Chirotechnics

I have been slammed with work. I have added Quickbooks to track finances at the clinic. I have had to enter ALL TRANSACTIONS since we took over the clinic. I didn't get to bed until 6 am Saturday morning. Then, I have a shit load of reports to write. For car accidents and work place injuries, insurance companies want a detailed explanation of your examination, findings, treatment plan with reasonings, imaging reports, prognosis, etc. etc. etc.

I'll be back to writing again if I can get a little more caught up.

I managed to get out on time on Halloween night. The girls wanted to go trick-or-treating. Gwennie's friend from school came over because she wanted to go in our neighborhood. Zelda asked that I sit by the door and hand out candy to the trick-or-treater's. I was wondering if I should go ahead and get dressed up and try to scare some of the kids. Zelda simply said that I should just put on the contac lenses that white out my eyes, put on my fangs, and get on my long leather trenchcoat.

Why not? I'll have a little bit of fun.

There was a little kid who came up to me and did the whole, "Trick-or-Treat!"

I said, "Happy Halloween!" as I shoved some chocolate into his bag.

He said, "You look like a China Man!"

His mom was so stunned, and she tried to get him to shut up.

I literally fell over backwards in my chair from laughing so hard.

Here I am in half of my Halloween getup. Yet, "China Man" was what he saw.

Sorry, I'm just not overly sensitive. Does anyone else see that as funny? Or, is it just me?

My buddy, Corin came back from Iraq a few weeks ago for his midtour leave. While he was here, we took him out for some sushi. Afterwards, we drove to my parents' house where he told my dad stories about some of the battles that he was involved in while in Iraq.

I decided to take him out for some drinks. Zelda stayed home because she was tired. We got in the car and started driving. I asked him where he wanted to go.

Corin: "I have $300 in singles. Where do you think I want to go?"

Me: "Tittie bar it is."

We went to the Houston Penthouse Club. When I go to these places, I just go to hang out with friends, drink a beer or two, and look at the nice "scenery". I don't like to get lap dances or flirt with the strippers. It's just not my thing. Corin, having served several months in Iraq and not being able to see gorgeous American women, had a lot of fun. We sat back, ordered a couple of beers and watched. Corin, takes out $40 in singles and sets it on the table. In no time, a few girls came by. They took him into a corner for a lap dance. Another girl came up to me and asked me if I wanted anything. I told her I was there to drive my buddy home, but thanks for asking. Another girl just came over to me, sat on my lap, and started talking. Again, I told her I was just there as a driver for my friend. She asked if I wanted a lap dance. I told her no thanks but to make sure she does give Corin a lap dance as soon as he was done with the last one.

She asked me, "What? Are you gay?"

I responded, "Do you want me to be gay?"

She lifted up my hand and looked at my wedding ring. I said, "Yes, I'm married." She responded, "You are such a good person." I answered, "Thanks," as I gave her a few dollars from Corin's stash on the table.

Corin eventually disappeared for several hours. Apparently, he took out some more money and got into the VIP champagne room. He had a lot of fun.

A few days later, we found out that the club was raided the following night. Whew! That was a close one.

I have a cousin in Arizona who was pulled over the other day because he swerved a little on the road. He was really tired from working and was looking for place to pull over and rest a little.

The cop who pulled him over asked him if he had anything to drink.

"No. Not a drop," my cousin answered.

The cop didn't believe him and brought out a breathalizer test. He asked him to breathe (exhale) into the machine. (Keep in mind that my cousin looks like he's 18.)

My cousin said, "Sure."

It registered zero.

The cop asked him, "Sir, are you okay?"

My cousin said, "Yeah, I'm just really tired from work. I was looking for a place to pull over and slap myself awake."

The cop asked him, "Do you need me to follow home and make sure you make it back okay?"

My cousin answered, "No. That's okay. You pretty much scared the living shit out of me. I'm wide awake now. Thanks."

The cop chuckled as he let him go.

It’s been a full year since you were taken from us by a road side bomb in Afghanistan. It seems like yesterday that we heard the news. Monica called up Zelda. Zelda cheerfully answered, “Hey, Monica!” Followed, by a cautious, “No, I’m not driving.” Then, it was the most awful cry from Zelda I ever heard: “NO! NO! NO! NOOOOO!”

We were a tight group. So, it only took me a brief second before I realized what had happened. I mouthed the words to Zelda, “Was Charles killed?” Zelda nodded while crying. Just then, my phone rang. It was Kevin.

Holding back tears, my voice stumbled as I answered, “Hello?”
Kevin instantly knew that I knew.

“I guess you heard?”

“Yeah, does anyone know what happened?”

“They’re saying it was a road side bomb.”

“Oh shit. I should call people and let them know. Keep me informed and I’ll keep you informed of anything new that comes up.”

I scrolled down my entire phone list calling as many people as I could. Most of them didn’t know yet. Everyone I called started breaking down.

“Please call everyone on your phone list so that no one finds out about it on the news.” Those were the last words I said to everyone I called.

Zelda and I were at my parents’ house with my sisters and brother-in-law. They heard everything and kept our kids occupied in the kitchen as Zelda and I were trying to inform as many of our friends as possible. After we completed calling everyone, we stopped. Zelda and I looked at each other, walked towards each other, and squeezed each other as we broke down.

We didn’t sleep that night.

You were taken from us much too early. You were supposed stand with me and the other groomsmen at Kevin’s wedding. We were supposed to go to New Orleans for his bachelor party. We were supposed to all grow old.

The old gang celebrated your 32nd birthday 2 days ago. You were supposed to be there with us. We all cried as we gathered in a circle and sang “Happy Birthday” to you before the night ended.

I told you before, we will never forget you.

I have been so extremely busy at the clinic. Each continuous week is a record setting week. The front desk tells me that her brother (who owned the clinic before me) averaged 120 NEW patients a year. Those were very busy times for them. It's only half way through my first year in a brand new town and I've already hit 90 brand new patients.

Apparently, being a good diagnostician has its advantages. I haven't even had to do any marketing. It's all been word of mouth.

I have reports to write, so this is all I have time to update y'all on.

First, let me apologize for not blogging more. Things at the clinic have been picking up so fast that it is difficult to finish everything I need to by the end of the day. We've already quadrupled the number of patients that the previous doctor was seeing on a daily basis. All this mostly based on word of mouth alone.

Zelda and I have started working out. It's been a few years since I last took it this seriously. Right now, we're both very sore. I figured that since my specialization is soft tissue injuries and sports medicine, I figured Zelda and I would be our own best advertisement.

I found something else that another MD missed the other day. A patient came to me the other day comlaining of lots of stiffness. His MD told him that he needed to stretch more and gave him some meds. He came to me thinking that I could make his joints move more. I asked a few more questions, did another thorough exam, and decided that we needed some imaging done. We started with an X-ray. Then I saw it. Ankylosing spondylitis. Don't take back pain and stiffness lightly, folks. Go get it checked out. Ankylosing spondylitis can lead to direct fusion of the vertebrae.

I still read all of your blogs daily. I just don't have time to comment. I'll usually have a minute between patients which means I have to take a break and find out which paragraph of y'alls blog entries I last left on. That's ok. I'm glad we're busy. It simply means that the rent and bills will get paid.

We took the girls to Sea World in San Antonio a couple of weeks ago. One of my patients is a VP there. I helped him out, he helped me out by giving me free park admission.

The very first roller coaster that we went on was the Steel Eel. Actually, I stayed with Emma because she was too short to ride it. So, Zelda and Gwennie went on the ride. Zelda told me that Gwennie was terrified of it. I asked Gwennie if she wanted to ride it with me. She shot back, "No!" Zelda told me that I could ride it if I wanted to. Seeing that there was no line since we got to the park when it opened, I decided to ride it. I got right into the last cart where you can feel the weighlessness the best. However, there was already a couple in the very back row, so I sat right in front of them. Still the very last cart though.

As we were going up, I could see Zelda and the kids down below. I waved. Then, over the first drop. The guy behind me says, "Oooohhhh nnnnooooo....We're not doing any more rides." Back up we go only to go down another drop. This is pretty much the entire ride. By the 4th drop, the guy behind me starts coughing. It was at this point, I'm thinking. Great, this guy is going to blow chunks all over the back of my head. Every drop, he coughed heavier as if heaving at points. Just when the heaving gets so bad that I've accepted my fate of being Spewed on, the ride stops.

"Ooooooooooohhhhhhhhh. It didn't work....the dramamine didn't work......"

I (thanking god that there wasn't someone's gastric and intestinal lining on the back of my head) chuckled and turned around to ask the guy, "You alright?"

"Yeah........I think.......No more rides."

This post is for Christina the massage therapist. After my very first car accident about 20 years ago, I was recommended to have some kind of muscle work done. I called up a massage parlor to have my neck and low back done.



me: "Hi, I've never had a massage done before. But, it was recommended to me that I get one done. What should I expect?"



them: "It's 60 dollars an hour for a professional NON SEXUAL massage." (extra empasis by them)

me: "huh?"

them: "This is a professional service, sir. There is no sex involved."

me: ".....uuuuuuhhhhhhh.....I was involved in a car accident. The doctor told me I should get a massage for my muscles that ache."

them: "Oooohhhhhh. Well, then let me put our injury specialist on the line."

me: "NON SEXUAL specialist, right?"

them: (giggling) "Of course."

Usually when I get hit on by patients at work, it's never direct. Most of the time, the patients will just make a nice compliment with a litte bit of "it's a shame you're married" ending. Those things I can handle. I did have one patient who asked me if she needed to remove her shirt even though her problem was in her knee. My response? "No, we'll just focus on your knee." That was probably the closest to being direct until a few days ago.

Patient: "Doctor, can I ask you a question?"

Me: "Sure."

Pt: "Are you interested in me? Because, I'm interested in you. I get the feeling you're interested in me because you treat me differently from your other patients."

Me: ".........(eyes wide).......uuuuuuuhhhhhhh. Look, I can't pursue anything with you because of 3 reasons.
1) I'm married.
2) I take that marriage very seriously.
3) You're my patient. It is illegal for me to have any kind of relationship with my patients."

What kind of gets me is that she thought I treated her differently from my other patients. I'm not sure where she gets this idea. I do sit and talk with my patients regarding not only their ailments but about their daily lives as well. It makes time go by faster throughout their therapy. Plus, I find their lives interesting. Zelda and I have gone to plays with our patients. We've gone to have sushi, sake, and fine wines with another of our patients. We've been invited to hockey games. We got free tickets to Sea World. It's just that since we've moved to New City, we don't have as many friends as we did in Houston.

Hopefully, I handled that situation properly.

Apparently, threats have prompted Liveleak.com to pull this video.

I may or may not agree with what Pat Dollard does. However, I'll give him credit to not cave in to pressure.

Hat tip to Ala.

I actually get to know my patients on more personal level. It really helps them to ask questions they would not normally ask. I have this one patient who came to me after he hurt his shoulder. I told him that he has a partial tear on one of his tendons. He asked me if he could go fishing. I told him that as long as he wasn't using his injured shoulder, he would be okay. Next thing you know, we were talking about anything and everything related to fishing. After a couple of treatments, we had an interesting conversation.


Patient: "So, do you do other stuff besides neck, shoulders, and low back?"


Me: "Yes. The only thing different between me and an MD is that I don't prescribe controlled substances and I don't do surgical procedures. MDs tend to focus more on Pharmocology as treatments and I tend to focus more on Biomechanics through alternative methods for treatments."


Patient: "Can I ask you a question then?"


Me: "Sure."


Patient: "Alright, whenever a girl is riding me, my legs go numb and I can't feel it as much."


Me: "You mean she's on top?"


Patient: "Yeah. I even tried it with a really skinny white chick and it still goes numb. I can keep my dick hard but I just can't feel it."


Me: "Let me do a couple of orthopedic tests."


After doing a few orthopedic tests, I found what was going on.


Me: "Your hip flexors are compressing on the spermatic cord. Associated with the spermatic cord are various nerves that extend into the pubic region. Because your hip muscles are so tight, it's irritating specific nerves, especially sensory nerves. So, what you need to do is to take the pressure off of the nerves by elongating the musculature around the path of the nerve. Let me show you a couple of stretches that will help you."

Patient: "That's it?"

Me: "Yep. Real easy, huh?"

A few days go by.



Patient: "Hey, Daaawwwwg! Waaassssaaaapeeniiiiiiiiiiiinggggg!"



Me: "You seem happy."



Patient: "I can fuckin' feel it again, man. "



Me: "So that explains your happiness."

I get all kinds of questions from patients. It's especially interesting when I get questions regarding sex. It's rather weird. Whenever I'm out of the office, I crack jokes and have fun with it. However when a patient asks me questions about sex, I don't think twice about it and answer any questions they may have.

Female Patient: "Doctor, can I have rough sex or will it hurt my back more?"

Me: "Define rough sex."

Female Patient: "What do you mean rough sex? You know.....rough sex."

Me: "Well, are you dominating or is he dominating? Not only that, but if you're dominating, what position are you doing that in? How hard is the repetitive penetration? How long is it going on for? In what way are you twisting your body? Describe it to me and I can tell you whether or not it will aggravate it."

Female Patient: "...............Alright, let's just say doggie style."

Me: "Doggie style is fine if you can maintain the correct posture. However, you also have to be careful as to how hard he is pulling you against him as well as how hard you're pushing yourself against him. So for now, let's just hold off on the rough stuff for a couple of weeks until I can get your intervertebral disc spaces opened up a little bit and maintained through conservative methods."

Female Patient: "But I really like it rough."

Me: "I understand that. But if you want to continue having rough sex without the pain, I need some time to get you better. Think about it this way, if you give me just a few weeks to help you, you can enjoy the rough stuff a lot more because you won't have the low back pain."

Female Patient: "Oh, alright."

I also had a male patient ask me questions. I'll post about that one in a few days.

I've been so extremely busy with the clinic. It's a good thing when you're busy. My patient load is increasing fast.

As most of you know, my parents were robbed at gunpoint the other night. I was going to vent like I always do on my blog, but I will just let the actions of those 2 black kids speak for themselves. I welcome the black community to step in and denounce these kids instead of making excuses for them.

I downloaded a bunch of porn to send to my bro, Corin, in Iraq. He had specific requests. Of course I checked them for quality control. I care about whether or not I'm sending him quality or shit.

Whoops, my next patient is here. More updates later.

I woke up yesterday morning and told Zelda about a funny dream that I had. She thought it was funny and told me that I should blog about it.

In this dream, there was this stupid, silly white guy getting on my nerves. He was going around putting some sort of a red sticker on people, which put them in a hypnotic state. Then, he was able to make them do anything he said. This guy saw me and ran up to me with his arm stretched out trying to put the sticker on me. Being pissed off, I grabbed his hand and applied a joint lock on his wrist where I instantly bent his elbow back and forced the sticker on his back.

He started swaying back and forth confused. He asked me, "What's going on?"

I'm still pissed and said, "GO FUCK YOURSELF!!!!!!"

He replied, "Okay." and left.

Then the dream shifts scenes as if I was watching a TV sitcom. A black woman was sitting in her living room, when her husband walks in from the kitchen with a look of shock on his face. "There is some crazy ass white boy in there fucking himself." Then you hear the audience's laughter.

Strange huh?

A few months ago, I had a patient whose x-rays needed to be read by a radiologist. So, I went to my old radiology professor. This patient had an implant to help with his erectile dysfunction. I knew about it because I had taken a thorough history. So, it was no surprise when I saw it on the x-ray film when I processed it.

My professor took the films out of the sleeve, put them up on his view box, and flicked on the back light.

"Oh wow. I haven't seen one of those in awhile."

Everyone in the office gathers around him. "Can anyone tell me what that is? Dr. Jethro, don't say anything."

A few seconds go by and no one said a word. So, my professor spoke up.

"That is an implant to help this patient with erectile dysfunction."

One person asked, "Why is the bulk of it on his leg?"

"That's where he has to pump it up."

Then, my old professor told us that seeing this device reminded him of a funny story. Years ago, he saw a patient with a similar implant. He had to run some imaging on the patient to repair the device. My old prof asked the patient whether the device was broken. The patient responded with, "Sort of".

"Sort of? What does that mean?"

"Well doc, let me show you."

Each time he pressed to pump up the implant, there was a loud squeaking sound.

"Doc, it's a real mood killer."

A friend of mine wanted me to do a political post about the primaries. So, I will oblige.

Ron Paul is completely unelectable. If he (by some miracle) wins the nomination, Hillary or Obama's win will give new definition to the word: landslide.

Huckabee - No.

Romney - No. He's also unelectable.

Guiliani - No. Y'all know how I feel about the second amendment.

McCain - Not my first pick, but I trust him to make good decisions in favor of our troops. His record is okay in regards to the 2nd amendment.

It's no secret that the man I agreed with most was Fred Thompson or Duncan Hunter. However, since Fred Thompson and Hunter dropped out, I will be voting for McCain. I don't agree with everything McCain has done, but he does uphold the issues that are most important to me. Some of the other issues, I can hold my nose. But, the most important issues are still there. Not only that, but he is only one of 2 people who has a chance at beating Hillary or Obama. And, I will NOT turn over the fate of my bro in Iraq to either of them.

That's what kind of gets me about people who say, "If a true conservative isn't going to win, then I'm not voting." Well, that's great for you to stand up for your principles. How about the basic principle of backing our troops? Do you really think our troops want Hillary or Obama to decide their fate?

SoHos reminded me of a recent story I told to my friends.



As many of you know, my buddy Corin was recently deployed to Iraq. I've been in communication with him via email since he's left. I'm always asking him if there's anything that he needs. We would do our best to send him whatever he wants/needs.



Some of the things he mentioned were typical. There was the blue powder Gatorade, a pack of handkerchiefs, Dunhill cigarrettes, etc. There was one request that caught my attention. Not because it was unexpected (actually, it was), but because it was something I thought might catch some attention from other folks. He asked me if I could find him a cleaning kit for his M203.



Now, Corin carries an M4, which is a shortened version of the M16. Attached to the underside of his M4 is a grenade launcher. That's the M203. I thought about this for a second. Then, it was too good to pass up. I walked into a local gun store here in New City. I asked the guy at the front desk:



Me: "Excuse me, do you have a cleaning kit for an M203?"



Guy behind the desk: "....M203....M203....M203...........(about 10 seconds go by)....Isn't that a grenade launcher?"



Me: "Yes."



Guy behind the desk: "...........................(I swear I got a full 30 second stare as if I were Al Qaeda standing in front of him)........"



I couldn't keep a straight face after 30 seconds, so I busted out laughing: "It's for my friend of mine who's in Iraq. He says they're short of them and could really use a cleaning kit."



Guy behind the desk: "..............OOOOOOOHHHHHHHH!!!!!! Well, I just don't think I have anything big enough to cover that. Go over to that wall and tell me what the biggest shotgun brush we have is."



Me: "....... 12 gauge."



Guy behind the desk: "Nope. Won't do. Sorry, sir."



Me: " That's okay. Thank you."



I left laughing the whole way home. Sometimes, you just got to have a little fun.

This is what happens when a buck gets caught in a swing and panics trying to escape.

Now you know that's going to be very lean meat.

It has come to my attention that there are different races that are missing out on the college experience because people don't give a damn about racial diversity.



Scholarships are given with no consideration to the fact that there are people out there who deserve a chance to go to college without the burden of having to overcome stereotypes.



Therefore, I demand that we "expand" these millions of dollars of scholarship money to include more non-black athletic scholarships. These athletic scholarships shell out far more money per individual than any academic scholarship given per individual. I mean, if academic scholarships can't be given on the basis of personal achievement, then neither can athletic scholarships.



EQUALITY FOR ALL!!!!!!!!!!! Or, are you a RACIST?!



I DEMAND AFFIRMATIVE ACTION FOR ATHLETIC SCHOLARSHIPS. I want to see more racial equality to the collegiate sports teams!



If you oppose me, you're obviously a RACIST.



Karma's a bitch, ain't it?

My sister was helping my father with the computer the other day. Dad is not exactly very computer literate.



He did, of course, set up some sort of an email account. While trying to explain to him how things worked, my sister asked my dad to put in his password for his email account.



Dad entered: "1"....."2"....."3"....."4"....."5"



My sister responded, "Are you serious?"



Then my dad hit "Enter".