2019ll remember he\u2019s a boy.\u201d Before I can stand up one of the boys drags me to my feet and traps my arms behind my back. I\u2019m almost strong enough to get away, but he keeps twisting my arm so I can\u2019t. I let out a scream, not caring what they\u2019ll think.<\/p>\n I see the foot swinging my way and I turn sharply to the side like a dance move, catching it on my calf. Somehow I get one of my arms free, and before I can even think I\u2019m gritting my teeth and swinging at him.<\/p>\n \u201cHahaha, what kind of a girl does that?\u201d<\/p>\n I don\u2019t answer and shove him weakly, but then when I manage to get an elbow in his stomach I almost think I\u2019m holding my own. It doesn\u2019t take long before they overpower me and pin me to the ground, but it doesn\u2019t hurt\u2014it almost feels good to just let my fury out through my fists. I manage to leave marks on all three of them by the time our shouts bring the adults.<\/p>\n Girls can fight. It\u2019s silly to pretend we can\u2019t.<\/p>\n After they break up the fight, one of my priests gets my mother and they walk me back to the ferry, with Cyani tiptoeing next to us, concerned. I\u2019m dirty and disgusted but feeling like I stood up for myself in more than one way today. It\u2019s like I really had nothing left to lose, so nothing can really hurt me now. The priest still wants a conference with my parents, and I have a terrible feeling everyone thinks I brought the fight on myself.<\/p>\n I hate that they see me hurting and want to hurt me more.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Ten<\/strong><\/p>\n Despite my appeals, my well-placed pleading, and even my outright begging during the past year, my requests to audition for Water or Earth have all been rejected. My mother made exasperated sounds every time I asked about it, and whenever I tried to prove what a good girl I would be by doing household chores for my mom, I got snapped at and told to go help my father.<\/p>\n I even tried to make a blue robe for myself, with Mymei secretly teaching me some girls-only sewing techniques, but my father caught Cyani and me working on it at home and punished both of us. I should have known he wouldn\u2019t believe the robe was for Cyani. Why would someone so happy with the Earth track be making a blue robe? She stopped helping me after she got in trouble that time. She doesn\u2019t want me around when she spends time with \u201creal\u201d girls from troop.<\/p>\n And now I\u2019m ten, with a future that feels a lot more gray than gold. Everyone keeps saying that going through the motions of auditioning for Air will help me transform into the man I\u2019m \u201csupposed\u201d to be. I don\u2019t think that is going to happen. And yet, a transformation did take place today. I woke up this morning with short hair. My mother chopped off my ponytail while I was sleeping.<\/p>\n \u201cFor my own good,\u201d of course.<\/p>\n I try to approach the altar looking like I haven\u2019t spent the morning crying.<\/p>\n I hate standing here in this yellow robe. I hate that I\u2019m holding a wooden walking stick and not a set of bells. I hate the feeling of the severed ends of my hair tickling the back of my neck. I think I hate myself. And now I have to pretend that I want a Wind god to bless me and accept me as his own. As if I can fool a deity. As if I\u2019m fooling anyone.<\/p>\n A priest beckons me and tells me to begin my dance. I feel beaten and humiliated and completely without a choice, so I do what I\u2019m told. Even though I don\u2019t want <\/em>to master Air, I do love this beautiful dance, and I do love the simple pleasure of building my energy. When I mark the end of my dance with a half-hearted shout and a downward stab of my stick, the lead Air master is impressed.<\/p>\n \u201cVery nice energy you have there,\u201d he says, and I nod. \u201cGo on through.\u201d<\/p>\n I end up in another room with a single priest. He hands me a wand. I\u2019ve never held a real wand before since it\u2019s forbidden for pre-audition children to use these tools or learn their secrets, so even though I don\u2019t want to be an Air dedicant, I\u2019m sort of awed about holding it. The priest reads my expression and tells me this is the moment of truth. If I\u2019m acceptable to the gods, I should be able to send my energy through this little stick of wood and summon an actual breeze. I don\u2019t know if I want to succeed or fail. Both options seem terrible.<\/p>\n When I hold the wand aloft and summon my energy, I really do try, but nothing \u201ccatches\u201d like I\u2019ve been told about. Nothing lifts me up and comes out in the form of a breeze. Nothing about the wand I\u2019m holding recognizes who I am.<\/p>\n So I put it down.<\/p>\n The priest makes me try the whole process again. He expects me to be disappointed and a little distraught, I guess, but I\u2019m not. I just feel sort of blank. This time, just on the off chance it will work, I imagine offering myself to the goddess instead of one of the gods, but she doesn\u2019t answer me either. And of course not. What would she have anything to do with bringing out one of the male elements?<\/p>\n I\u2019m dismissed with condolences, told to pray and train and keep my chin up, and wished better luck next year. On my way home I wonder whether my father will insist that next year I audition for Fire. How can he not see I should be its opposite?<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Eleven<\/strong><\/p>\n Maybe Cyani and her friends don\u2019t realize that sound carries through the floor, and maybe they just don\u2019t care if someone overhears.<\/p>\n \u201cIf you ask me, your brother should stop trying to be something he isn\u2019t,\u201d says Cyani\u2019s friend Haliya. She talks through her nose, so it\u2019s easy to recognize her voice.<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s not like he tries <\/em>to fail,\u201d my sister counters.<\/p>\n \u201cStill. If he\u2019s failed Air for the second year in a row he really needs to face it and try Fire already. Does he hate the idea of being like your dad that much?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYeah, really,\u201d says Cyani\u2019s other friend Suhi. \u201cHe shouldn\u2019t be so immature. It\u2019s going to make you look bad, Cyani.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cDon\u2019t talk about him like that,\u201d she says. \u201cThis is my <\/em>family you\u2019re making fun of here.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSorry, but, well, aren\u2019t you worried?\u201d asks Suhi.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m worried about how he\u2019ll feel if I pass my audition when I\u2019m ten, yes. I\u2019m supposed to be the little sister\u2014I shouldn\u2019t be the first one to get to apprenticeship.\u201d After a moment of silence, she continues: \u201cBut things aren\u2019t really fair for my brother, so don\u2019t make fun of him.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat\u2019s not fair about him?\u201d Haliya asks, sounding indignant.<\/p>\n \u201cWell, don\u2019t tell anyone I said this,\u201d she says, \u201cbut my brother wants to be a girl, and nobody will listen to him.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHe wants to be a girl<\/em>?\u201d squawks Haliya.<\/p>\n \u201cShhh! Yes. He says that\u2019s why he fails. Because he thinks he should be learning girl elements.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThat\u2019s sad,\u201d says Suhi, sounding like she means it. \u201cDo you ever think they made a mistake?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWho?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThe people who say it\u2019s a boy or a girl when a baby is born,\u201d says Suhi. \u201cMaybe it was hard to tell and they picked the wrong one? That happens sometimes.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t think so,\u201d says Cyani. \u201cI asked my mom about that once, though.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAbout what?\u201d asks Suhi.<\/p>\n \u201cIf she was sure Lihill\u2019s a boy.\u201d<\/p>\n Well that\u2019s news to me. I keep listening to the girls talking above me.<\/p>\n \u201cWhen we were really little I guess it confused me that everyone said \u2018he\u2019 when they talked about Lihill, because I really thought he acted more like a girl and wouldn\u2019t let anyone cut his hair. But my mom said he has all the boy parts.\u201d<\/p>\n Haliya giggles. \u201cDid you check?\u201d<\/p>\n Cyani makes a weird noise that sounds half offended and half disgusted. \u201cGross! Who asks their older brother to pull down his pants?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIf he really wants to be a girl, at least somebody <\/em>should double check.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWell, my mom says he\u2019ll grow out of wanting to be a girl, but I dunno . . . he really doesn\u2019t want to do Air or Fire, and how can you pass an audition if you don\u2019t even want it?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWell,\u201d says Haliya, \u201cthere\u2019s no way a priestess would test him on girl elements. That\u2019s just not right.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWell what do you think he\u2019s supposed to do?\u201d asks Cyani. \u201cHe can\u2019t help how he thinks. He\u2019s pretended like he\u2019s a girl as long as I can remember. It\u2019s just how he is.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWell, if he doesn\u2019t want to live with your parents the rest of his life,\u201d says Haliya, \u201che\u2019d better either figure out Air or Fire, or just leave the community and live with people who don\u2019t practice elements. Some places in the world have tons of people who have no elements, ya know, and on the outside they actually let those people learn trades.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t want my brother to leave!\u201d Cyani barks.<\/p>\n \u201cHe might just have to, \u2019cause nobody\u2019s going to take an apprentice with no element alignment. You don\u2019t want him to just be useless, do you?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI actually think he does have an element,\u201d says my sister, \u201cand I wish they\u2019d let him try Water.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWater?\u201d repeats Haliya. \u201cThat\u2019s hilarious. Your brother is girlier than you are.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI know,\u201d sighs my sister. \u201cI don\u2019t see what it\u2019d hurt to let him try Water. He wants to be a girl so bad.\u201d<\/p>\n At this point I just can\u2019t listen anymore. I climb the ladder, walk over to the curtain and push it back. I glare at my sister and her two friends.<\/p>\n \u201cI can hear you,\u201d I say to their surprised faces. \u201cQuit saying I wish <\/em>I was a girl. I\u2019m not pretending. One day you\u2019ll see.\u201d<\/p>\n I drop the curtain and stride away before they can say anything, but Cyani is pretty fast. She bursts out and grabs my shoulder.<\/p>\n \u201cLihill!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWell, what?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m sorry, I don\u2019t know what you heard\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cEverything.\u201d I look past her at her two friends: petite preteen girls with their long hair and flower bracelets, pouting. \u201cI\u2019m sure my problem is I just hate my dad or something, and if I left it\u2019d be less trouble for everyone.\u201d I look at Cyani.<\/p>\n She sighs, her brown eyes peeking up at me through her eyelashes. \u201cI didn\u2019t mean anything bad! But, you know. It\u2019s hard if you . . . mostly look like a boy and keep saying you\u2019re a girl.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t care if it\u2019s \u2018hard\u2019 for you. What do you think it is for me?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIf you\u2019re \u2018actually\u2019 a girl, then why doesn\u2019t the rest of you match?\u201d<\/p>\n I just stare at her. And finally, I narrow my eyes. \u201cYou know what, Cyani? I think that\u2019s something you should ask the goddess.\u201d I spin around and head for the ladder, off to go anywhere but here. \u201cGo ahead and ask her,\u201d I call, \u201cbecause believe me, I do that every single day.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Twelve<\/strong><\/p>\n When my twelfth birthday comes, I end up failing Air for the third time. My parents pull some strings and get me tested for Fire during the same week, even though it means I have to learn the dance from my father. Fire is even less intuitive for me, and I feel nearly barbaric clutching a sword during the audition. I fail that task too, with relief, and end up with my parents sitting me down to ask what they\u2019re supposed to do with me.<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t know where this terrible attitude is coming from,\u201d my father says, \u201cbut you\u2019d better get it through your head that you have to grow up sometime. Are you failing your tasks on purpose?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo,\u201d I mumble.<\/p>\n \u201cThen why do you act like you don\u2019t even care if you pass or fail?\u201d<\/p>\n I just shrug.<\/p>\n \u201cYou should be ashamed of yourself,\u201d my father snaps, and I can\u2019t help but cringe. My mother puts her hand on his shoulder.<\/p>\n \u201cLet me try, Alet,\u201d she says. \u201cLihill, can you tell us . . . can you tell us what you want? What is it that will make you happy?\u201d<\/p>\n I look at her sharply. \u201cYou don\u2019t already know?\u201d<\/p>\n She sighs. \u201cI\u2019ve been telling myself you just have growing pains, but I just don\u2019t know anymore. All I know is I\u2019ve watched my son become more and more distant, more sullen, more angry as the years pass. I just don\u2019t know how to reach you, or what\u2019s making you act like this. What do you want?\u201d<\/p>\n I sit there looking at her, unable to believe she doesn\u2019t understand.<\/p>\n When I was eight, I told my mother in no uncertain terms that I\u2019m not a boy, and she acted like I was being silly.<\/p>\n When I was nine, I told my masters at troop and all it got me was a parental conference and a fist-fight.<\/p>\n When I was ten, my mother stole my hair from me and said it was for my own good.<\/p>\n My mother can\u2019t imagine why I don\u2019t have much of a desire to live my own future?<\/p>\n I can\u2019t say it in front of my father. I can\u2019t say \u201cI\u2019m a girl, and I want to audition for Water.\u201d I can\u2019t say \u201cI do want to grow up, but I want to become a woman, not a man.\u201d And I can\u2019t say I deserve a chance even though it seems impossible to them, because right now I really don\u2019t think I deserve much of anything. There\u2019s not much left of me to want with. I don\u2019t know whether it\u2019s worth it to hope, but I have to say something that won\u2019t get laughed at and insulted and dismissed. I lick my lips and tell my mother what I want.<\/p>\n \u201cI want to talk to somebody who\u2019ll listen.\u201d<\/p>\n Some days later I\u2019m loaded onto an unfamiliar ferry with my mother and we set off to see a wise woman. The lady we\u2019re going to see, an elder named Teinan, belongs to the same Water-aligned wisdom group that correctly predicted Cyani would be a girl. No one\u2019s ever told me whether the wise women guessed right for me\u2014or what would constitute \u201cright\u201d in my case.<\/p>\n For an elder, Teinan turns out to be not quite so old. She has long silver hair, but her face has yet to attain the relaxed multitude of wrinkles I\u2019d normally expect on anyone called \u201celder.\u201d My mother leaves me in her care and signs the written contract to obey whatever wisdom Teinan dispenses to the best of her ability. That makes me nervous. Wise women are really good herbalists. What if Teinan has a potion that forces me to learn to be a man, or orders my parents to exile me to unknown lands? Then again, what if she has the real answers?<\/p>\n \u201cCome on into the kitchen, dear,\u201d says Teinan once we\u2019re alone. \u201cWhat did you say your name was again?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m Lihill.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI say let\u2019s have some tea and wafers, Lihill.\u201d<\/p>\n Sitting at her blond wood table, Teinan and I chat about unrelated nonsense. She asks incidental questions about my family. She tells me my hair is a lovely color. She comments on the weather and discusses the temperature\u2019s effects on her moods. She asks about my likes and dislikes, and I find I have trouble discussing my tastes. So many of the things I love are either forbidden for me or marred by someone else\u2019s opinion on whether I should like them at all. I\u2019m finally able to say I love dancing and music and the goddess. She doesn\u2019t ask why I don\u2019t name a favorite god. I watch her hands with their slightly raised veins playing peek-a-boo in the sleeves of her silky light blue overcoat.<\/p>\n \u201cAre we supposed to be talking about why I\u2019m here?\u201d I ask finally.<\/p>\n She sits back, comfortable. \u201cWhy do you suppose you are <\/em>here?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cDidn\u2019t my parents say?\u201d<\/p>\n She smiles. \u201cNo. That\u2019s our job. Do you want to tell me about . . . what kind of push you need?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cA push?\u201d<\/p>\n Teinan flows into another relaxed position, glowing in the fading light from the window. \u201cPeople come to me when they can\u2019t find their path,\u201d she says. \u201cI\u2019m good at getting people to find the answers inside themselves.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOh. That sounds great. I do have the answers inside me.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWell of course you do. We all do, though we usually don\u2019t know it. How would you like to go about bringing yours from the inside to the outside, Lihill?\u201d<\/p>\n I shake my head and put my teacup on the table. \u201cI\u2019ve been telling people my answers all my life, and no one wants to listen. They think I\u2019m confused, or wrong, or pretending . . . but since you\u2019re supposed to be so wise, maybe you\u2019ll actually believe me.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIf what you say is true, I\u2019ll believe you, because I always believe the truth.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAll right.\u201d I sip my tea again, trying to figure out how to say this nonchalantly. \u201cUm, I . . . I\u2019m twelve years old and I\u2019ve failed four element tests. Three times for Air and once for Fire.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI see,\u201d she begins. I plow ahead.<\/p>\n \u201cMy sister passed her Earth audition on her tenth birthday. She\u2019s already apprenticing.\u201d I pause to think about Cyani in her pottery apprenticeship, wondering if she\u2019s happily learning to make dishes for the kitchens of our community as we speak. \u201cI should have passed an audition years ago,\u201d I say, \u201cbut I know exactly why I\u2019m failing. It\u2019s because I\u2019m meant to embrace Water.\u201d<\/p>\n Suddenly the position she flows into doesn\u2019t look quite as comfortable.<\/p>\n \u201cHmm,\u201d she says finally. \u201cPeculiar indeed. I don\u2019t know if this will make sense to you, Lihill, but . . . I\u2019m afraid Water is inherently feminine, and most emphatically so. Earth is female but closer to center, and elements wax masculine through Air and finally into Fire. That\u2019s how it\u2019s always been. I\u2019ve never seen a male person want to bond with Water.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou still haven\u2019t,\u201d I say. \u201cI\u2019m not a boy.\u201d<\/p>\n She mulls that over while sipping her tea.<\/p>\n Three sips later, she\u2019s ready to speak.<\/p>\n \u201cSo you feel your soul <\/em>is female and you were born in the wrong body.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWell, that\u2019s kind of right.\u201d I have mixed feelings about the concept of \u201cthe wrong body,\u201d but I can\u2019t verbalize it. I don\u2019t actually mind my body most of the time. But I definitely don\u2019t want to get a beard.<\/p>\n \u201cThat would explain a lot,\u201d she says, and she doesn\u2019t say what. She gets up and takes the dishes to her basin.<\/p>\n \u201cSo what should I do?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAbout?\u201d she asks, turning.<\/p>\n \u201cHow my parents . . . and everyone else . . . won\u2019t let me be who I am?\u201d I get out of my chair and scratch at my hair. \u201cSee this? My hair used to be a lot longer than this. I had long hair and my mom chopped it off before my first audition because she wanted me to look like a boy. She chopped it off while I was sleeping<\/em>. Because supposedly it was good for me.\u201d I make a fist and push it against my chest. \u201cHow is that good for me?\u201d<\/p>\n She smiles. \u201cWell, does having shorter hair stop you from being a girl?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOf course not! But she did it because . . . because. . .\u201d I trail off when I realize there are tears in my eyes, and I turn away, leaning on the table. \u201cI don\u2019t really know,\u201d I say. \u201cI don\u2019t understand why making me look like something I\u2019m not is supposed to be so good for me.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSo you really want to be a girl, Lihill?\u201d<\/p>\n I look up, still braced against the table edge. I don\u2019t have the energy for the passion I want to deliver, but I say it anyway. \u201cI already am<\/em>. What I \u2018want to be\u2019 is . . . seen.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat else do you want?\u201d she says, clearly sensing she\u2019s found the underground spring in my head. Well, she isn\u2019t a wise woman for nothing.<\/p>\n \u201cI want people to say \u2018she\u2019 instead of \u2018he.\u2019 I want Cyani to call me her sister, not her brother. I want to be a wife when I grow up. I want to be a mother, even though I don\u2019t see how I can. I want to take a Water apprenticeship. I want to have a future.\u201d I\u2019m panting when I\u2019m finished, and there are tears all over my face.<\/p>\n \u201cWell,\u201d says Teinan, and I brace myself for the inevitable backlash.<\/p>\n Silence reigns, except for my sniffles as I get myself under control.<\/p>\n I wipe my face and look at the Water elder. She\u2019s regarding me kindly, eyes holding a touch of confusion but her overall expression inviting me to trust her.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat do you say,\u201d she says, offering her hand, \u201cwe try giving you what you want, and see what you do with it?\u201d<\/p>\n In Teinan\u2019s sleeping quarters, she dresses me up.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m not only doing this for you,\u201d she says. \u201cIt\u2019s for me, too. I think I just need some help if I\u2019m going to treat you like a girl.\u201d<\/p>\n I don\u2019t even care that what she says rubs me the wrong way. I can\u2019t get over how ecstatic I feel at putting on these elegant, silky clothes that really fit me. I\u2019m in a dress. I\u2019m wearing a dress.<\/p>\n Next, Teinan makes me sit on a little stool while she combs out my hair. Then she takes an iron from near the fire and presses my hair to get rid of its tight spirals. As she works some heavy oil into it, I feel one lock flip past my cheek and hit my shoulder, which startles me into gasping. It\u2019s almost as long as it was before my mother stole my ponytail!<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019ll grow in time,\u201d Teinan says, \u201cbut at least for now it\u2019s got some borrowed length.\u201d And she\u2019s right; when she lets me stand up my hair is strangely straight but quite long. I feel so different . . . almost like I\u2019ve been put back together after being broken, even though I can still sense the cracks. I have to hold in my excitement when she takes a ribbon and slides it under my hair, tying it in a bow at the top. This all feels so different\u2014not because I don\u2019t like it, but because I\u2019m not used to the idea of another living soul looking at me wearing this and thinking it\u2019s all right.<\/p>\n After Teinan decorates me with an opal necklace and some crystal bracelets, she takes a quick look at me and then shrugs.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ve seen more boyish girls,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n I don\u2019t feel entirely right about that comment either, but again I overlook it. \u201cSo . . . what now?\u201d I feel like I\u2019m blushing, and I\u2019m lightheaded.<\/p>\n She shrugs again. \u201cNow . . . just be you.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAnd do what?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou be you, and I\u2019ll watch. And tomorrow, if I think it\u2019s safe, I\u2019ll tell you a secret.\u201d<\/p>\n I have no idea what she wants me to do, but I feel like celebrating the closest I\u2019ve come to outward femininity in my whole life, so I decide there\u2019s no wrong answer and just grant myself license to dance.<\/p>\n Because of my training, I\u2019m sure my dance looks more like a Wind dance than anything, but in my mind I look like Mymei the day she demonstrated her Water dance for me. I can feel that I\u2019m successfully flowing between the positions, and I love the way my clothes swim on my body. When I coast to a stop, I don\u2019t bother meeting Teinan\u2019s eyes. I just rest for a moment on the balls of my feet, then scamper out of her room and back to the kitchen.<\/p>\n \u201cDo you mind if I make some more tea?\u201d I call. \u201cAnd maybe make some rice? I\u2019m famished.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cGo right ahead,\u201d she calls back, coming closer until she\u2019s leaning in the doorway. I have no trouble lighting the fire and putting the kettle on even though I\u2019ve never been allowed to do it before, and she just watches me as I bounce around in a giddy cloud.<\/p>\n I\u2019m too hungry to make any effort to look dainty and ladylike while I eat. This isn\u2019t an act, after all. This is me. And sometimes hungry girls eat like pigs. After we\u2019ve partaken of everything I prepared, we sit by her fire. The garment I\u2019m wearing encourages me to sit on my knees with my legs together instead of on my bottom with crossed legs. When I find myself in that position I realize it feels natural enough, and that it matches the sitting position Teinan chose. I\u2019m glad I didn\u2019t have to think about it.<\/p>\n As my excitement winds down, I feel content and somehow sated, but I\u2019m trying to put away a dull ache that pulses at the back of my mind. I\u2019ll treasure this night forever, but what if it\u2019s the last one? What if I have to go back to \u201cbeing\u201d a boy? Having a taste of this and knowing how right it feels\u2014how it meets and exceeds the way I\u2019d dreamed it would be\u2014I don\u2019t think I could bear it. Teinan notices that I\u2019ve withdrawn my attention from whatever story she was telling. She leans over to wipe the tears off my eyelashes with her sleeve.<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019ll be all right, sweetie,\u201d she says. \u201cNo matter what, you\u2019ll be all right.\u201d<\/p>\n I\u2019m glad she is wise so I don\u2019t have to tell her what\u2019s wrong.<\/p>\n \u201cTo dreamland with you, I think. Let\u2019s get a paillasse set up for you . . . I\u2019ll prepare it while you get changed for bed.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201c . . . All right, but what am I wearing? I didn\u2019t bring any clothes.\u201d<\/p>\n To my delight, Teinan lends me one of her sleeping gowns. I try to be nonchalant about what it means to wear it but some more tears slip out. She doesn\u2019t ask.<\/p>\n I fall asleep nestled under a fluffy blanket, burrowed in the sawdust-filled cushion with my hair splayed around my head. I don\u2019t know if Teinan will have a judgment on whether I sleep like a boy, but I know for sure I dream like a girl.<\/p>\n I hurry to dress after my morning bath and then take my time brushing out my wet hair. I want it to be smooth and straight like last night so it\u2019ll feel like it\u2019s long, but I know when the water disappears my curls will return, retracting back up to my neck. I like it on my shoulders, even though the wet spots on my clothes make my back cold.<\/p>\n Teinan and I have tea and breakfast and talk about our dreams. Then she says she\u2019s ready to tell me the secret she promised me last night.<\/p>\n \u201cI want to audition you for Water,\u201d she says. \u201cNot officially, of course\u2014I can\u2019t\u2014but off the record. I want to see if you\u2019re really what you say you are.\u201d<\/p>\n I just give her a wide-eyed stare.<\/p>\n \u201cSo, will you do it?\u201d<\/p>\n I leap out of my chair, light on my feet. \u201cOf course I will! What do we do first?\u201d<\/p>\n Teinan says she wants me to go through the motions of a Water dance, even though it\u2019s entirely possible at my age that I won\u2019t need a lot of build-up to bring the energy out. It turns out I know most of it already because of how often I\u2019ve rehearsed this moment in my mind, and it\u2019s not long before I can demonstrate the steps without help, even if I lack a bit of grace that will only come with repetition. She nods in satisfaction, then takes my hand and leads me to her gazebo outside.<\/p>\n \u201cSo this is what you\u2019ll do,\u201d she says. She ladles some water into one of the crystal bowls sitting on her table, and after holding the bowl in both her hands for a moment, she passes one hand over the water\u2019s surface and touches it with her fingertips. When she pulls her hand up, the water reaches up to kiss her fingers, extending in an odd, springy way that makes it look like it\u2019s turned to glue. \u201cThe water\u2019s attracted to me,\u201d she explains, \u201cbecause it knows I\u2019m one of its own. Are you ready to find out if you\u2019re also the water\u2019s sister?\u201d<\/p>\n I get a lump in my throat at the word \u201csister.\u201d She hands me the bowl.<\/p>\n \u201cJust connect with it through the bowl,\u201d she says gently. \u201cSee if it\u2019s willing to meet you.\u201d<\/p>\n I hold the bowl like she did, and I\u2019m a little bit nervous, but my heart doesn\u2019t race or anything. I feel so right, finally being taken seriously as a Water dedicant, lingering in this moment of truth. Just for a second I worry the water will reject me, but that fear slips away because I feel like I know what\u2019s going to happen. I know the water. I\u2019m made of it, after all.<\/p>\n I flick my fingers out over the bowl and am not surprised in the least when tiny funnels spin up to curl around my fingers. For some reason I hadn\u2019t thought it would be wet when it touched me, but the little spout soaks my palm and leaves my pretty blue sleeve sopping wet. Obviously I don\u2019t know how to control this stuff yet, but it\u2019s clear for the first time that I actually have it.<\/p>\n Teinan gasps at my success, startling me. I look up, concerned, and see she\u2019s clutching the folds of her robe with one hand. I\u2019ve seen her confused and surprised and skeptical, but this is the first time I\u2019ve seen her look shocked.<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s true,\u201d she says finally. \u201cThere\u2019s no faking this. You\u2019re a miracle.\u201d<\/p>\n I put the bowl down. \u201cNo,\u201d I say. \u201cI\u2019m just a girl.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThat you are.\u201d She nods and touches my shoulder. \u201cWell, now we know what to do. I\u2019ll summon your parents.\u201d<\/p>\n Teinan irons my hair again while we wait for my parents to arrive on the ferry. She says I can stay in her blue dress. She also tells me I can\u2019t mention the water audition to anyone. Teinan would get in trouble if people knew she was letting an uninitiated child manipulate elements with her bowls, but she broke the rules for me because she just had to be sure she was giving the right advice. She\u2019s certain now, she says.<\/p>\n When my parents arrive Teinan lets them in and brings them to her kitchen for the same tea and wafers I had yesterday. They actually see me as they first come in, but they walk past me as if assuming I must be a servant girl. I grin and come to the doorway as Teinan makes my parents comfortable.<\/p>\n \u201cWhere\u2019s Lihill?\u201d asks my father as he helps himself to the wafers.<\/p>\n \u201cRight there,\u201d she says, casually indicating me with a flick of her wrist. Both their heads swivel to take in the image of their supposed son wearing a dress and a big grin.<\/p>\n \u201cHiii,\u201d I say, waving my hand with its big, floppy sleeve.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ve been examining the state of Lihill\u2019s soul,\u201d Teinan says, \u201cand it turns out you have a daughter.\u201d<\/p>\n My mother just stays silent and blanches, while my father does the opposite and turns red. \u201cDid he tell you he wanted to be a girl and you just went along with it? Is that what this is?\u201d He stands up, steaming.<\/p>\n \u201cThat\u2019s not it at all. I listened to the words she chose, but I also listened to what the goddess said, and, well, the goddess said \u2018that child is not a boy and never has been.\u2019 Who am I to argue?\u201d Teinan shrugs. \u201cYou can dress her up like a boy all you want, but she\u2019ll still be a girl. You might as well dress her like one.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWith all due respect, don\u2019t call him that. Don\u2019t call my son a \u2018she,\u2019\u201d says my father, refusing to look at me.<\/p>\n My mother clears her throat. \u201cDid you\u2014did you examine his . . . you know, Lihill\u2019s parts<\/em>? Does he have girl parts I didn\u2019t know about?\u201d<\/p>\n I feel myself blushing. My life certainly would have been easier if I had different parts, but even if I did I don\u2019t think I\u2019d want to discuss it in front of my mother.<\/p>\n \u201cI didn\u2019t need to do a physical examination, dear. I just did what I do best. Lihill is an unusual person, but you should really go forward from now trying to make the best of her future.\u201d<\/p>\n I just can\u2019t get over how wonderful it is to hear that word \u201cher\u201d assigned to me. It\u2019s just a silly word but it\u2019s making bubbles of happiness fizz out of my ears.<\/p>\n \u201cBut how did this . . . happen?\u201d my mother asks, still breathless and pale. \u201cIs it a sickness?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t know how she got a girl\u2019s soul, or how it ended up in that body, but that\u2019s how it is. The world isn\u2019t black and white. You know as well as I do that Water is the pinnacle of femininity, while Fire represents the deepest masculinity. Toward the middle, we know some men feel more neutral and are comfortable with Air, while some women who feel a bond with Earth are feminine in a less extreme way. There are plenty of ways to be in between. Perhaps the goddess and the gods give us people like Lihill to remind us of the in-betweens.\u201d<\/p>\n I sigh, a little bit disappointed. For all the wisdom Teinan holds, I have to remember she doesn\u2019t truly understand. I don\u2019t want to be an \u201cin-between.\u201d I\u2019m not some example the gods presented as a lesson to everybody normal. I want to be she, her, daughter, sister, and girl. And someday, woman.<\/p>\n \u201cI recommend her to be tested for Water on her next birthday,\u201d says Teinan, \u201cand I recommend getting used to seeing this girl as a girl. I know it will take some adjusting, but just follow her lead and you\u2019ll see how easy it is. Just look at her.\u201d<\/p>\n My mother is the first to look, and my father follows suit. I try to bear their stares gracefully, and come a little farther into the room so they can see me. See me <\/em>for the first time, hopefully. Maybe now they won\u2019t see a \u201cboy who wants to be a girl,\u201d or a \u201cboy who\u2019s confused,\u201d or a \u201cboy who failed Air three times,\u201d or a \u201cboy who has identity problems.\u201d Maybe now they\u2019ll see a girl who just wants to grow up and do what girls do.<\/p>\n My mother\u2019s eyes are shining. She touches my father\u2019s arm. \u201cLook,\u201d she says quietly. \u201cHe looks happy<\/em>.\u201d Choking up a little, she turns to my father. \u201cI haven\u2019t seen him looking really happy like that since . . . I don\u2019t know when.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOh, believe me, I noticed what a transformation it was,\u201d says Teinan, \u201cand I don\u2019t just mean how different she looks with her hair down in a dress. As soon as I agreed to try to treat her as a girl, it was like a lantern came on. This is how she naturally is, so of course she seems happier.\u201d<\/p>\n My father looks at the floor. \u201cI know what my wife signed,\u201d he says, \u201cand I know we\u2019re supposed to take your advice. So I\u2019ll let Lihill audition for Water <\/em>if that\u2019s what he wants so much.\u201d He lifts his head to glare at Teinan. \u201cBut until he proves that he\u2019s suited for it, I\u2019m not putting up with the rest of this.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201c\u2018The rest\u2019?\u201d asks Teinan.<\/p>\n \u201cI won\u2019t have him wearing girl clothes unless he passes Water,\u201d my father says, \u201cand I certainly won\u2019t call him she<\/em>.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAnd if he does pass Water?\u201d asks my mother, getting her coloring back bit by bit.<\/p>\n \u201cIf he does pass Water, then. . . .\u201d My father finally looks at me without real anger on his face. \u201cWell, then I guess I won\u2019t have a choice, will I? If he passes a Water audition, the goddess knows better than I do.\u201d<\/p>\n I\u2019d love to cry and hug him and say \u201cThank you, Daddy!\u201d like the twelve-year-old girl I am, but somehow I feel like that would be a bad idea. I just clasp my hands and look at the floor, smiling.<\/p>\n \u201cWell, you folks can be on your way,\u201d says Teinan. \u201cOne thing, though, Lihill.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYes?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m afraid I do need my dress back. It\u2019s an heirloom.\u201d<\/p>\n As my parents and I leave the wise woman\u2019s house and get back on the ferry, I don\u2019t really mind that I\u2019m in my old clothes, with my hair curling back up behind my ears in the strong sun. With my mother\u2019s hand on my shoulder, floating on the water toward home, I finally feel like I have a future, and it\u2019s one I actually want to live.<\/p>\n \u201cCan I let my hair grow?\u201d I ask my mom, touching her hand.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Thirteen<\/strong><\/p>\n Waiting for my Water audition is like torture. I decide not to request admission to the girls\u2019 troop to learn goddess literature and dances, even though my parents probably would have let me. I don\u2019t want to do it now because the oldest kids in the classes are supposed to be among the troop leaders, not just beginning to learn themselves. I\u2019ve already missed that part of my life as a girl, but I\u2019m determined not to miss any more. Mymei takes pity on me and teaches me what she knows. And what\u2019s better, she lets me wear her clothes during my visits. My father still won\u2019t let me do that at home.<\/p>\n And it\u2019s in Mymei\u2019s clothes that I report for my audition on my thirteenth birthday, ducking under the hood of the blue robe so no one looks at me too closely. I don\u2019t know anyone in the small crowd of applicants, and none of them seem to suspect me of being any different than the other girls. When I finally enter the audition hut, relief washes over me. This is just like it\u2019s supposed to be. Three women are waiting to watch me perform. They\u2019re there in their blue robes and so am I. I\u2019m finally going to get what I want. I\u2019m finally going to be who I am.<\/p>\n No one looks at me oddly when I pull back my hood and accept a set of hand bells. One lady makes a lighthearted comment about how tall I am and tells me to go ahead. And after I\u2019ve finished one of the most joyous dances of my life, a different lady calls me \u201cgraceful\u201d and sends me into the next room for the final test.<\/p>\n An older priestess is in the darker room, sitting with her mirrors and candles and some sheets of rice paper to mark her recommendations. She nods and hands me the crystal bowl full of water, and I pass my hand over its silver surface, brimming with confidence. The water splashes up to kiss my palm like an old friend. I don\u2019t make anywhere near as much of a mess this time. The priestess chuckles and congratulates me.<\/p>\n And then she asks me for my name. She pauses when I give it.<\/p>\n \u201cLihill,\u201d she says. \u201cLihill is a boy\u2019s name.\u201d<\/p>\n I\u2019m just silent. I manage to give her a little shrug.<\/p>\n \u201cYou must have some cruel parents,\u201d she says, somewhat to herself as she shakes her head.<\/p>\n I can\u2019t help but laugh. She thinks I\u2019m just an ordinary girl whose parents gave her an improper name! I love that that\u2019s her first thought, rather than \u201cyou must be a boy, then.\u201d<\/p>\n The priestess pauses again and looks up at me. She puts her paintbrush down and raises a finger to her lips, pondering. My heart speeds up.<\/p>\n \u201cCome a little closer,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n I obey her while my stomach sinks.<\/p>\n After she studies me for far too many heartbeats, the priestess speaks again. \u201cWell, you\u2019ve passed your Water audition,\u201d she says, \u201cbut I need to know what else there is to this story.\u201d<\/p>\n I meet her eyes. \u201cWhat do you want to know?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAre you really a boy?\u201d<\/p>\n I shake my head no, vigorously.<\/p>\n \u201cAh. You\u2019re afraid, not confused. Which means you know why I\u2019m asking.\u201d<\/p>\n I feel like I\u2019m going to cry. I\u2019m sure my face crumples, but I can\u2019t help it.<\/p>\n \u201cYou say you\u2019re a girl, then?\u201d<\/p>\n I\u2019m unable to speak, but I nod.<\/p>\n \u201cBut you weren\u2019t born a girl, were you.\u201d It isn\u2019t a question. My eyebrows are trying to touch each other. I don\u2019t really know how to handle what she\u2019s saying. I was born a girl as much as I\u2019m a girl now, even though other people couldn\u2019t tell at the time. The priestess stands up before I figure out how to answer her.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ll need to consult some older sisters before I can figure out how to write your recommendation,\u201d she says. \u201cI\u2019ll call you in again when my superiors answer the summons.\u201d With that, the priestess sends me outside to wait, and she supervises everyone else\u2019s auditions in the meantime. By the time two other blue-robed adults arrive, everyone else has gone home. I\u2019ve been sitting on a rock outside for hours, trembling off and on.<\/p>\n When I\u2019m finally invited inside again, the new elders have apparently dug up my birth records and want to talk to me. They know my body matches my name. And now they want to figure out how it\u2019s possible for someone like me to be female.<\/p>\n \u201cSo you\u2019re a boy who\u2019s managed to bond with Water,\u201d says one of the elders. \u201cHow did this happen?\u201d<\/p>\n I wrap my arms around myself as I deliver my answer. \u201cI\u2019m not really a boy, that\u2019s how.\u201d<\/p>\n They all look at each other.<\/p>\n \u201cThese papers say otherwise,\u201d says the same elder.<\/p>\n \u201cIn my head I\u2019m a girl and that\u2019s what\u2019s important,\u201d I tell her. I pick up a bowl and show them how the water reacts to my touch like magic. \u201cIt\u2019s more than just bonding with Water. I\u2019ve always felt like a girl, so I think I should be allowed to act like one and grow up like one. For a long time my parents wouldn\u2019t allow it, but this is everything to me.\u201d I put the bowl down.<\/p>\n The oldest-looking priestess holds up her hand, and the other two watch her patiently. She must be the boss.<\/p>\n \u201cLet me see if I can solve this mystery,\u201d she says. \u201cFirst of all . . . Lihill, how are you, honey?\u201d<\/p>\n I blink. \u201cHow am I? Nervous, I guess.\u201d She seems nice, but where is this going?<\/p>\n \u201cWhy\u2019s that?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cBecause if you tell me I can\u2019t live as a girl, I can\u2019t start my life.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou can\u2019t \u2018start\u2019 your life?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cMy parents, especially my father, don\u2019t understand me being really a girl. So they made me audition for male elements and I can\u2019t do it. I thought all I had to do was show I really am Water and everyone would understand I\u2019m telling the truth . . .\u201d<\/p>\n The eldest priestess smiles. \u201cWell, we do believe that. But we\u2019ve never had someone who\u2019s a boy on paper turn out to be a girl. Let me give you a little history lesson.\u201d<\/p>\n The priestess takes her time telling her stories. By the time she\u2019s done, it\u2019s clear that throughout our people\u2019s history, folks who don\u2019t fall into clear male or female categories do exist, though they\u2019re not very common. However, she\u2019s only seen people fall into categories not quite like mine. She\u2019s seen women or men who master the elements they\u2019re expected to, but grow up to want relationships with other men or other women. She\u2019s seen people who have successful auditions but grow up wanting to do a job rarely assigned to their sex. And she\u2019s even seen people with bodies that aren\u2019t really male or female\u2014more of a mix.<\/p>\n \u201cWith those folks,\u201d she says, \u201cwe end up having to wait for them to come of age before we know. They tend to figure it out on their own, and during the elemental trials the soul answers what their bodies could not.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThat sounds like me,\u201d I say. \u201cExcept I . . . don\u2019t think my body looks mixed.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019d venture to say there have probably been others like you,\u201d says the priestess, \u201cbut our community is . . . very attached to its opinions on what boys and girls should do. It wouldn\u2019t surprise me if I just haven\u2019t seen a girl with a body like yours before because it\u2019s hard to defy what we\u2019re taught since birth. I\u2019d say you\u2019re very brave, young lady.\u201d<\/p>\n I feel myself blushing. I do feel a bit like I\u2019ve been brave, but at the same time I don\u2019t like being called that. I can\u2019t really see myself as \u201cbrave\u201d for fighting to have my life when the alternative is so horrifying. I\u2019m pleasantly surprised by being called a young lady, though.<\/p>\n \u201cThere\u2019s still the matter of what to put on the paper,\u201d says the other new priestess. \u201cThe family records show his parents as having one son and one daughter. If you write a recommendation for him to apprentice in a Water trade, he\u2019ll run into trouble anytime he has to do anything officially.\u201d She raises her hands helplessly.<\/p>\n The eldest priestess looks annoyed. \u201cWell then,\u201d she says, \u201cthey\u2019ll just have to change the birth <\/em>record to show that Lihill was born a girl. That\u2019s the most accurate way to handle it, I think.\u201d She looks up at me. \u201cI can have my sister here write you a recommendation to change officially, if that\u2019s what you\u2019d like. To go along with your Water apprenticeship application approval, of course.\u201d<\/p>\n I feel like someone lit a candle in my head. \u201cOh! Yes, I would<\/em> like that.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWell, go on and write it up,\u201d says the eldest, gesturing at the audition priestess. She hesitates, surprised, but doesn\u2019t argue.<\/p>\n \u201cWould you like her to write you one for a name change permission too?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m not sure.\u201d Oddly enough, I never figured out what I\u2019d prefer to be called. I\u2019ve always been fairly satisfied with my name. But, much like the rest of me, I\u2019ve just wished people responded to it like it belongs to a girl.<\/p>\n \u201cThinking of keeping it, then? A girl called Lihill?\u201d She chuckles. \u201cPerhaps you\u2019d like to be a living reminder that everything isn\u2019t always what it seems?\u201d<\/p>\n I feel a frown cross my face. \u201cNot really, no.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWell, do think about it. I\u2019ve often thought it\u2019s shameful the way this community separates its men and women so cleanly\u2014it\u2019s bad for us, and I think the folks in the middle could use a champion as brave as you.\u201d<\/p>\n I let my frown relax, defeated. I\u2019m not \u201cin the middle,\u201d but how many people might be out there who are? What if there are boys who aren\u2019t<\/em> girls at heart but still want to study Earth or Water? What if there are people who don\u2019t want <\/em>to choose?<\/p>\n Maybe I\u2019m not so brave, because I don\u2019t feel I can fight for them. I just want to live my life. I just want to have my community\u2019s blessing to be the girl I\u2019ve always been.<\/p>\n \u201cYes, I might want to change my name one day, too,\u201d I say. \u201cThank you.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAre you sure this is right?\u201d asks the priestess who isn\u2019t making recommendations or writing them. \u201cWhat are we going to do if he . . . or she, as you say . . . wants to get married?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cLet her?\u201d says the eldest priestess with humor.<\/p>\n \u201cThey wouldn\u2019t be able to have children,\u201d she protests. \u201cHow will that work?\u201d<\/p>\n The eldest priestess is silent a moment. Then she surveys her colleague critically. \u201cI suppose it will \u2018work\u2019 like it does for any woman who\u2019s sterile. Or maybe Lihill will get lucky and pair herself up with a boy who was once a girl, if that ever happens.\u201d<\/p>\n I really just want to leave. They don\u2019t understand. I don\u2019t know what my future will be like or what I\u2019ll want when I\u2019m grown up. I\u2019ll need time to figure it out.<\/p>\n The audition priestess finishes painting my papers and hands them to me. I can\u2019t believe I have one with a blue seal on it. I\u2019d expected to pass, but at the same time it\u2019s surreal. Mist overtakes my eyes.<\/p>\n \u201cThank you,\u201d I say again, and the eldest priestess clearly picks up on the emotion in my voice.<\/p>\n \u201cDon\u2019t thank us,\u201d she says. \u201cYou\u2019re the one who passed.\u201d<\/p>\n I look away from my papers. \u201cBut . . . you recognized it.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOf course we did, sugar. The goddess must be in you if you can charm the water. There\u2019s no question about it.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cBut I had to do that before anyone believed me. Everyone else . . .\u201d I trail off, thinking about how the other priestess really doesn\u2019t seem happy about recognizing me as a girl, and I wonder how different things would be right now if she had been the one in charge. Or how different my whole life would have been all along if only I\u2019d had a mother and a father who thought like the eldest priestess, or like Teinan.<\/p>\n \u201cWell, \u2018everyone else\u2019 will just have to get used to you,\u201d says the eldest priestess brightly.<\/p>\n \u201cSo will I,\u201d I say as I\u2019m dismissed.<\/p>\n As I make my way back home, I can\u2019t wait to see my father\u2019s face when I come home wearing Mymei\u2019s robe. And he won\u2019t be able to make me take it off. Will he congratulate me? Will he act ashamed? Will he accept me?<\/p>\n Will anyone?<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Fourteen<\/strong><\/p>\n After a few months of trial work, I managed to get Teinan herself to accept me as a Water apprentice, where I began to learn herbalism and Water wisdom. I got to go to the ladies\u2019 holiday rituals and collect my own appropriate clothes and let my hair grow longer. Being a girl all the time was exciting and perfect at first, then just brightly natural, but always joyous and never something I took for granted.<\/p>\n I loved <\/em>being seen outside in a dress, and wearing pretty jewelry, and finally getting to try pinning my hair and painting my lips, and being called \u201cyoung lady\u201d at market. And even more, I loved that what I wanted to do wasn\u2019t shameful anymore; I could help my mother in the kitchen or mend a quilt or accompany my female relatives to a baby\u2019s naming, and never have to worry that people wondered why I wanted to do it. It was all exactly what I\u2019d wanted since forever. But there are still rough patches.<\/p>\n My father still calls me \u201che\u201d sometimes and seems to think of me like I\u2019m his son in a dress, but there\u2019s not much I can do about it. My mother spends too much effort on praising me for certain feminine things I do so it feels like the opposite of a compliment. My grandmother tells her friends that I \u201cused to be a boy.\u201d My sister keeps saying it\u2019s so strange to see me happy\u2014like she doesn\u2019t see why I wasn\u2019t before\u2014and one time she even said it\u2019s weird that she doesn\u2019t have a brother anymore. I don\u2019t know why she thinks she ever did, or where \u201che\u201d went if I\u2019m him.<\/p>\n And now, even though Mymei is still my best friend, she\u2019s got a lot <\/em>of questions for me about boys. Especially since she\u2019s quite interested in them these days and wants to know how I\u2019m going to handle that part of my life. Like, if I\u2019ll have to be courted by someone who\u2019s interested in boys too. I just don\u2019t know. I\u2019m not ready for that yet. And I haven\u2019t found a name either. I\u2019m still thinking about it.<\/p>\n I\u2019m fourteen. I wear dresses and behave like a lady and mostly get treated like one, but now that I\u2019m finally starting my life, I don\u2019t know what I want that life to be about. I haven\u2019t been able to think about it all my life like most people. And I\u2019m afraid maturity is lurking around the corner waiting to take it all away from me again. Teinan and I are talking about concocting an herbal medicine that will help me not grow up to look like my father, maybe, but it\u2019s still in the early stages of our research and I\u2019m afraid we\u2019ll figure it out too late. I enjoy working with the herbs, though. Maybe this is what I\u2019ll do for my adult life. Now that I know I\u2019ll have one.<\/p>\n I\u2019m grateful to the water and the goddess who blessed it\u2014and to my mentor, Teinan, who saw my potential\u2014but sometimes when I\u2019m learning about water techniques and ringing my bells, I think about how sad it is that I needed the water before anyone believed me. Nobody believed my soul was female until they saw it do things only female souls are supposed to do. I\u2019m disappointed I had to prove my inside with my outside, and until I did I was just a boy who wanted to be something he wasn\u2019t. As hard as this was for me, there must be people like me who can\u2019t prove it in the places that don\u2019t bond with elements, and that must be even harder.<\/p>\n Most of the time I just want to be a girl doing what girls do, but sometimes I think about who else is out there and wonder if I should try to find those girls. If only just to tell them I see them.<\/p>\nJulie Sondra Decker<\/h2>