The Herd is just fine, I promise. And we’ve had some really great stuff happen this summer, including Big Man’s high school graduation, solid time with family, and our trip to Italy. But, not gonna lie, our summer is going out on a whimper. Too much shtuff. Too many feels. All the things.

We deliver Big Man to his dorm room in exactly two weeks – and I mean this EXACT time in two weeks, we will be unloading his truck. The date has been on the calendar for months. We’ve been filling out forms and sending money for months. I’ve logically prepped. But now it’s really here. It’s no longer this idea you begin thinking about when your child starts high school, if not before. This is reality.  In two weeks and two days, Spouse and I will pull away from that dorm building, leaving our biggest baby behind to face the big world all on his own. I. Am. Freaking. Out. I can’t do this. I’m not ready. He won’t wake up on time. He won’t go to class and he won’t do his work. He won’t know what to do if he’s sick. He won’t know how to adult without me there helping him. These are all the things spinning through my brain. Now I know he’s capable. And again, logically I realize he’s going to be just fine – he’s ready – and whatever he doesn’t know, he will figure out. That’s a big part of why we send them off to college, right?

I’m most worried what our household is going to be like without him here every day.  He’s our leveler. He’s the most emotionally consistent of all of us.  He’s the kid who gives me at least two hugs every day, always says “I love you” as he walks out the door, always asks how my day has gone, checks in to make sure I’m okay. He has the sense of humor that lifts us up. He knows how to laugh at himself, the golf course excluded.  And he’s not going to be here. I’m going to miss the hell out of this kid.  I’ve already told him I will lift my FaceTime ban, and will actually talk on the phone for him. You should have seen his face when I told him that – this is a HUGE deal for me!

I just find myself super weepy. Everything makes me cry these days. Add onto that, we have other things going on around here.

My mom continues to strive towards recovery from her stroke. She’s made huge progress, but remains in a skilled nursing facility. She can say a few words, and she can read, but she cannot write, cannot spell. She communicates mostly with flash cards, facial expressions, and head nodding/shaking. She has begun to take steps, within the parallel bars, and with braces.  The hope is to get her on day field trips, but we don’t know when she will be released, and it’s unlikely she will ever live independently again.

I’m facing the reality my parents are aging. It sucks to say the least. I spent a week taking care of my Daddy. He’s slowed considerably.  I truly enjoyed a quiet, one-on-one week where the most strenuous thing we did was decide whether to watch a baseball game, another Hallmark movie, or House Hunters. I read nearly 1500 pages. And we just talked. But it is so hard to see your parent’s fragility, see what effect time has had, see his own frustrations with where he is. Saying goodbye, even knowing I will see him again soon, gutted me.

The Princess….she had recital last month, and decided that after field hockey season is done, she will take on more of a return to dance. This was her decision, but I’m sure you can see me smiling from there. However it works out, if it works out, I’m just happy I got to see her on the stage again, doing something she does so well. But she’s had her own struggles this summer.  I won’t share the details as they aren’t mine to share, but good gracious, it sucks to see your kid hurting and know there’s nothing you can do to make it better but stay by their side, and help them as much as you can to get through the process, because there’s no skipping the process. I can’t take it away, I can’t fix it. I’m just here. But my heart hurts for her.

The Herd is in a time of transition, and it’s really hard.  We have lots more BIG THINGS coming up soon…..The Princess starts her  Senior year next week (weren’t we *just* here with Big Man?) and turns 18 in the fall.  Little Man begins his Sophomore year on Tuesday.  And then there will be the saga of Big Man adjusting to college. I promise a post on our trip to Italy. I just need to get through a few things first. The Herd is okay, we’re just sending this summer out on a whimper.